Do you reckon that lead was loafing around one day and suddenly got a bug up his butt to make something more of himself? Do you think he daydreamed obsessively about a noble and unknowable Destiny that lived in the secret blueprints of his elemental DNA? And all at once, he had a divine lightning impulse to leap into an inferno, seal off all the exits, and die an excruciating and slow death?
I doubt it.
I am lead. Except I DO have a bug up my butt to Become a golden embodiment of the pristine glory of Heaven. And even though I thirst for this compelling Destiny from the depths of my soul, I’m not feeling entirely gracious and patient in this stuffy, hot, sealed container. I keep trying to bust the lid off… I keep trying to control the thermostat. But when did lead ever become gold, behaving like that??? There’s a lot I don’t know. But I DO know the answer to that question: NEVER.
Oh, and actually, I know one more thing… I *will* become Go(l)d. We all will. And we all already are, but we mostly try to pretend otherwise. What a frivolous game. But I wouldn’t be able to sit here on my couch, sipping delicious tea and typing these confounded, exploratory and poetically persuaded words if the Game wasn’t ON. Sure, Life is hard work… but it’s worth it. It’s a pretty “neat” set-up. (As an aficionado of words, with a reverence for their nuanced potent capacity for sculpting reality, I got off on saying “neat”… because it’s so ordinary. But sometimes the best option is the worn-in, comfy jeans… “intentionally casual”…)
There I go again, spiraling out into those far-out rings of vast conceptuality. Don’t just SIT there!… Reel me IN!!! Make yourself useful over there!!! ;-p
“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.”
I often joke about being “Hemingway simple”… but I’ve never even read him. That’s his first line from The Old Man and the Sea… Okay, now it’s my turn.
Lately it is clear to me that Life is in charge, and yet, again and again, I watch my small self step into the ring and try to wrastle It to the dusty ground. I never win. I just end up angry and sad and hopelessly tangled in elective torture.
Athena! That was NOT Hemingway simple. Yeah, well, guess what? I’m NOT Earnest Hemingway. I’m Athena Grace LMNOP. And I’m trying so hard to be my best. Hey! In the reflection of my computer screen, I can see the dawning day out my kitchen window… hummingbirds zoom and buzz around the feeder, and then whizz off into the bright sky. See? This is the frivolous stuff that makes Life so heart-wrenchingly worth it. Hummingbirds and glitter glue and breastfeeding. Hemingway probably didn’t care much about such sacred frivolities. And then he shot himself…
Anyway, my Relationship with Ed seems to be a masterfully threaded garland of perpetual disappointments lately. I mean it’s sort of always been that way. But it’s like God turned up the thermostat in the last few months. I stand up, I get smacked down. I stand up, I get smacked down. It’s a broken record. Except I can’t help but suspect that it is a very intelligently, intentionally broken record. Akin to our beloved friend Lead… all this fierce and decimating heat… is making something so fabulous out of me. But I HATE IT!!!!!! Hahahaha, it feels so frickin good to tell it like it is. THIS, my Friends, is precisely why the Buddha said that Life is suffering. Trust me, you can get as new-age spiritual bypassy and far-out as you wanna… but at some point, you’re gonna land with a humbling thud, right back in the center of your unwieldy and intelligently merciless body, heart and Life. And it will hurt. And you will love anyway. (At least that’s MY hypothesis…)
I watch my darling little ego struggle to maintain a *false* sense of control as she is pummeled and scorched and hopelessly deranged. I try to “break through” with Ed… as I have done a hundred and eight times before. As if that will permit me to “win” the Game. I’m not saying that we should stay together…. I honestly have no clue what “should” happen. What I do know, is that we care for each other deeply… we are eternally in Service to one anothers’ hearts… and most Hemingway simple, we have a child together, which will keep us practically bound for the rest of our lives.
I’m NOT politically inclined. AT ALL. But I’m no dummy. Even with my head snuggled over here in this glittering, silky sand, I realize the World As We Know It is coming undone. It fascinates me to witness collective consciousness, and how these universal energies and themes express and unravel so uniquely and creatively through each of our personal stories… We are ALL lead. Go(l)d is beckoning us from Inside. The heat is ON. We need not fear, or try to be in control. Love. Love will show us the Way. Love IS the Way.
I’ve always had this crippling tendency to want to BE THERE, without taking the (arduous) steps to get there. No matter what the IT happens to be. Lately it has been manifesting as impatience and a compelling itch to judge myself for not acting like the Master that I know I am Destined to become. I want to be like Matt Kahn. So fully given in Service of the Love that abides in all hearts… which is actually ONE HEART. But instead I am riveted my little life, my futile battle in Relationship… And the endlessly gnawing question of how to become “Successful”… which to me looks like manifesting a career where I positively impact droves of hearts and make buttloads of money doing so.
Dear God… all these things I imagine to matter… that really don’t matter much at all. Help me to be free, God. Oh wait… YOU ARE. THAT’S what this obliterating alchemy is all about. And I have this idea like, if only I behaved like XYZ, it wouldn’t hurt so much. But maybe there is no way to avoid pain. Maybe pain is essential and holy. Maybe I am doing it all PERFECT.
Maybe we ALL are.
And then she relaxed her body of sublimely sculpted stardust. And then Infinity breathed her breath so slow and deep. And Success gently danced down upon her like the first sparkling snowflakes of winter, cooly kissing an enchanted forest.
I might be clumsy more often then I want to… but my essential truth is that all of my efforts and my fierce will to LOVE is for US. I’m certain that the Light will emerge victorious. Success is Love. Love is Life. Life is breaking us down… And this is the BEST news EVER.
Keep the Faith, my Friends. Go(l)d is ours Destiny… and an exquisite, bright dawn is whispering her ecstatic light in every heart. I promise.