OMing All Up In Graceland!

Dare to cross the invisible, glittering bridge into Athena Graceland! Ooooh, I dig that! Imagine this majestic, neon pink and gold, larger than life bridge, materializing out of opalescent, whispering fog…. Blossoming forth like diamond-paved lotus falling into it’s own sprawling body of infinity…. and you are purely compelled to take a step closer… and then another step. And then a thousand more.

You are now entering Athena Graceland. Population ONE. And when I say ONE, yes, just to clarify, that does include YOU. I just breathed hella deep. I’m excited to be back on the page, EXPRESSING. Can you tell? But now for the conundrum of alchemizing a line (time) into a sacred squiggle (existence). My age old struggle as a writer from the twelfth dimension. Honestly, I don’t know what dimension I am from… But not the third, that’s fo’ sho’. More in the ballpark of kaleidoscopes and prisms…

For a minute, I thought I wanted to get a divorce from Athena Graceland. This creation o’ mine, was starting to feel like a lame unicorn. As wrong as it seems, sometimes you just gotta shoot the unicorn. But I’m glad that the unicorn is still limping along, and willing to let me climb up on her luscious, satin back, while she bucks and snorts about for a spell. Because sometimes this girl’s gotta let it OUT.

Where have I been? What is new. What freshly baked, steaming stars are currently blazing through the birth canal?

Well, after mooooooonths of pain and suffering, trying to fit my star-shaped self into a hexagonal hole, I finally let go of my Relationship with Ed. I almost said “I let go of Ed,” but that would be far from accurate. Our hearts are still close. Very close. But I’ve released the future into God’s luminous hands, like any sane little glowing child of the Infinite would. I knew it had to happen. But I held on as long as I possibly could. Even in the face of excruciating pain. Ha! In the moments of feeling ripped open and bleeding, it was *not* that funny. But now, from over here, behind a gloriously closed door, in my comfy-assed bed, in my electric blue light strewn bedroom in the Oregon countryside, it actually does strike my funny bone…. that I could endure sOMuch pain… that I would keep choosing to hold on… even though it was eating me alive. Teehee. Hahahaha. Now I’m laughing at myself laughing. Cuz gosh, it’s silly. If you can’t make fun of the human journey, than don’t bother taking it. Teehee.

So yeah. Ed and I are exploring the domain of friendship. And the parts of myself that I was suppressing and conforming in order to be in the Relationship are now expanding back into a more integris and pure expression of me-ness. Like no more sacrificing other nourishing relationships in my life, in order to keep Ed from feeling threatened. It’s an ahhhhhh feeling inside me, like spreading out into perfectly warm water. And no more syphoning all my energy into the Relationship, at the expense of other dimensions of my selfhood. Though we are still communicating a lot, it’s not out of a sense of obligation…. and I have a lot more time and energy to spend reading great books about how to heal my relationship with money, being fully present and available in present time reality, here at Ananda Laurelwood, and communicating with my wOMen– I started a video sharing circle that has gone deeeeeep… and really, it is the light of my life.

In fact, I think I’ll start a whole new paragraph, just so I can exclaim on high, that “wild wOMen wisdOM” is the manifestation (femifestation) of my heart’s pure longing. Deep breath. (come on, join me….) I have been spending sOMuch time in Ananda communities, over the past year…. and it has me feeling malnourished in a way. While the Ananda culture offers many gifts and boons, it is not a culture of wildness and raw expression. It is a more conservative environment…. and while we’re on the subject of unicorns, I’ll confess that being immersed in these communities sometimes has me feel like a pent-up, frustrated unicorn. I craved a hOMe… where all of me could come out to PLAY. Where being “spiritual” is not confined in a lovely box of teachings, or practices or subtly imposed dogmas. (I almost typed “godmas”!!!! Funny!!!) And by the power of Grace-skull (a He-man reference…) wild wOMan wisdOM was born!!!! (yeah, I have a thing for OMs… what of it??!) Me and five other all-star goddesses who are devoted to waking a path with heart, who LOVE huge. Who fucking CARE. Who stumble, and pick themselves up and FLY. Who are teeming with wisdOM. whOMp!

Is it lunch time yet?? Hahaha. I’m killing myself today!!! Because that went through my head a few times, and I glanced eagerly at the clock… but normally, I would not admit it. I’d just keep plowing through the carnage of this confessional. But today, may you know that I want to EAT!!! Hahaha. Not for another hour and ten minutes.

So here I am, co-creating a nourishing life, with God and Grace and Great Goddesses in the flesh…. And it gets even more awesome!… because Ed and I have been having great conversations about our Relationship…. Exploring and unpacking the places where I compromised myself, got smaller than I am destined to be… You see, I got free, and felt a wash of relief, like a cool surge of fresh air, after being trapped in a jar with a single hole punched in the lid, for a whole year…. but then I noticed that I was holding grievances against him. Like it was HIS fault that I was choosing to be small and suffer for it. Which of course is false. We are the only ones capable of choosing bondage for ourselves. Nobody else ever puts us in prison. And miracle of miracles, Ed has been entirely receptive to hearing me; to exploring; to learning from our journey together. We are both learning and digesting and healing. This process will allow us to refine ourselves, so that we can be better the next time around. Whether it is together, (I am open to getting back together when he is actually available….) or with other partners. (I am also open to meeting someone else… it’s really always up to God, anyway.) All I know is that I want to be FULLY MET, and I will not settle for less!!!!

Gosh, I guess I should wind this up, so that you can get on with your previously programed butt-picking regime…. It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve shared…. and life keeps on life-ing right along…. and here’s me, trying to contain this ISness, into a comprehensive, bite-sized, mind squiggle for you….

Perhaps I oughtn’t shoot the unicorn. Or keep her in a fashionably small box stall…. No, I’ll just let her roam the galaxy, grazing on tender shoots of wild starlight and the cool juices of many moons… and gallop through Athena Graceland whenever I please.

OM.

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Moonlit Unicorns in Desert’s Breath

Alright, alright, I’m going to come out of the blasted closet.  It’s hot in here and hella stuffy.  And besides, I’ve heard that the world outside is kinda amazing…

I was born in Reno.  I don’t often tell people this.  I identify myself as a bay area native… I have lived there since the age of two.  And to me, Reno, Nevada seems kinda trashy for the likes of a sophisticated, bohemian lady such as yours truly.  Not only was I BORN in “the biggest little city”, but I spent [too] many a childhood summer under wide, dry, vast Nevada skies.

Why do I bother to confess this modest nuance of my personal history today?  Because these very words are tumbling forth from beautiful Reno.  And there is something about Reno that fits like a square peg in a square hole inside me whether I like it or not.  (At least in summer time… I don’t love all that frozen business as far as I can throw it…) As it turns out, this is becoming the summer of holy pilgrimages!  I have made a holy pilgrimage to Reno to ride unicorns!  My dear friend and beloved knight, Sir John has a gaggle of them and he’s been trying to get me up here to ride for months.  But I was too busy trying to hold my frenetic bay area life together.  Shrug.  Now that it’s falling apart, I have set myself free to wander and drink from the bottomless well of sacred images, textures, scents, feelings that lay in wait all over this miraculous planet, earth!  Three cheers for falling apart!  (At least in this moment… I imagine I’ll feel less enthused in moments to come…)

(Last night, I dreamed that a cardinal flew into my temple (massage/yoga/meditation room).  Cardinals are one of my favourite bird… I am stunned by their redness and their gurglish elation of a song!  Cardinals live in Hawaii (among other places) and I take it as an auspicious sign that Hawaii is one of my next destinations!  A cardinal flew into my temple!)

What do I love about Reno?  The dry heat.  The infinite sea of sweet-scented sage brush.  Being surrounded by endless chains of arid, shadowy mountain ranges who rest in a patient timeless meditation, their shy peaks kissing the sea of unbounded blue above.  It is six forty two am and already the world is flash flooded with vibrant light.  In the bay area, I usually only get to taste stingy bites of the sky at any given time.  It is always obstructed by buildings and ostentatious topography and the towering ambitions of those who live lives in perpetual high gear.  (Generally, making plans with a friend in the bay area requires planning at least two weeks out and then blocking out a sorry two hour slab of time at best.  Can you feel my disdain?  I could say a lot more on this topic, but I’d rather write about the enchantment of Reno right now…)

I am drinking all these images as one who has almost died of thirst without hardly noticing that she was wasting away… but every time I leave the bay area, I find dormant pieces of my soul.  They come alive and I remember more of the sacredness that beats my poetic heart.

We spent the day at Sierra Hot Springs, lounging like nobody’s business, luxuriating in warm water and decadent shade, expansive lullabies sung by towering pine trees and warm desert wind, bird songs and the expertly blended perfume composed of heat and dirt and pine.  I invited all the beauty to enter me and become a long term guest in the spacious world Inside.  It graciously accepted and flooded into the infinitude of cracks in me.  We arrived at Sir John’s home after dark.  The moon danced in taunting stillness, high in the foldless canapé of deepening indigo.  She was just over half full and her light was icy silver.  Her light was infectious and uncontainable.  Ever time I looked at Her she drenched me silly, while throwing a twisted, knowing smile my way.  Touché, lady luna, I bow to your spicy, understated splendor.

“Do you want to see my babies before you retire?”  Sir John asked.  I felt lazy and hot springed out and just wanted to flop into bed, but I mustered.  Were they *really* unicorns?  I guess as with all things, it’s in the eye of the beholder.  But if I had any doubt before I met them, now I am sure that it was unicorns that I encountered last night.  Sir John turned off his obtrusive beam of light and took me into the pen of his stallion, Rico.  My vision was all silhouettes, shadows and moonbeams!  Rico’s white body shimmered at the edges as it made ghostly love with the moon above.  I felt shy in the presence of this intimidating equine presence.  I reached out and pet his velveteen muzzle.  He exhaled a massive unicorn lung full of warm air and I became at once drunk on its simultaneously animal and vegetable sweetness.  I feel like I need to reiterate this point.  You MUST understand the potency of tasting unicorn exhale!  Unicorn exhale could heal the sick and resigned!  It transcended my finite self and wafted effortlessly into the eternal world of my soul in a single, slippery instant!  And then it was over… but I am still reverberating with the sting of enchantment.

Unicorns burning in the icy light of a half illuminated wily moon!   It does not get any finer than this.  May you bathe today in Grace-drenched, soul-quenching images!

Amen!