Today I know why Athena is the goddess of war AND wisdom (and weaving, for that matter).
The battle inside of me is full on. And beyond mere womanly muscle power, it takes some serious tact to outsmart this army of unruly and malfeasant demons who have staked their illusory claim in the dream scene domain named “me”.
I’m at the Momshram. Yup. I successfully purged and boxed my modest first world existence, and then my light and dark knight, Sir Edward transported me here, lovingly and safe on wednesday afternoon. And I’ll tell you what- there is not a single shred of doubt or regret about my choice to let go of “that life” and step boldly into “this” one. God bless Oakland… But I am relieved to be here in the sacred forest, where the urban sounds of sirens, trains, car alarms, the scuttle of tiny dog toenails on the hardwood floor upstairs from me, have morphed into crickets, saccades, a gurgling fountain and the repetitive thud of soccer ball colliding with human foot. Oh and let me not leave out the gentle hush of breeze teasing well-attended choirs of leaves.
I am once again daunted by the task of finding accurate language to convey the plunging, prismatic depths of my experience. I want to be eloquent, succinct, lucid, evocative. But I mustn’t let this lofty aspiration close me in on myself. My job is to show up and open the channel so that God can say what must be said.
I feel myself on the precipice of radical transformation. I will be starting a four week yoga teacher training on moonday. Does that mean I want to be a yoga teacher? Shrug. Dunno. But I DO know that I want to deepen my Relationship with God; purify my mind, heart and being. Of this, I am clear. But today I am aware of the gap between where I perceive myself to be, and where I wish to go. And it is requiring so much patience, self acceptance and compassion to just hover my awareness above and within this distasteful, imaginary void.
I’ve been doing my precursory reading assignments for the training… and the material is shining a floodlight on aspects of my smalls self, that up until now have been concealed within the crafty and elusive veneer of my identity. I love the yogic path!!! Incase you were not aware of this, it has nothing to do with stretching. Unless you’re speaking strictly in the figurative sense (which I love to do). I realize that if one offers one’s whole self, with discipline, focus and devotion to the timeless and comprehensive teachings of the yogic path, one WILL discover complete inner freedom, and be able to live grounded in Truth with a capital T. (that rhymes with P that stands for pool!)
Here I perch, on patio furniture on the lawn outside of Master’s Market wearing a sullen, excessively sober face. In this moment, I am deeply questioning who I am, who I most want to become, and what I have dreamed to be meaningful. I like this. I have a feeling that much good will come of this unfurling.
And then there’s Ed. He’s the main ingredient in the recipe of this alchemical purification process. I have never loved anyone with such unwieldy magnitude. But is it really “love”? I mean… absolutely it is. AND…
I am deeply studying the nature of my own heart as it pours forth blood curdling screams of devotion to this divine other. Experiencing my heart in this moment, it feels open so wide, that what I am present to is *not* the openness, but the EDGES that are being radically stretched. Ed evokes feelings so immense in me, that though our communion is clearly an experience of opening (except when it’s not), in this moment, I am not experiencing blissful, boundless space, but the pressure of confines. What IS this? It can’t be divine love, can it? For divine love is INFINITE and unbounded. And this love… has me fallen to my knees and begging for mercy. Perhaps this is the paradoxical experience of being simultaneously human and divine. Perhaps boundaries are the access point to the unbounded.
Honestly, I’m not quite sure. But I am sure that I can’t ignore this experience, put it to the side, sweep it under the sprawling heirloom carpet, which furnishes the eternality of my magnificent soul. Something is calling out from within me. Demanding to be integrated. Assimilated. Forgiven. Embraced.
Today’s Course in Miracles review lesson is: “God’s will for me is perfect happiness.” and “I accept God’s will for perfect happiness for me.” This was the perfect lesson for me today. Of course. Though I believe that every facet of life is infused with the perfect medicine, the perfect formula for each of our liberation from this dream of suffering and separation… still, there are some lessons that shout, while others merely whisper.
This morning I awoke from frustrated dreams of Ed being with his family… and me not being welcome or included; a painful experience that I grapple with most days. Mulling over today’s lesson, I became acutely aware and then repulsed by my own resistance to letting go of my suffering around this topic, and instead choosing to be happy and at peace. I SAY I want to be happy… but when, in a moment, I am faced with the choice of holding on, or letting go… I often notice my resistance to letting go! Why IS this???
Well… I at least want to take a preliminary stab at answering this wily, elusive and quintessential question. I mean… if I WAS to choose happiness in every moment, regardless of the circumstances of my life… then WHY would I bother living? If I was totally content without Ed by my side, then why would I go on desiring his sacred partnership? Would I? I’m not sure… But I don’t want to risk that. I WANT to want him. I LOVE to love him. Losing that feels like losing so much meaning and richness in my life. But so often my desire to live life beside him feels like bondage. And I want to be FREE! Or do I?
I am using my Relationship with Ed as an example, because it has the most forceful gravitational pull within me. But really, I could illuminate many circumstantial cesspools of paradoxical suspension within me- all of the myriad ways I imagine happiness and peace are “out there”, “some day”…
I want to find freedom within me. I am terrified to find freedom within me.
This is the perfect place to be as I embark on this transformational journey of dissolution, purification and rebirth.
God, that would have been such a potent place to end this pilgrimage through Athena Graceland… but I have a couple of practical announcements to make. It’s kinda like at the end of a yoga class… this is one of my pet peeves- after we’ve just finished our final relaxation, and we’re all melty and quiet, preparing to roll up our mats and slowly integrate back into the frenzied river of modern, urban life… and instead, the teacher feels compelled to spout off all these superfluous announcements about upcoming workshops and retreats and junk. Come ON- there is a time and place for propaganda. And it’s not post sivasana, when I am new born and tender.)
And now for my announcements (wink): I want to tell you that where “it” stands with Ed. I told him I am no longer willing to have a secret, (his wife knows… and yet he has still been tiptoeing) secondary relationship with him on selective weekdays between 9am and 2:30pm. And no, that does not equate to, “leave your family and come to me right this minute.” It just means that I need to be integrated into his current construct of reality, such that our relationship has the light and space it requires to grow and flourish. Such that he can come to church with me once in a while… or be my date to a rad event in my(our) community… or sleep over once in a while. God it hurts my heart that NOBODY in his life knows who I am, let alone what I MEAN to him. I could really get into suffering about THAT ONE. But I won’t. Because he said he would rise to meet this request for evolving openness. I don’t require the all or nothing paradigm. I just need clear, intentional movement in the direction of integrity and togetherness. And the beauty of it, is that I trust him to do what he says he will do. Not that he can’t be an avoidant worm like the rest of us, at times… but when he says he’s gonna do something, HE DOES IT. I find this quality in him very sexy and compelling. So that’s where we stand. I am so committed to this man. The depth of our love and connection makes it well worth the struggle. All I need is movement in the direction we both desire to go. Incase it is not obvious to you by now: I LOVE THIS MAN SOOOO DEEEEEEP.
And the last announcement is that I probably won’t be writing much at all for the next month, because I will be hella occupied with my sacred transformation (teacher training). Though naturally, I always reserve the right to visit Athena Graceland any time I am called.
So bless me as I step off the cliff of the familiar, once more, and offer my false self to the loving sword of Kali Ma. And say goodbye to the woman who just wrote this blog, because she is already dead and reborn.
OM NAMAH SHIVAYA.
Amen.
Athena Graceland 