The Dawning of the Age of Athena Grace

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Hello from my new world.  Not to be confused with The New World… but that is on its way.  I promise. You know, the World where unity consciousness is a given, and Love leads the Way for ALL.  I live for this emerging World. Alas, I still shed tears for the oceans and the landfills brimming with carelessly discarded plastic, grapple with dark-carved shadows of money fear, and annoy my closest friends with my obsessive confusion on the scorching topic of romantic love.  

But I totally digress because I just meant to tell you that I’ve landed in Terra Linda.  The name makes me snicker, since it means “Beautiful Earth”, or something along those lines… a funny name for a suburban sprawl.  (Though I guess to its credit, it IS surrounded by dryer than Thou, rolling brown hillsides, dappled with an occasional bushy green spot otherwise known as a “tree”.  

From the forest to the burbs.  

I’m not kidding.  There is a shopping mall like five blocks away from where I sit, feverishly typing my enchanting little Life into existence.  With a Macy’s and a Safeway and stuff.  A street light bleeds through the gap in my curtains at night.   The view from my deck is a slice of sky cut with a tangle of power lines.  There’s not a ton of traffic on our lane, but when I awoke last night, heart pounding, from a nightmare that I had prepared an intentional, loving meal for Ed, his wife and a few others, and Ed and his wife disappeared into another room, abandoning the party… I did experience occasional cars driving by, flooding my sweet, littl bedroom in washes of light.  

It’s a different world.  “On paper”, it appears a tragic downgrade.  But in real time, this slice of Life has a heart and a pulsing soul.  I am so happy to be with Karen and her ten year old daughter, Sasha. And their eight pound ball of divine, K9 enthusiasm, Pepper.  

With a single sweep of God’s Infinite Hand, Serena and I have a family!  And not one of those defective, nuclear jobs, either. A fat, juicy, unconventional one, with waaaay too much love to fit into a single word, sentence, paragraph or page.

Serena is thrilled to have a big sister!  She follows Sasha around like a smitten puppy. She thinks Sasha is the shizz.  And she izz. Sasha is kind, brilliant, creative, beautiful, fun, joyful, silly…..

Just like her mom.

I hadn’t even seen my room when we pulled up to our suburban palace with a car full of stuff.  I just rolled the cosmic dice, ready for anything. But gosh, I love it.  It’s sorta small. But the ceilings are high, and it is full of LIGHT, which happens to be my middle name, and the most essential nutrient in my diet.  Plus it has mirrored closet doors that make it feel more spacious. Plus Plus, it has sliding glass doors onto its own private, covered deck… so it’s like having a whole nother wing.  

Now, if only I could channel the spirit of Muhammad Ali, I’d be Golden.  I always think of him in mOMents when self-doubt creeps in. That muther fucker never entertained even a single shred of doubt.  He fixed his mind on being a Champion. Period.

The radiant, heavenly blessings of my new life are laced with a steady drone of dark, thick survival-based fear.  How will I earn the money I need to survive or better yet THRIVE in this chapter of the Good Book of Athena Grace?  

I came here to give it ALL to my luscious, beaming dreams.  But don’t dreams take time to build? Meanwhile, my car has a constant thirst for fossil fuel.  My body and my daughter, a constant need for high quality, organic food. Serena and I require shelter and recreation and clothing…  

I want my Mama.  

I want my mind and will to be as streamlined as Muhammad Ali’s.  

I want to be as driven, creative, outrageous, unstoppable and RICH as Madonna.

I want to be as turned-the-fuck-ON and surrendered to Life as Nicole Daedone.

I want to be as REAL and inSpiring and expressive as Athena Grace!!!!!

I can do it.  I AM doing it.  God’s got my back.  Right God? Please don’t drop me God.  I am PRAYING that these hella pretty wings actually WORK.  I am praying that I actually DO have everything I need inside me…. and it’s not just  a lovely-sounding, though hollow notion.

I’m intentionally not going to talk about Relationship, even though it is plaguing me like an infected thorn.  I’ll just let it fester silently. And maybe, like magic, the poison will become medicine. (I’ll save that ever-compelling topic for my upcoming podcast!!!  Stay tuned.)

Instead of wasting virtual space in that endless, exhausting tail chase, I will affirm and celebrate my inevitable success.  I will call upon my badass, unapologetic, spiral-galaxy-invoking, demon-destroying, LOVE-LIVING, hella well dressed, delicious smelling, rich bitch Future Self.  

I open up and let her step IN.  To this body, this breath, this Now.  

I’m the greatest thing that ever lived!  I’m the Queen of the World! I’m a baaaaaad Woman.  I’m the prettiest thing that ever lived. (Incase you’re totally out of it, that was me channeling Muhammad Ali.  Grin.)

And now for some deep breaths as I relax into this stunning, unbounded, streaming, brilliant Becoming.  

This is the Dawning of the age of Athena Grace.

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The Riveting Glory of Impermanence and Failure!

You know how “They” say to live each mOMent like it’s your last… It’s a totally cool idea.  But mostly it doesn’t work. (Haha, unless I need an excuse to be super impulsive with money!)  In my default mode, I imagine the Journeys I am inside of will sprawl on forever. (Oh, except for the PTSD I’ve developed around sudden loss of people who matter the most in my heart…)

But suddenly, the taste of Impermanence dances on my tongue.   

I have eleven days left here at Ananda.  On the twelfth day, me and the two most important men in my life (little bro and baby daddy) will caravan outa this spiritual utopia, cars and truck brimming with “stuff”.  (As a cosmic gypsy, “stuff” mostly occurs like a boulder in my Ugg boot. But I’ve ditched my art supplies and then suddenly been accosted by the NEED to make art.. And then had no choice but to blow my cash wad on a fresh set of eyeball burning colors of acrylic paint… enough times to feel slightly more sober about what I choose to slog along on my semi-intentional Walk About on Planet Earth.)

Ahem, so in twelve days, mine and Serena’s entire World will change.  I’ll probably hear traffic through my bedroom window, and I won’t be able to see every calmly seductive star in the multiverse, when I step outside in the deep, dark morning.  

For two and a half years, I’ve cried myself to sleep, missing the vast, wild, melodically roaring Ocean.  But yesterday at the Yuba River, I realized that in twelve days, I will have no fewer (figurative) tears. The River had pervaded my soul and I will ache in Her absence.  If you’ve never met Mama Yuba, She is evocatively bracing, steadily singing, rushing crystaline aqua Love. Endlessly generous, she tirelessly resets your cells to their natural state of reverberating Hallelujah.  She suckles your worries, concerns and delusions, as if they were the sweetest milk, ecstatically sweeping them to the winking heart of Oblivion.

I want to run to Her and throw myself IN.  Merge with her wild beauty and stay Forever.  I can see why my Dan chose to die at the streaming hands of a River….

But now salt and sand and crashing waves will be my Salvation.  Negative ions drenching my aura and making me drunk and Restored.  

I confess that I groped for the EXIT the entire time I was here at Ananda.  Feeling confined and isolated. Wait, am I speaking of my time at Ananda, or my whole entire Life?  (It’s interesting to exist in the time of smartphones, because emojis have pervaded my alphabet. I think not only in letters, but also goofy little faces.  I had an urge to insert the smiling face with squinted eyes, squirting tears.)

How come it takes me so fucking long to get to the Meat of my heart and thoughts?  I guess because I must pierce their Skin first. The Meat is that I cried at family kirtan on Friday, because it finally hit me what I was about to lose.  A few years ago, a bunch of souls decided to incarnate together and meet up at Ananda. Serena was one of them. They’ve been together since day one. And even though I have felt to be an Outsider, the Ananda families have embraced and cared for us through very challenging times.

Even though I don’t feel free to spit and swear and talk about sex with *most* of the other moms, I love them and they love me.  

And now I shall burst your bubble of endearing naivety with sobering news:

LIFE IS TOTALLY IMPERFECT.  

Can I just totally jump tracks?  YES, Athena, this is YOUR Queendom of Concealed Heaven, and you are free to express anything and everything!!!  Oh cool, because I really need to confess and digest my recent webinar! Overall, I’m totally proud of myself. It was my first EVER and I gave it my ALL.  

At the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about…

Giving it ALL.  

Even though tragedy struck and Zoom suddenly demanded money, right the fuck NOW and then cut me off twenty minutes before the scheduled hour was complete, I still came away with a feeling of exhilaration and healthy pride, that stayed with me the rest of the day.  I was SURE that I had made it into the territory of Light That Possesses No Shadow.

But then, when the webinar guests didn’t show up in the secret facebook group that I created as a space for everyone to share a three minute video revealing where they have been hiding…. My party bus crashed into a glistening desert mirage.  I posted a vid first, to open the way, and model the culture of raw, joyful authenticity. Only my dear friend watched and commented. The other three women blinked out of existence, and I was left to sit alone and feel through the underbelly of my pride and invulnerability.  

In my video I shared how “up until now” (insert mocking emoji face), I had been easily stopped by Perfectionism.  But stepping into leadership, webinars and circle facilitation had opened a portal into newfound freedom to be a beginner, fuck up, and be at the bottom of a massive, mountainous learning curve.  

Interesting to watch myself.  As soon as I realized that (almost) nobody gave a fuck what I had to say, my inner Perfectionist swooped in to “save the day”.  Meaning shut me down, so that I wouldn’t have to feel through unsavory emotions such as shame, humiliation and the deep vulnerability of being accountable for my Passion.

Juicy, right?!

At first, I was EN FUEGO to schedule and plan my next webinar… but then, said dark emotions and thoughts swooped in…. old familiar voices began to resound in my head… The militant dictator, fondly known as “Royal Fuck It”, started to take charge and bark orders.

Oh.  My. Goodness.

Naturally, the only option is to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.  Though it certainly IS mighty gracious of Her Holiness, Royal Fuck It, to be so invested in protecting me from unsavory feelings. (insert batting eyelash emoji)

Maybe it’s time to hit the Tony Robbins channel.  Awaken the damn Giant within.

I’m growing.

It’s actually quite pleasant.

I’ve gotta wrap up for now… but maybe next time I can share with you the strange, simultaneously unsettling and relieving, cumulative disappearance of my spiritual identity.  

With Abundant Love from Graceland,

Athena