God bless these words. All of them. I’m serious God. Imbue them with Light that awakens ALL HEARTS. Because You are THAT Badass.
Five fifty five am. My legs ACHE. I worked three jobs yesterday. In addition to my Always Job of caring for Serena. Actually, I needed to toil in the trenches yesterday… because once again, the full moon worked its watery, nocturnal magic, and destroyed me. Full moons illuminate previously unseen inner dimensions for the purpose of sacred release. I’ve sure had a wealth of material to release lately… Every time the She becomes round and enchanting, I die another gruesome death. On sunday, my heart weighted tons. I felt depressed. It has been ages since I’ve danced with that particular shade of Divinity. That’s right. I’m declaring depression Divine. Because ‘member? I am no longer interested in imagining that there is anything that is *not* Omnipresent, All Pervading God… It’s actually impossible. I can’t even conceive of how Omnipresence could be absent from anything or anywhere. That’s just stupid, if you ask me. Which you didn’t. But this is my blog, and I am so free to belt out the Gospel from this modest mount. And I’m certain that my assertions are of value.
Now that I think of it, the last time I felt debilitatingly depressed was when I was about six months pregnant… around August of last year… when Ed went M.I.A. and I thought he was going to totally desert The Graces. All I could do was lay in my bed and cry. Oh, and somehow I dragged my zillion pound heart to prenatal yoga in the mornings… and mostly cried through class. My Cosmic Dad saved my life by taking me to the movies a bunch. I remember sitting through Jurassic World, feeling a sacred, near ecstatic wash of relief as I watched the shiny leading lady tear through the jungle in high heels and tight, muddy, disheveled clothing… and one by cursed one, the secondary characters were gobbled by massive, stupid dinosaurs with wicked sharp teeth. Oh, and bottomless buttery, salty popcorn. For those two hours, I was happy and free. As we emerged from the theater, Cosmic Dad and his buddy began critiquing the movie. I was still high off of the cheap hollywood climax and release… I found it ludicrous that they were waxing sophisticated about this blissfully mindless little slice of “cinema”!
Anyway, I was amazed on sunday to feel for the first time in a long time, that I didn’t give a you-know-what about anything. Except Serena. But even that essential thread to this world felt tattered and precarious.
Yesterday (Moonday), I had three jobs to do. In the morning, I cleaned the guesthouse at the Crystal Hermitage. (Gosh, that sounds so glamourous in writing!!! Like I’m a maid to the Stars. Ha!… I have arrived ;) By God’s Rad Grace, my Ma stayed at my house while Serena napped… and played with her when she woke, (They LOVE each other!!!) so I was able to “wham-bam” the job, while Matt Kahn transformed my consciousness via youtube. When I got home, I heated up some red beans and rice for all of us, and had a little down time. Then I took Serena to the yurt that my Ma usually cleans, because she isn’t well, and I offered to do it for her. Serena napped in the car for most of it. When she awoke, I put her on my back, papoose style, like mothers have been doing since the beginning of time, and we swept the thick, wet coating of oak leaves from the wrap-around deck. Almost immediately after that, it was time to go cook dinner for “Chandi” (a group house at Ananda). Serena and I made veggie tacos. Serena sat on the counter and nibbled on raw squash and red bell peppers, and helped me pick out spices to season the food with. She’s an amazing partner.
When we got home, it was bath time. I didn’t even have time to feed her dinner, before plunking her into the kitchen sink. I fed her buttery steamed broccoli as she bathed. I ate some too… plus a couple slices of jack cheese dipped in pesto. And some cucumber. Ahhh, the glamorous life of a single mama.
Once Serena was down, my body screamed with ache. I didn’t wanna move. I fell into bed, scrolled down my stupid facebook feed for a few too many minutes before rolling over and letting sleep have me and my aching limbs.
I dreamed of being held by a *platonic* man friend. I woke up feeling strangely nourished. The night before, I dreamt I had sex with another long time friend and lover. I love dream sex, because it can just go on and on and on…. Thank GOD for my dreams. They give me what waking life is not. I need this right now. It’s actually almost comical how desolate my existence has become. Recently, my Ma’s housemate, David was jubilant to share with me that he had been researching baby development, and discovered that when they are not touched, they DIE. Yup. That’s right David. And what of little Athena Grace? She’s mostly alive… but her body aches, as she wanders this sprawling figurative desert alone.
It will not be this way forever. It is indulgent (though completely natural) to believe so.
Lately I’ve been AMAZED at the stark contrast of light and darkness within me. The light is so bright, in ordinary moments, it consumes me in incognito ecstasy. Serena brings unsayable joy to my days. (Except Sunday.) And the dark is thick as a starless, winter night. It chills me to the core. This acute polarity is the state of the World right now. Amazing how it plays out with unique creativity in each of our personal stories… And simultaneously in our collective story. I breathe it all into my heart. And exhale it as blessing. I know I am here to transform the consciousness of the planet and bring Heaven to Earth. You might be too. We all might be. Are you ready to claim your essential place in Love’s twisted, frivolous play??
Oh, I forgot to mention the cherry on top of this melty hot fudge concoction that is My Life… My Ma called and left a message on my phone while I was bathing Serena last night. She acknowledged and celebrated me for all that I did yesterday. She said she realizes that probably nobody knows of all that I triumphantly accomplished… except for her… and she is so proud of me.
Listen– don’t be “too spiritual” for acknowledgment and praise. That’s stupid. Sure, it’s probably not healthy to be dependent on the stuff…. It’s not healthy to be dependent on ANYTHING. But being acknowledged for who you ARE and what you DO is an essential ingredient of a healthy life. It is an active expression of Belonging. I acknowledge myself often. I’m awesome. But honestly, sometimes that just doesn’t hit The Spot. Sometimes I need the glory of this epic, heroic pilgrimage through Divine Weirdness to be recognized by another. And so do YOU.
I guess that’s enough for now…. I was gonna share my reflections on dying…. but I’ll save that for another gay romp through Athena Graceland!!!
PS~ Look Ma— I didn’t use any swear words in this blog!!!! And it was not cuz I was editing my expression… it’s just that sometimes “four letter words” are the appropriate building blocks for raw, authentic expression, and sometimes they’re not. ❤