Lordy, there have been some excruciating moments arising from within me these days. I mean if you put my situation “on paper”, it would be fully justified. Single mom in the midst of healing cancer, in almost perpetual pain, and going through a separation from an abusive, loveless relationship in a foreign country. To the eyes of the world, this scenario would incite pity. To the eyes of the eternal soul, this would indicate a rich opportunity for awakening; a true return to the experience of Wholeness, Holiness.
Though I manage to often retain the later perspective, I must confess that my ego often despises the decimating discomfort that I mostly live in. Worse than the incessant hip pain, is the searing pain of loneliness and isolation. These have been my life-long crucible… but these days seem to be their crescendo. If only words could convey how deeply I ACHE to be held. To be comforted and adored by a Great Force of Love. Perhaps the Mother of ALL. The Lover of ALL. I often feel like I am trapped in an emotionally glacial echo chamber. Crying out into an indifferent abyss.
I believe that is the farthest thing from the Truth. I know Life looooves me. I see it manifest in so many ways, in so many moments… when I am just willing to open my inner eyes; unconditionally receive the Grace. But sometimes I just can’t, because I am sucked down by an excruciating undertow of desperation. A desperation that feels unquenchable. I have harbored a hope that Life’s love for me would equate to an experience of being comfortable. But I can’t seem to get comfortable… and hence I feel abandoned by the Mother of ALL. But I am coming to accept that it is precisely the discomfort that is the Gift. (YUCK!)
And let me pause from my riveting narrative to say that I see others great souls on the periphery of my life mirroring similar sentiments of raw desperation. Navigating life circumstances that are rendering them Undone. Confused. Helpless. Not to mention global situations that are similarly rocking us as a Whole. I sympathize… and simultaneously, this gives me faith in a larger and deeply intelligent movement. These are symptoms of the creative destruction required to rebirth our world. To bring about the great peace and harmony we seek. The emergence of unity consciousness felt and lived by All.
Now back to meeeee. A couple of days ago, I was navigating a rogue wave of crushing desperation… Limping around, caring for the kids, who were demanding, quarreling, making messes… all of their finest displays… And that feeling of WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS??? It felt so terrible and I saw no way out. I dug deeeeep. I felt myself in a “forced surrender”. Like there was really NOTHING I could do… except accept. This is my life. I can either fight it and destroy myself… or humble myself like never before… fall to my knees and meet it in the way of sacred service. Inverse my perspective… stop trying to “get” from Life… and learn to derive joy and fulfillment from GIVING to Life. Not serving in the ways my ego wishes to serve. But serving what is actually here and now. With as much lightness in my heart as I can muster. A lightness born of true acceptance.
CAN I GET AN AMEN????
I’m wondering if this resonates for any of you “out there”…. Or am I just on a completely insane, kamikaze spiritual journey? Some of you MUST understand… or my InnerMostBeing would not be ordering me to write these words.
To sum it up, I feel this slow-cooking process of dissolution of the false self. Excruciatingly slow. But profoundly valuable. Like actually an answer to a prayer prayed many times over, perhaps in many lives.
Then, yesterday the Patron Saint Rosa (the babysitter of my kids, who has become family by now) took Forest all day and all night. I felt soooo relaxed. So relieved and quiet inside. It’s a jagged paradox, because I LOVE BEING WITH FOREST. He is a stunningly bright light. A blazing ray of genius and love. His innocence, intelligence, capability, creativity, innovation, articulate-ness and purity… are such a Gift to witness and foster. And. It is a full-throttle, non-stop ride.
When Serena came home from school, I felt nourished and calm. And she was her true, sweet, engaged self… as she often is when Forest is not around. She was fully willing to do her homework with me. (This is not always the case! Too often it is a colossal drama that destroys us both.) It was a nourishing bonding experience. And then we watched a super fun animation movie on netflix. “Vivo”; about this Cuban man who rescues a monkey and they make fabulous, joyful music together in the plaza until the man dies and the monkey makes a hero’s journey to Miami to deliver a heart-wrenching love song to his long-lost beloved who left Cuba to become a star… It was colorful and laden with uplifting latin beats. Our orange tiger, Ra, lay on “memory foam island” with us, belly up, purring in sheer content.
Too often I have heard myself lament, “WHERE IS THE SWEETNESS???” Most days feel so brittle, so stark. Even with the slow explosion of flowers and birdsong; the return of heat and light that is the resurrection of springtime. But last night, sweetness rushed in like the welcome release of a touricate. I felt palpably happy. In a mellow streaming sunlight fashion. Gentle. Peaceful. Enlivened. The aftermath of Forced Surrender.
Even if I too often struggle to enjoy this alchemy of the soul… I TRUST IT.
May this testimony inspire you to forever KEEP THE FAITH.