Life begins the day you realize it’s meant to be hard.
At least for ME, that’s how it went down.
Being an etherial new-age baby, I struggled a bunch, clutching a dazzling-law-of-attraction-belief that Life was supposed to be easy… and then meeting so many unwieldy mOMents, and intense feelings, and not knowing what to do or be to make my Life submit and behave in the way of ease. God, it is such an uphill climb.
The crucial point lurking in this hypothesis though, is that at a soul level, this sloppy, unwieldy struggle one of the Heavenly Lord’s all-time greatest boons. To incarnate in this arduous dimension is heavyweight strength training! Who wants to be a gorgeous, sparkling, winged mirage, fluttering insouciantly about in a revealed rendition of Heaven… when you could be attending the BEST costume party in the galaxy… suiting up in a nice dense meat sack and pushing figurative boulders up custom-fashioned metaphorical mountains, developing sweet, spiritual six-packs and bulging biceps of the soul? We really have our priorities dialed in, down here on earth.
Plus, we get to drink tea and coffee!!! I bet that is the tipping point for many incarnate angels.
Lately, I’ve been having a hot and heavy wonder what it would be like to inhabit my Life with a relaxed internal poise… a *genuine* and full bodied acceptance of the reality in which I marinate. Because mostly, there’s this whole consuming layer of experience that occurs like agitation. Like the cursed grain of sand inside the holy oyster shell of my existence. A destructive, gnawing idea that I’m partially living the WRONG life. Just partially. There are SOME elements that are oh-so-right… Really key ones~ like that I’m Athena Grace… and that I have the *most* awesome baby girl. Now that I’m endeavoring to articulate it, I realize that I LOOOOVE who I AM… I’m just struggling with the process of ACTUALIZING the raw blueprint of my soul. And searching for that deep sense of Belonging, of hOMe. God, I hope there’s a phat pink pearl in the works…
And hence, we come full circle to the opening statement of this gloriously enlightened stream of words~ this is the resistance training that I enthusiastically came to partake in. How to be this AWESOME, luminous heavenly body IN A MEAT SUIT, and masterfully sculpt Infinite Light into a soul-satisfying, consciousness-liberating, Love-revealing, integrity-infused, breath-giving work of sacred art. I mean think about it… doesn’t that sound like the BEST vacation for God to take??? Yeah. Totally.
But in the mean time, here I am… wishing I had the utterly fabulous Partner by my side. A loving, devoted father for Serena. I am haunted by visions of being a powerful, spiritual leader and a beloved and widely read writer of grace-stained words that liberate ALL HEARTS. Feeling stuck in this cloistered spiritual community in the woods, that though wrought with kindness, safety and even friendship… isn’t the path that ignites passion in my heart, or pure resonance in my soul. I feel guilty typing that… because God… people here have embraced me beyond what I could have hoped for. Typing that made my eyes sting. Lemme take a deepie (breath)… and really let this Grace sink in.
Lately, I’ve been asking myself how I’d define Grace… Because it’s my last name, for God’s sake! And it’s like the air we breathe… invisible, and something we don’t even have to think about… because it’s always nearer to us than our own selves… But… it’s still handy to have a distinguished notion of this essential and beneficent ISness.
It’s the Invisible Oceanic Goodness in which we ARE. We don’t have to earn it… and we couldn’t escape it if we tried. The tricky part, is that Grace is responsible not only for that which we deem “good” in our lives, but the “bad” stuff too. Under the inescapable, psychedelic umbrella of Grace, EVERYTHING we live is Divinity in action, and is conspiring for the outrageous and triumphant unfurling revelation of the sublime heavenly light within us.
I guess that’s why Hafiz wrote this poem:
Through the streets
Throwing rocks through windows,
Using my own head to ring
Pulling out my hair,
Tearing off my clothes,
Tying everything I own
To a stick,
And setting it on
What else can Hafiz do tonight
To celebrate the madness,
Of seeing God
Sigh… Grace is God. And God is ALL… And yet, knowing all this, I am still perched cozily on my couch in the pale light of dawn, wondering how in the heck to make my life what I want it… digging so deep to crack the code of the mystifying dynamism between effort and surrender. Is my Destiny inevitable??? Or is it true what Tori Amos told my ex-fiance, the night we met her, shining like a riveting Goddess Mirage? He asked her, “Do you believe in Destiny?”
Her reply~ “She needs your help.”
I want to help Her…
I want to bench press the World in the name of Love. In the name of giving EVERYTHING to liberate the flame of passion that burns inside me, such that it ignites the World in holy celebration.
This is the “meaning of Life”. And it is supposed to be hard!
But it is the most gratifying workout in Existence.