Let There Be LIGHT!!!!

Hello!!! I am delighted to be sending tendrils of my sacred existence into your holy consciousness!!! It’s been too long. Way too long. And praise the Lord, I have been working my ass off. Yes, literally too… but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to tell you about all of the inner work I have been doing… Yeah, I mean like straight up rearranging furniture inside, and tossing entire closetfuls overboard, because it’s way too heavy and I want to live a life of streaming, opulent blessedness. And if you want to live a life of streaming, opulent blessedness, you can’t be lugging around cumbersome and unwieldy limiting beliefs, unexamined fears and past hurts.

Some of the deep questions I’ve been arduously wrastling for so long are now transmuted into rarefied illumination. Questions regarding what my life is for, and who I AM, and how much I can be, do and have…

Gosh, I felt like I was drearily slogging up the craggy face of an endless mountain… trying to maintain SOME semblance of a positive attitude as I climbed… But I really wondered if I’d ever make it to the dewy, flower-dripping land of worthiness and honest to goodness God-drunk grace… I honestly doubted it. But not entirely, I s’pose… because I kept going. And I still keep going. I will always keep going! But I feel a deep shift.

In July of twenty thirteen, I gave up my stale-assed job and a rad apartment in The Land of Oaks, put my meager belongings in storage, and pilgrimaged to Ananada Village (aka “The Momshram”) to do my fourth yoga teacher training. Thus commenced a year long purification intensive. Yep, a year of groundlessness. My roots, not being able to sink down into the earth, have been forced to grow in and up, into the celestial soils of heaven within.

Don’t ask me how many times in this past year, people have asked me, “where do you live?”, and I’ve inwardly flailed and cringed…. because I WANT to live somewhere… besides the elusive territory of celestial soils… besides “in my heart”, or “in the moment”, as spiritually hip as those addresses seem in theory. I have pined for a hOMe. A place where I can concoct healing bone broths, grow a garden and have sex as loud and as often as I please.

I have suffered about the seeming gap between where I have been, and where I am. And the uncertainty and lack of faith as to how to bridge the said ravine.

But from where I sit today, (which happens to be an exquisitely lush and well-attended garden) I am no longer concerned by the illusion of distance. I realize that I have been polishing the temple of my Self with a capital S. I have been obliterating darkness, revealing the glorious, infinite light of my Innermost Ness. LIGHT!!!! Yes!!!! Once upon a time, I was repulsed by the potential of being labeled “new agey”. Because the people who I perceived to be new agey were etheric, glazed FLAKES!! Straight up. They seemed to hover a few feet off the ground, shrouded in a cloud of nebulous ambiguity. Ugh. Yeah, I guess it was too close to hOMe. It has taken EVERYTHING I’ve had… to BE HERE. On the ground. On the ground, where intense feelings happen…pretty often… and gravity makes me bleed and sweat and cry on occasion. On the ground, where I’ve felt alone and confused and afraid at times…

But all those earthly forces have called forth the strength of my spirit. And an inner force of gravity called faith. Called determination. Called digging down into the taproot of Truth. Hey, look! A butterfly!!!! And the late-morning sunlight filtering through green maple leaves has become the stained glass of an unsayably magnificent, wall-less temple. As I perch in this extraordinary moment, this miraculous, rolling slice of my life, I am happy to sing out from the mountaintop:

I AM A HELLA NEW AGE CHICK!!!!!!

And proud of it!!! I worship, celebrate, invite, magnify the Infinite Light within me, and ALL LIFE. I looooove crystals! I talk to the angels, and my spirit guides. I deeply honor and give thanks for the plethora of beneficent, unseen forces who guide us through this condensed vibration of infinite spirit. I live for love. I pledge allegiance to the oneness, the unity of all creation, and Beyond.

And I’m done pretending otherwise.

I have been giving birth to my Self, over this past year. And trust me, I know that birth is INTENSE to say the least. Painful? Sometimes!!!! Entirely worth it? Absolutely. Oooh!!!! A teensy blue dragonfly!!!! Ahem.

So how did I finally ground into this place of ecstatic strength? Self discipline. By using my mind as a tool to shape and direct my consciousness. I finally beat my head against the wall, trampled upon my sweet tender heart one too many times. I realized I am the boss here, and I want to do it (all of it) with and through the strength of LOVE. I choose to place my faith in the infinite, creative supply of the universe. I choose gratitude. I choose worthiness. I choose a life of passionate, creative, inspired, joyful service!!! I choose to THRIVE. I choose to love life. I choose to BE THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD. I choose to TRUST MY HEART, and boldly sing out what I know inside to be true. I choose to believe I am WHOLE, now and always, as I continue to gleefully unfurl my divine potential. I choose to believe in miracles. I choose to love ALL as my divine sisters and brothers. I choose to forgive and forgive and forgive some more!!! I choose to be an overflowing cup of beauty and grace.

Dang… I’m feeling so pumped, and I’m not even caffeinated. It sure feels good to feel good. Care to join me?!

Miraculous love to you, my Friends…

Cedar Waxwings, Ducks and More Carrots, Of Course!

I could have sworn that today was going to be an auspicious one.  First, when I was doing my kicking laps in the outdoor pool this morning, I heard a chorus of holy voices.  Immediately I knew the source of the song~ cedar waxwings, my most favorite bird.  (But let me set the record straight, I don’t use the term “favorite” as an absolute term, but only to serve as a vehicle conveying passion, enthusiasm, joy… that whole strain of shimmering feelings.)  Have you ever seen a cedar waxwing?  They always travel in flocks.  Big flocks.  They are not big birds, they are not especially small birds.  They are compact and sleek.  When I gaze upon them, I always feel like I am looking through a soft filtered lens~ you know, the kind they use in the movies when they want to illustrate that someone is falling in love?  The object of affection shows up so softened and glowing.  Cedar waxwings look like that without even needing the aid of Hollywood special effects!  Their feathers are modest shade of tawny earth.  On their cheeks they have a soft, circular spray of red, downy feathers, so that they are in perpetual blush!  They wear black feathered masks around their eyes like sexy, angelic love bandits.  They feast on berry bushes, while singing the praises of Heaven.  I don’t see them very often (though I do hear them pretty frequently.  Their voices are what birds would sound like if they purred!), so when I do, I know I am blessed.

Then, as I was getting out of the pool, a mallard couple landed gracefully on the surface of the warm, crystalline, chlorinated water.  I heard their slick landing as I walked, through the frigid, yawning air to the locker room.  Then I heard their goofy voices (Duck voices.  Is there anything sweeter???) announcing the presence of Love and I turned to prick posterity’s bubble, not believing what I heard.  Yes indeed, they paddled their beautiful, buoyant bodies along the lap lines and my heart tickled so bad it cracked open multiple times, like a whole nest full of duck eggs.  I heard myself shriek and squeal.

But now I feel lonely.  The ducks were a pair.  The cedar waxwings were a flock.  Athena is alone.  Café 504 is busy.  How do I know that I am lonely?  It’s this feeling in my heart.  A black hole comes to mind when I focus on the sensation.  This insatiable hole, from which sadness could ooze like an endless honey stream if I let it.  But maybe if I just allow it to be… maybe if I create a new story to surround the sensation.  Maybe it is a sensation of sacred vulnerability.  Maybe.  Maybe it is love.  Maybe it is not meant to be filled.  This must be what the banks of a raging river feel like.  I can just let this feeling pour through my shyly awakening heart.  It feels like raw desire.  Desire~ the reason that we keep casting our rods out into the future, hoping that a particular delicious, gracious, winged carrot will swim up and bite our line… and then this feeling of outrageous yearning will be quelled and real life will begin.

Real.

Life.

Will.

Begin.

I know I talk about this a lot, this illusion of future happiness… but I am determined to break on through to the other side.  I am determined to claim my home right here, right now, make my nest, stake my claim, own my throne.  Here.  Now.  Even with this ache in my heart and this auspicious, wishful fishing pole, perpetually on the hunt for carrots that swim with fishes.  Isn’t that a pretty image?  Inside my mind is a viscous substance, the offspring of the torrid affair between love and water.  Aqua-golden and warm as moonbeam jelly.  In it swim schools of slender, flaming orange carrots with iridescent scales and exotic, twinkling eyes.  Long, flowing fins that flow like silk scarves blowing in tropical breezes.  Who wouldn’t want to fish for carrots as beautiful as that?!?!  I bet when I finally find the heaven inside, I’ll see Jesus, Krishna and Saint Theresa chillin’ with forties (peeping out from crumpled brown paper sacs) on the end of a pier, dippin their holy poles into the viscous sea of love potion, waiting for a sacred carrot to bite their golden lines.

I have been setting the alarm on my phone to go off every hour, so that I can affirm today’s course in miracles lesson and sit in sacred silence for five minutes, inviting effulgence into the cracks between my habitual bondage thoughts.  While I was sitting in sacred invitation, my phone chimed with the revelatory news of a text message.  After five minutes of affirmation that “God, being Love, is also Happiness”, I saw that one of my most stellar (and long lost) friends, Amrita had texted me, informing me that she was in town for the day and would I like to meet up later!  I haven’t seen her in over a year.  So the cedar waxwings and the ducks did NOT lie after all!  Athena too shall be graced with auspicious company today!!!  When I am with Amrita, I feel like a shooting star.  Or maybe the ticklish blackness giggling uncontrollably as light whizzes anonymously through Her endless body of spacious something.

I said that I would tell you more about Glide Church.  But honestly, going to church is no more or less spiritual than any other experience that I have.  It is confounding to me how spirituality has become this compartmentalized, teensy patch within our glistening existence.  Or how bout those people who ardently declare, “I am not a spiritual person”?!?!  As if there is anything else to be!  I suppose this is another ingenious tactic used to bind our minds to illusion.  I am guilty.  I seem to be stuck to the concept that finding the light inside will be something that “happens to me… SOMEDAY”.  The quintessential Mother of all carrots!  How can it possibly be here now?  How can it be here now as I sit in this  moderately comfortable chair, my butt becoming flattened and stiff, my heart an empty frame hosting a vast, black hole and my mind relentlessly clawing for an understanding that saves my small fearful life, if even for a split second.

Don’t ask me how, but the Light is here, now.  Don’t ask me how, but this is IT.  There is nothing more.  No, wait, ask me.  Ask me how!!! Come on, ASK ME!!!  LOVE is how.  Mostly I hate when people tell me that.  Like my friend Dan.  He’s all bent on Love.  Like a holy obsession.  (As far as obsessions go, that one gets the thumbs up from nine point four out of ten angels… but only two out of eighty seven Popes, believe it or not)  And when love lives like an elusive concept far from available to me in any given steaming slice of Now, I feel desperate and frustrated.  LOVE?  Where?  All I feel is X, Y, Z…. What’s love got to do with THAT?  But I can feel it right now.  This feeling of brimming appreciation for all these divine dream creatures, blind as worms, wriggling about in our outrageous fantasy of separation.  Is it enough to just say YES to this feeling of reverence, this outpouring of sweetness?

Spiritual.  It does not have to be such a serious word.  Spiritual.  It is spiritual to breathe.  It is spiritual to ache.  It is spiritual to laugh, to cry, to yearn, to eat, and CERTAINLY to drink high quality cappuccinos(!!!) to pee and poop, to be a couch potato.  Ewwwe, I cringed as I wrote that last one.  I am not a fan of couch potatoes.  But you know what?  Who cares?  What I am fond of does not equate to what is spiritual.  Even the couch potatoes will eventually re-member this MAGNIFICENT light.

AMEN.