Field Tripping Through Darkness

Whoa.  Is it just me?…. Or is some Collective shit going down?  Maaaaan, I’ve been field tripping in some of the darkest reaches of my Being.  It’s been horrid. Thankfully, groping along the darkened walls inside me, I finally happened upon a Light switch.  Phew.


I’m not exaggerating when I confess that I was on the brink of intentionally miscarrying.  And perhaps fleeing to California. Which, come to think of it, I can’t even do right now, since my visa is expired and I haven’t been to the Police yet to request an extension for “family reasons” (being married).  But the more burning agenda item was to not be pregnant. Isn’t that atrocious? That’s the shit nobody admits. Except Athena Grace.


What had me lurch to such X-treme measures?  A combination of always being cold, having one-the-fuck-too-many crushingly unpleasant exchanges with my stressed-out, unevolved husband, and an intolerable lack of community.  Oh, and let’s not forget, a full moon and early pregnancy hormones, which are oft reminiscent of Bad Acid.


All these factors were eating away at my insides, as though the Devil had gratuitously sloshed a fresh batch of battery acid all up in me.  Meanwhile, beloved California is burning down, my best friend got a double mastectomy, another dear friend is fending off child protective services, thanks to an A-hole ex-husband…. What the fuck is going ON on this glorious planet?  


Have you ever sat in the messy middle of your Life, blinking and shaking and wondering how on earth it managed to turn out like THIS???  It’s wild. To feel repulsion at that which I called into being. Flirting with an aggressive urge to hate. But then I turn towards my Self… and despite my perplexion at the hand that me and God Almighty have co-dealt… Miracle of miracles, I still love myself.  Nothing makes sense. To be so angry and confused by my choices… yet… to still feel my own tender pulse of fallible lovability.


I’ve been haunted by the skipping record thought of wishing I left Italy back in August, when I had two fat, juicy tickets.  But I didn’t. I chose this Family. Nuclear family. Honestly, I want to hurl the nuclear model against a wall and watch it smash and hopelessly shatter.  It’s a broken system. MY broken system, for now….


But the grace wrapped in the rotten cheese of my circumstances, is that this desperation has compelled me to be fierce about seeking community.  On saturday, Serena and I went to Benedetta’s for dinner. After that, I felt a pinhole of light wash into my cell. On sunday, I took my girl to Sunday Service at Ananda.  Something I’d been resisting since I got here. Honestly, it was a little dull…. But my thirst was so dire that I didn’t care.


Actually, the holiest of holy moments, “The Revelation” was when Ishani, after hearing my troubled heart, holding my gaze with deep, compassionate, sparkling brown eyes offered, “and by the way, EVERYONE’S husband is annoying.”  HAAAAAAA!!!!!! I totally forgot this quintessential, ageless wisdom.


After service, we hung around with Benedetta and her boy, Eliseo, who is Serena’s age.  They climbed all over the place and goofed about. Benedetta fed my girl bites of yummy food from her plate.  My heart smiled bright beams. This is how it is “supposed to be”. The Village, I mean.


When Giordano showed up, I actually felt I could love him.  And receive his love. Which, by the way, (though flawed as fuck) has been damn steady.  Even though he rarely behaves the way I wish he would, he continues to stand in unwavering love and devotion to me (and Serena).  Sometimes I actually wonder if he’s retarded for this! I mean I can be a total cunt when I’m upset.


And by the way, if you’re wondering how this blog will sit with my darling hubby…. I AM TOO!  Haha. Seriously, this is all such risky shit to say. But I’ve told him from day ONE– writing is my first LOVE.  I have a NEED to be transparent on the page, and I need his support. He totally gets it. And supports me. It is never my intention to portray him as a Villain, or douse him in ugly light.  My aim is to unpack my innermost self, for the purpose of finding relief from the pressure of my inner chaos, to discover insights and perspectives previously concealed, and hopefully, to illuminate your Journey and the deepest, perhaps hidden reaches of your BEing.  Because after all, we may be living out a vast panoply of scenarios, yet we are still One. We are breathed by the same Breath.


All this hellish suffering and grievance really put a damper on my sexual openness.  After Sunday Service, I put Serena down for a nap, and Giordano wanted to give me pleasure.  I felt my body closed to a degree I have never experienced with Giordano. But who can say no to Orgasmic Meditation?  Not this bitch. Fifteen minutes of attentive strokes to my clit and I was reborn. After that we shared more… ahem… “Love”… and I was touched by his serviceful attitude.  My body melted open to the flow of love, and the day was Saved.


Sex.  It’s one of the strongest aspects of our connection.   For better and for worse. When it’s missing, shit is warped.  But in order for nourishing sex to occur, the emotional piece has to be relatively solid.  It’s such a damn delicate equation.


I have reflected a butt-ton since all this excruciating discomfort began.  You know, like on the quintessential meaning of my life, my relationship with God, my priorities…. That’s the beauty of suffering.  It can be such a clarifying Force.


I’ve remembered that Ultimately, the meaning of my life is summed up in Rumi’s quote:  “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.


I have been crushingly intimate with the barriers inside me.  And so happy that I have a husband who helps me grind against myself in such terrible (and exquisitely helpful) dimensions.  Even though I often hate it, I think it might somehow be good…


Oh.  And then there is Serena.  Through all of this, my love for her has kept me functional and sane.  It calls me forth. She is an endless stream of blazing innocence, imagination, curiosity, love, creativity, presence.  I can only step forward in Service of her Magnificence.


And my Friends.  Most of you are oceans and land masses away in the 3D…. But you are Golden Angels in the flesh.  You hold me and shine a light when it gets frighteningly dark in here. You are my wealth. You are my Salvation.   I love you, I love you, I love you…


I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Adding It All Up

This morning I awoke in darkness, wondering about my life. Folded back under my covers at five thirty am, I sipped a gorgeous cup of creamed earthquake blend coffee and measured my existence against stark contrasts of other human lives to which I bear witness. On one side, the man I am living with these days, who eats crap, leaves messes, smokes clove cigarettes and sits in his easy chair watching more TV than Satan. (But the most strenuous dimension of this situation is that I LOVE this man. Every day, I ache under the weight of my judgement and disgust, and pray to God to help me love more purely and unconditionally.) And on the blazing starlight end of the spectrum, is a particularly effulgent and delighted Goddess, Tree, who posts every day on Facebook about how fucking RAD her life is, and all the stuff she appreciates and… and honestly, I compare myself to her and feel like I must be failing somehow… not living, bikini clad, on Maui and making EVERY SINGLE DAY the juiciest fucking day of my precious human life. Sigh.

But do you see? It’s the quintessential contrast. One man who has seemingly given up on himself and his life… And a woman who is an olympic marrow sucker. Then I groped about at the nebulous notion of “me”… I have far from given up on myself… And yet I’m not spilling tears of JOY for the profound GIF T of this life. I’m more like plodding along. And digging deep, for the mother of all roots. The unseen Ultimacy which embraces all Creation from within the all-pervading center. I mean, I guess that’s pretty ummm… “noble”… but I’m not like having a BLAST, or anything.

And then six thirty am rolled around and shoved a towel, a swimsuit and goggles, and my laptop into my dingy pink back-pack, hopped on my bike and pedaled through the steely autumn fog, toward my swimming pool. Jason, the lifeguard was delighted to lay his eyes upon this undercover mermaid. I let him thaw my frozen hand in his, as I shared my morning musings. I think I’m a few miles too deep for him. He didn’t really get it. At least not all of it… But speaking my thoughts aloud allowed the contemplation to expand and evolve and work its way through my system. Ultimately, my question is… what is the meaning of life? And am I even in the right ballpark?

Recently, I was writing in my journal, and I stumbled upon a meaning that reverberated with a core of resonance, deeper than I had yet touched. I wrote that the meaning of my life is to LIVE TRUTH. And furthermore, I was sure that I would clamber to the top of the mount and call out to you from the wuthering heights of Athena Graceland… I FOUND IT!!!!

But not so. Because the face of truth is revealing itself in utter simplicity today. Profundity has fluttered mightily like a shattered flock of heaven-suspended doves, breaking the sky apart with a multiplicity of singing white wings. The locker room was pleasantly warm. I changed into my ragged bikini, stood too long under the stream of perfectly hot water, and then, nearly naked, braved dawn’s chilled embrace en route to my modest, urban ocean.

Lo! This morning she glowed like a steaming, aqua jewel under a dimly beaming, white-washed sky. Snuggled up to my kick board, gliding through this viscous dream, my softened mind slow-wrastled with big questions, as I drank the evocative slice of paradise in through my senses, and it was suddenly so obvious. Presence, silly goose! It all ads up to NOW. Take it or leave it. Minus the leaving it part. Because as far as I can tell, the now is inescapable. But that’s alright, because it’s a pretty interesting place.

And then I mused on how this aquatic instant was so much easier to love than some of the other scabby moments of my life… but oh well. I guess that’s where Truth/Love/God comes into it for me… Even in the puss-oozing, ugly, confusing moments, I still have the freedom to lift my consciousness up into the prismatic radiance of the Infinite. In ALL moments I have that option. I always have the freedom to make love with the silent center of existence. Right NOW. And to let this humble intimacy inform how I move and speak and breathe. Even if I’m not bursting with passion, like Tree on Maui, I’m pretty jazzed to be “me”… on this path. I put “me” in quotes, because when I wake up from this dream, I imagine laughter might boisterously tinkle through the corridors of eternity at the compelling yet elusive notion of this seeming “me”…

And speaking of jazz, they are playing jazz here at Pizzaiolo this am! I walked in, and it engulfed and expanded my pre-existing contentment. Sometimes the music here is way too rock and rolly for my sattvic preferences. I tease my mom about how Ananda is “too bland” for me… but the truth is, bland is actually becoming sorta delicious to me these days. It’s almost like the new spicy. But the point is that I have found so much relief in the generous, nuanced simplicity of this morning. Sometimes, I drown myself in my own self-indulgent depth and profundity. But today, I am delighted by the cold, white-washed sky, and the poetically steaming pool, and the existence of mild-mannered jazz. And let’s not forget pu-er tea with rich milk and raw, local honey. And the magical act of pouring coherent strands of alphabet through my fingertips! How cool is that?! I can just nestle here in this woody booth and think about whatever I fancy, and spit it out through my fingers like worms poop nutrient-rich soil!

I will leave you with these words from my bomb-assed guru, Paramahansa Yoganada, because they are persistently pressing themselves into the forefront of my mind, in sacred retort to this wash of thoughts, which I have sprayed upon your mind.

“I will think until I find the ultimate answer. I will turn the power of thought into a searchlight whose brightness will reveal the face of Omnipresence.”

Om. Peace. Amen.