Subtle, Soft-Spoken, Unfurling Enlightenment

It’s five thirteen am.  My body feels stiff as the tin-woods-woman.  My lips burn like they aspire to be chapped.  I want to say something profound, and this desire is corralling my my mind and crippling my fingertips.  So instead I’ll just breathe and keep letting go into the river of words and worlds ripe to pour upon the page.

I just thought of my deceased beloved, Dan, and how deeply he believed in my writing and my heart.  I will dedicate this blog to him.  I will reveal myself without judgement, as I imagine his devastatingly gentle face flooding the sky and beaming upon me.  I’d sure give my right nut to know what his soul is up to these days.  If I had a right nut… but I’m not ready to give away my ovaries… because I still have hope for one more child.

I’m house and pet sitting for my land-people for two weeks, which basically means that I am suddenly SO abundant that I have TWO HOUSES, two dogs, two cats, three angel fish, a massive trampoline and an even heftier pile of chores.  Yes, and of course a luminous baby…

While I was out walking the dogs yesterday afternoon, I was thinkin’ on spiritual attainment, and how it’s not what I ever imagined it to be.  It is so ordinary.  I mean, I honestly feel pretty secure and relaxed in the all-pervading presence of God… but it’s not wildly “exciting” in the way of flashing lights, rushes of luscious ecstasy, or mystic visions.  I often refer to the whole “chop wood and carry water” saying, because it is so true.  Or Jack Kornfield’s book, “After Ecstasy, The Laundry”.  This IS “It”, folks.  This is Heaven.  This is Nirvana.  There is no “finish line” to anticipate… where bells sound and balloons and confetti rain upon your wide-splayed crown chakra.   Or perhaps there will be… but who really cares? Self Realization is an ever-expanding spiral of blessed, breathing presence.

I marvel at witnessing Serena blossom day by day, like an exquisite lotus.  It’s strange.  Flowers are so remarkable… because they come and go in such a brief burst of the Miraculous… every stage of their holy becoming is sovereign in its majesty (yes, even the poetic, wilting decline).  We are like that too.  Life seems long… and in a way it IS.  But from some other cosmic vantage point… like maybe smiling Dan in the sky, it is just as heart-shatteringly fleeting as an ecstatic bloom.  The rose was always a rose… And WE are always Divine.  Even when we act like dummies because we are in pain.

The feeling while I was walking was this subtle whisper of perceiving the World new… like even though it seems to appear as it has always been… I saw a hint of freshness sparkling in everything.  And I knew that my consciousness is secretly unfurling in the way of Realization.  But it is so quiet and gentle… and just enough.  Not too much, like a kamikaze kundalini krisis (had to go all Ks!…)  It’s a garland of increasing mOMents of blessed knowing of the perfection of Life.  And trust me, these lucid mOMents are so precious… in contrast to the mOMents where I am climbing my own walls, wishing things were different.  Wishing that Ed and I were together, living as one happy family.  I believe that the lucid, free moments will continue to increase until they are one wide open vista of relaxed presence. And even then, my divinity will continue to reveal and express in ever-new and glorious ways!

But THIS moment is rad.  Lola the cat just snuggled into my lap.  My tea cup is half… full?  Empty?  You decide!  But it still has tea in it!!!  The morning is so quiet and it still belongs to ME.  MINE.  And then I breathe so deep, and all this incognito miraculous ness expands into itself, like the serpent eating it’s tail.

If this isn’t enlightenment… My name isn’t Rumplestiltskin!!!!

It’s been amazing with Ed.  Our Relationship is such a powerful gauge of the integration of this said Realization.  Over time, I have seen that the more I open my heart, and let Love lead the Way, the more HE manifests in my reality as his highest Self.  This is such an exciting game!… witnessing some guy you once perceived as so… ordinary… become a buddha, become a God. (In all his glorious ordinariness!!)  I witness his wings shyly spread and consume the sky.  I have brushed chapped elbows with giving up on him a thousand times over.  But for some Mysteriously persuaded reason, I have not been able to.  Now he’s unfolded his divinity in astonishing dimensions, and this is just the beginning.  After all, God’s domain is Infinity.

I want to testify in favor of choosing a Man who is not “transformed” or “spiritual”.  In the Bay Area, there is such a buzz around these labels.  It’s quite a phenomenal culture for a spiritual ego… with all these holier than Thou ways to assess others’ “qualifications”… But the danger of such sport, is that 88% of the time, you’re not getting The Real Thing.  You’re just getting an ego structure that has tethered itself to a set of self-righteous ideas and protocols.  They have the script down, and can easily feed you (and themselves) a heaping dose of masterful, sparkling, hollow spiritual bullshit.

Eeeeek!  I just realized that I’m treading water out in the middle of the dangerously vast and deep “Lake Conceptual”.  Would I dare to wrap the Baby Jesus in that semi-soft, blanket statement??  Probably not.  But I will say this~  I often appreciate that Ed does not have any scripts of a “Transformed Spiritual Man”.  Often, when our conversations go off-roading through treacherous terrain, he goes Silent.  Because he doesn’t have a script to cling to and hide behind.  And because (to my recurring dismay, he isn’t as quick as… ahem… “some”, at articulating his innermost feelings.  Instead he draws deeply into himself, seeming to disappear for a time.  But when he pops back out into shared reality, he has something genuine and meaningful to say.  Sometimes I find his shares disappointingly simple… but I’ve come to recognize that there is mastery in his simplicity.

As our love matures and refines, I see his essence clarifying like a rare jewel.  Again and again, I must surrender to the imperfection of our circumstances, choosing to invest ALL OF MY FAITH in God’s perfectly unfurling Plan.  This morning, this breath… I return to profound, all-pervading Rightness.  In this mOMent, I fully trust that I am exactly where I need to be, by the Grace of God.  I trust that all of my deepest dreams are blossoming through me in their sublimely perfect Time.  I am willing to relax my body and let Life unravel me and shower me with Grace.

Amen.

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Life, Death and Loving Loneliness

I’m sitting here staring into space, groping to mentally corral the current textures of my life… Spontaneously, I drew in a deep breath, and I was saved.  Overall, it’s beautiful and abundant and wildly blessed.  And also lonely and exhausting.  One inner dimension of me feels threadbare.  Another, soft and bright like the dawn.  God is vast.

One of the things that struck me about giving birth, was that no matter how many loving supportive people were by my side, (which in my case was Ed, Catherine Stone, Deirdre, Dara, Ken, Cindy the nurse, and Brooke the Midwife… HA!  SEVEN!!!  Jesus… way too many 😉 ultimately, it was a journey that I had to make alone.  You could argue that I made it with Serena and with God… In a way that was utterly true… but at a very basic, stripped down level, I was alone.  No one could take away the immense and constant pain.  I had to dive straight into it.  I shared this perspective with Catherine Stone (my doula) after the fact, and she said dying is the same.  No matter who is by your side, you must let go of the body and walk into the Light alone.

Birth.  Death.  And Life… In Life, (like I mentioned in my last blog, I see Life as a synonym for God, so it’s only natural to capitalize it.) I am surrounded by so many bright and loving souls.  SO MANY.  And yet, often I still feel so alone.  Some people seem to delight in their aloneness…. But for me… it feels wrought with polarity.  I spend a lot of time alone… and I’m more of an introvert than an extrovert.  And yet, sometimes I ache in my aloneness.  I long to be as close with another as two “ones” can possibly be.  I guess that’s why Ed and I spent so much time just holding each other, back in the days when our daily lives were a tighter weave.  Our warm, pulsing bodies entwined, sharing breath, my heart pouring open, feeling the ultimate, intimate sense of Belonging.  But the shadow side of this merged perfection is codependence.  Which has been its own unraveling labyrinth in my life.  So here I am, inside the construct of a Life scenario where I don’t have the option to collapse into default codependence.  Woo-hoo.

Ultimately, I WANT to feel so entirely at peace and whole in myself… (sometimes I DO… but those moments tend to slip by in an incognito state of Unity…)   But… there’s a way in which meeting my ache and longing over and over and over and over again feels like slogging through the desert.  Is this why I want a family so bad???  So that I don’t have to feel these arduous feelings of slow burning longing…?  Wow… I thought I wanted a family (“a family”= a husband and two children… and hopefully some furry animals… and I DON’T mean furry spiders, which are abundant around my hOMe and sorta freak me out, even though I mostly love spiders…) because  it was my heart and soul’s Truth.  But what if it was just to avoid these intense feelings??  It’s still inconclusive… but just in case that IS the case, I’m gonna practice saying YES to this experience in it’s subtly excruciating entirety.  I’m sure that the “meaning of my life” is to dare to love everything that arises.  After all, if we are “made in the image and likeness of God”, then this MUST be our highest calling as human beings.  Because God certainly loves the pants off ALL of it.  (Sorta like when I took my jade heart necklace away from Serena the other night at bed time, and her dark, heart-shaped lips spilled into a perfect little frown as a prelude to gloriously impassioned tears… and witnessing this made my heart explode open and I couldn’t help but laaaaugh at the poetic artistry of her self expression.)

I love how easy it is for me to spiral into esoteric, philosophical realms!  I totally meant to talk about super basic dimensions of my life.  Like how Serena is suddenly exploding into so much exponential growth, and she’s becoming more and more of an ecstatic handful, who reaches for and grabs everything.  She (to my surprise) loooooves the water!!  I took her to Cate and Jenny’s pool party on saturday, and I was amazed by her impassioned splashing and kicking.  She became vivacious in the water.  She’s not like that in the bath… When I first put her in the tub, expecting her to be a natural born mermaid like her mama, she looked more like a petrified mouse, about to be seized in the merciless talons of death.  She got all stiff and made prey faces.  But she might have mermaid blood yet!  I also took her for a River quickie yesterday, and was surprised that even though it was COLD, she became ecstatic.  We sat on a rock in the gentle rapids, and she kicked and splashed and explored the nature and essence of the quick, crystalline water.  I remember last September, being nice and pregnant, and going to that same spot, submerging and praying for a smooth, “easy” (ha!) birth… sitting on the smooth, flat rock, as the singing liquid grace poured around me, opening my body to this force of powerful flow.  Time is profound.  Riding the spiral merry-go-round of Life… visiting and revisiting the same locations, emotionally and physically, again and again… yet perceiving them from a constantly evolving consciousness… an aging body, a ripening heart, an unfurling ego.  Reminds me of the book, “The Giving Tree”… Even when she was just a lonesome stump, she was so full of grace.  Ha!  I hope that’s what “they” write on my tombstone…

It’s a new day… and I don’t feel as intimate with the texture of loneliness as I did yesterday… which is a bit of a relief.  But speaking of grace, I really DO aim to be so gracious when that all-too-familiar feeling arises.  Matt Kahn, my “Team Captain”, as Erika refers to him (!!!), says that I can love every feeling that arises like it has NEVER been loved before.  And I know I can!  I have so much love in my heart.  Enough love to saturate this entire world, and watch it be triumphantly restored to the Heaven it has always been.  I’m sure of this.

At six months, Serena is finally growing hair.  It’s in this wildly adorable phase right now, where it is a fine coat of soft fur.  I loooove to pet it.  I love her fat, squishy arms!  (and legs…)  I love the way she gets so still and quiet when I put her facing me in the Ergo carrier… and her serious, inquisitive, wise, (plump, drooping cheeked) and open face just takes in the world.  I have to constantly remind myself that it will not always be like this.  Someday, she’ll be too big to ride in a baby carrier… and maybe someday she’ll even be embarrassed by me.  And yet, we’ll still be on that spiral merry-go-round, circling the same locations, physically, emotionally,  mentally… watching everything change, and yet somehow stay the same.

I don’t feel like I hit the bullseye with this blog.  Like you could read it, and still not fully know me… Though I did offer some rich and true and beautiful morsels… I guess that’s why people write BOOKS instead of just long, sprawling shorties.  I wish I could so graciously empty my innermost self onto this page for you to intimately encounter…  Why?  Because if “Life” is “God”, then “Intimacy” is the experiencing of Life/God.  And all I can offer is ME.  And perhaps this naked me can open you deeper to the raw joy and pain and beauty of your Holy Existence.

Maybe I didn’t hit the bullseye… but I showed up and shared something of myself.  And I will continue to do so, always aspiring to use my Life to illuminate and liberate your courageous, profound and essential heart.  Because I can.

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The Evolution of My Desire

I have been marveling lately at how dramatically my dreams are morphing.  Two entries ago, I was pining for a hOMe, and motherhood and the ideal partnership… And today, I am remarkably content with the current ISness of my existence.  I am back at Ananda Village, living with my Ma, teaching yoga here, facilitating a women’s video circle, and continuing to ROCK my inner world as I shed hereditary darkness and allow the light to pour through.  Layers of delusion keep sloughing off, and I realize that I am becoming lighter and happier by the second.

At the epicenter of this transformation, is the remembrance that I am alive for humanity.  And for LOVE…  When I imagined that I was alive to satisfy my ego, I felt mostly fucked in the ass by my very existence.  Like it was never enough.  I was perpetually empty.  But now purifying my heart and opening myself to be a Source of Love is the place that I return throughout my day.  And it just makes sense.  Am I proclaiming to be all holier than Thou, like I’m some damn Master?  No!  Because the REAL activism is loving myself for who and how I am now, today… The one who aspires from the depths of her being.  The one who sometimes *seems* to fall short.  The one who keeps going.  The one who boldly declares her love to the world… perhaps imperfectly… but also with courage and boldness.

Yeah!  I’m here to wrap those stifling spiritual ISMs and dogmas and nutritionally void protocols in a dingy though grand olde flag, and send them down the wild, swollen river, once and for all.  If you’re still using spirituality to find fault in yourself as you ARE, to imagine a grand chasm between yourself and God, I’m here to tell you that is a dead paradigm!  It’s time to live what you know in your heart, to own that God is not a big, stern man who lives beyond the sky… but the miraculous Allness, experiencing itself as YOU and me and everyone and everything right NOW.  And this is whole, complete and perfect, and is a cause to love like there ain’t no tomorrow!!!!

So what do I desire, from this place of radical completeness?  My biggest desire at this time, is to completely embody the light of spirit.  To obliterate shame and conditioning and the inherited wounds of my ancestors… and let the light of the Infinite Blaze through every cell and pore and fiber of my magnificent Heavenly Body!!!  It seems like the dominant paradigm has been a body and spirit split… like we’ve collectively been through so much shit.  So much pain and suffering, that we’ve imagined the body to be an unsafe hOMe, wrought with land mines of stored trauma, preferring instead to live in the intrepid sprawling landscapes of the mind, where we can fabricate fever dreams of our own “safety” without having to feel through the sensations that we once upon a time, associated with unbearable pain and terror.

I want to inhabit my body as I have never inhabited it before.  I want to inhabit my sexuality free from shame, as nothing short of a glorious portal straight into the heart of Heaven.  This is not an indulgent want, but an essential reclaiming of the truth of who I AM.  I know that being a living embodiment of pure truth and light is the epicenter of all other dreams and desires that sing through me.  If my desires are a multi tiered fountain, this radical return of infinite spirit into my body is the WATER.  It will naturally pour forth and nourish all the slumbering seeds of my destiny with ease and grace.  No more inner wars and parental punishment to manipulate myself into PRODUCING content that will desperately imbue my life and my very being with a false sense of worth that will temporarily convince me I am “okay”, in the face of the constant low-level dread that I’m NOT.  Ever.

Love will make this so.  Every day, every breath, I return to love.  I fill my own heart with the grace of the infinite.  I breathe all the way to the bottom of my belly, into my yoni, and feeeeel all there is to feel.  I allow myself to relax.  To soften.  And from this place of unrelenting care, attention, and embodied surrender,  I will continue to shed and reveal and attract the perfect people and situations and opportunities to facilitate this profound resurrection of the radiant light of my spirit into the sacred temple of my body.  (Which naturally will blaze out into the world and raise YOU up in the light of embodied Truth…)

Seek ye first the Queendom of Heaven….

With my ear to the ground…

I have my ear pressed to the ground.  I am listening for water, as though my life depended on it.  No, not the literal, earthen ground… The ground of my inner-most being.  And the water is the pure, nourishing, musical flow of my essential self.

Every day I face the grating realization that my life is not what I want it to be.  I want a light, spacious, peaceful hOMe nestled in the glorious embrace of nature.  I want spiritually and creatively fulfilling work.  I want a husband to wake up with; to share life with.  I want a child or two.  I want plenty of money.

Instead I’m living with my mom at a spiritual community in the woods.  I’m teaching yoga in trade for credit toward more classes here.  (Saving up for meditation teacher training!)  I’m spiritually married to a man who I can’t be with (in the day to day sense of the words) (Although I s’pose it depends on what you mean by “waking up together”… Grin.).  I’m not pregnant.  Monetarily, I have the twenty dollars my Ma just shelled out so that I could by sprouted raisin bread at Master’s Market after I finish writing this.

See… there’s a seeming discrepancy between what I want and what I have.  And it’s driving me nuts, because I believe I have the power to create what I want in my life… but I feel stuck.  It’s a nauseatingly familiar feeling.

So I’ve been relentlessly stalking a SHIFT IN CONSCIOUSNESS.  Because Einstein was not just blowing smoke up our asses when he said that you can not solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it.  Yeah, so I’ve been flushing my mind with youtube recordings of Abraham Hicks, Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson, as well as daily readings from my beloved companion, A Course in Miracles.  Striving to spark remembrance of the Infinite Power within me.  I want it to be that I am dousing myself with figurative gasoline, so that when God decrees it, that destined match gets lit and tossed like a kiss on the wind, by a smirking Mother of Grace, and in a holy instant, my whole world roars in a blazing pyre of simultaneously spiritual and material success.

It really could happen.

But in the mean time, Abraham is drilling it into my thick scull that happiness does NOT come from external circumstances.  No!  Happiness is a permanent inner address.  Ugh!  You’d think that realizing this would be HALLELUJAH news… And really, it IS… but it’s also frustrating… because like, if that is true, and I know it IS, then why am I feeling stuck in “not happiness” so much of the time?

Because I still insist on clinging to ideas of how life SHOULD look, and this idea is forming a gaping Grand Canyon between the life I’m IN, and the life I WISH I was in.  And the only way I can ever hope to traverse it, is by sprouting WINGS, and I can only sprout wings by allowing the innate JOY of my divine essence to rise to the surface of my life and consciousness.

It appears that I’m chasing my tail.

But I’m closer than I think.  Because I am remembering that joy is not something that I have to GENERATE; go out and by at the store and slather all over the surface of myself and my life.  No… joy is the water that I am listening for as I press my ear to the ground of my Being.  It will flow to the surface as I invite it, and then allow.  Sometimes it bubbles up in a soft wash of glee, after sadhana (spiritual practice).  And it’s almost easy to miss… because it’s subtle.  Like the identical twin sister of our beloved friend peace.  It’s not what I formerly knew joy to be… this manic, over-stimulated feeling that comes from a triple late, or a peak experience.  That’s the cheap imitation.  Like the difference between eating a blood-red bing cherry at summer’s zenith, or a cherry flavored blow pop.

Meanwhile, I look in the mirror, and I see a wOMan of pure light gazing back at me.  I see a clarified, indelible soul beauty, that I have worked so hard to become.  Yes.  I have worked so hard to get this far.  I don’t know if this “working hard” is good or bad, right or wrong… but it’s what I know to be true with a small t.  True with a massive T, is that I am always whole, perfect and complete.  I am infinite.  The Truth of me can never change…  But in this relative world, I evolve.  I burn down and rise up, burn down and rise up.  I shed and molt and remodel and incessantly become.

Even though my life is “not what I want”… I suppose it is what I NEED.  Because I am becoming a purified channel for the Light.  From the excruciating heat of this alchemy, the possibility of real wisdom and love are whispering from deep within me.  No journey is EVER wasted.  Even if I am blind and flailing in a mud puddle of my treasured delusions…

The Light will ultimately obliterate all dreams of darkness.  Yes, you can take that statement to the BANK!  And in the mean time, I keep my ear devotionally-obsessively pressed to this inner ground.  Thirsting to learn the hushed, lucid language of Silence.

 

An Interview with ME!

Hi!  I just took myself through a powerful process… I soul searched some deep questions that I wanted to explore and clarify within myself.  And then I threw down in an interview!!!  Initially, I just intended it to be for me… not to share.  But when I watched it, I was moved by the power and sweetness of my authenticity and soulful sharing.  I felt moved to share it… just incase you find value in witnessing my soulful expression.  Perhaps it touches something deep within you… I offer it from my heart.

Grrrrrr…. Youtube sucks.  This is the second time I’ve copied and pasted my vid link, and it’s put up the WRONG video!!!!  And I keep trying to do it over and over again… with the same results.  (You can’t solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it!!!!  Thanks Einstein.)  Well… it’s on my Youtube channel.  It’s called “An interview with myself”.  I hope you watch it.

Let There Be LIGHT!!!!

Hello!!! I am delighted to be sending tendrils of my sacred existence into your holy consciousness!!! It’s been too long. Way too long. And praise the Lord, I have been working my ass off. Yes, literally too… but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to tell you about all of the inner work I have been doing… Yeah, I mean like straight up rearranging furniture inside, and tossing entire closetfuls overboard, because it’s way too heavy and I want to live a life of streaming, opulent blessedness. And if you want to live a life of streaming, opulent blessedness, you can’t be lugging around cumbersome and unwieldy limiting beliefs, unexamined fears and past hurts.

Some of the deep questions I’ve been arduously wrastling for so long are now transmuted into rarefied illumination. Questions regarding what my life is for, and who I AM, and how much I can be, do and have…

Gosh, I felt like I was drearily slogging up the craggy face of an endless mountain… trying to maintain SOME semblance of a positive attitude as I climbed… But I really wondered if I’d ever make it to the dewy, flower-dripping land of worthiness and honest to goodness God-drunk grace… I honestly doubted it. But not entirely, I s’pose… because I kept going. And I still keep going. I will always keep going! But I feel a deep shift.

In July of twenty thirteen, I gave up my stale-assed job and a rad apartment in The Land of Oaks, put my meager belongings in storage, and pilgrimaged to Ananada Village (aka “The Momshram”) to do my fourth yoga teacher training. Thus commenced a year long purification intensive. Yep, a year of groundlessness. My roots, not being able to sink down into the earth, have been forced to grow in and up, into the celestial soils of heaven within.

Don’t ask me how many times in this past year, people have asked me, “where do you live?”, and I’ve inwardly flailed and cringed…. because I WANT to live somewhere… besides the elusive territory of celestial soils… besides “in my heart”, or “in the moment”, as spiritually hip as those addresses seem in theory. I have pined for a hOMe. A place where I can concoct healing bone broths, grow a garden and have sex as loud and as often as I please.

I have suffered about the seeming gap between where I have been, and where I am. And the uncertainty and lack of faith as to how to bridge the said ravine.

But from where I sit today, (which happens to be an exquisitely lush and well-attended garden) I am no longer concerned by the illusion of distance. I realize that I have been polishing the temple of my Self with a capital S. I have been obliterating darkness, revealing the glorious, infinite light of my Innermost Ness. LIGHT!!!! Yes!!!! Once upon a time, I was repulsed by the potential of being labeled “new agey”. Because the people who I perceived to be new agey were etheric, glazed FLAKES!! Straight up. They seemed to hover a few feet off the ground, shrouded in a cloud of nebulous ambiguity. Ugh. Yeah, I guess it was too close to hOMe. It has taken EVERYTHING I’ve had… to BE HERE. On the ground. On the ground, where intense feelings happen…pretty often… and gravity makes me bleed and sweat and cry on occasion. On the ground, where I’ve felt alone and confused and afraid at times…

But all those earthly forces have called forth the strength of my spirit. And an inner force of gravity called faith. Called determination. Called digging down into the taproot of Truth. Hey, look! A butterfly!!!! And the late-morning sunlight filtering through green maple leaves has become the stained glass of an unsayably magnificent, wall-less temple. As I perch in this extraordinary moment, this miraculous, rolling slice of my life, I am happy to sing out from the mountaintop:

I AM A HELLA NEW AGE CHICK!!!!!!

And proud of it!!! I worship, celebrate, invite, magnify the Infinite Light within me, and ALL LIFE. I looooove crystals! I talk to the angels, and my spirit guides. I deeply honor and give thanks for the plethora of beneficent, unseen forces who guide us through this condensed vibration of infinite spirit. I live for love. I pledge allegiance to the oneness, the unity of all creation, and Beyond.

And I’m done pretending otherwise.

I have been giving birth to my Self, over this past year. And trust me, I know that birth is INTENSE to say the least. Painful? Sometimes!!!! Entirely worth it? Absolutely. Oooh!!!! A teensy blue dragonfly!!!! Ahem.

So how did I finally ground into this place of ecstatic strength? Self discipline. By using my mind as a tool to shape and direct my consciousness. I finally beat my head against the wall, trampled upon my sweet tender heart one too many times. I realized I am the boss here, and I want to do it (all of it) with and through the strength of LOVE. I choose to place my faith in the infinite, creative supply of the universe. I choose gratitude. I choose worthiness. I choose a life of passionate, creative, inspired, joyful service!!! I choose to THRIVE. I choose to love life. I choose to BE THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD. I choose to TRUST MY HEART, and boldly sing out what I know inside to be true. I choose to believe I am WHOLE, now and always, as I continue to gleefully unfurl my divine potential. I choose to believe in miracles. I choose to love ALL as my divine sisters and brothers. I choose to forgive and forgive and forgive some more!!! I choose to be an overflowing cup of beauty and grace.

Dang… I’m feeling so pumped, and I’m not even caffeinated. It sure feels good to feel good. Care to join me?!

Miraculous love to you, my Friends…

OMing All Up In Graceland!

Dare to cross the invisible, glittering bridge into Athena Graceland! Ooooh, I dig that! Imagine this majestic, neon pink and gold, larger than life bridge, materializing out of opalescent, whispering fog…. Blossoming forth like diamond-paved lotus falling into it’s own sprawling body of infinity…. and you are purely compelled to take a step closer… and then another step. And then a thousand more.

You are now entering Athena Graceland. Population ONE. And when I say ONE, yes, just to clarify, that does include YOU. I just breathed hella deep. I’m excited to be back on the page, EXPRESSING. Can you tell? But now for the conundrum of alchemizing a line (time) into a sacred squiggle (existence). My age old struggle as a writer from the twelfth dimension. Honestly, I don’t know what dimension I am from… But not the third, that’s fo’ sho’. More in the ballpark of kaleidoscopes and prisms…

For a minute, I thought I wanted to get a divorce from Athena Graceland. This creation o’ mine, was starting to feel like a lame unicorn. As wrong as it seems, sometimes you just gotta shoot the unicorn. But I’m glad that the unicorn is still limping along, and willing to let me climb up on her luscious, satin back, while she bucks and snorts about for a spell. Because sometimes this girl’s gotta let it OUT.

Where have I been? What is new. What freshly baked, steaming stars are currently blazing through the birth canal?

Well, after mooooooonths of pain and suffering, trying to fit my star-shaped self into a hexagonal hole, I finally let go of my Relationship with Ed. I almost said “I let go of Ed,” but that would be far from accurate. Our hearts are still close. Very close. But I’ve released the future into God’s luminous hands, like any sane little glowing child of the Infinite would. I knew it had to happen. But I held on as long as I possibly could. Even in the face of excruciating pain. Ha! In the moments of feeling ripped open and bleeding, it was *not* that funny. But now, from over here, behind a gloriously closed door, in my comfy-assed bed, in my electric blue light strewn bedroom in the Oregon countryside, it actually does strike my funny bone…. that I could endure sOMuch pain… that I would keep choosing to hold on… even though it was eating me alive. Teehee. Hahahaha. Now I’m laughing at myself laughing. Cuz gosh, it’s silly. If you can’t make fun of the human journey, than don’t bother taking it. Teehee.

So yeah. Ed and I are exploring the domain of friendship. And the parts of myself that I was suppressing and conforming in order to be in the Relationship are now expanding back into a more integris and pure expression of me-ness. Like no more sacrificing other nourishing relationships in my life, in order to keep Ed from feeling threatened. It’s an ahhhhhh feeling inside me, like spreading out into perfectly warm water. And no more syphoning all my energy into the Relationship, at the expense of other dimensions of my selfhood. Though we are still communicating a lot, it’s not out of a sense of obligation…. and I have a lot more time and energy to spend reading great books about how to heal my relationship with money, being fully present and available in present time reality, here at Ananda Laurelwood, and communicating with my wOMen– I started a video sharing circle that has gone deeeeeep… and really, it is the light of my life.

In fact, I think I’ll start a whole new paragraph, just so I can exclaim on high, that “wild wOMen wisdOM” is the manifestation (femifestation) of my heart’s pure longing. Deep breath. (come on, join me….) I have been spending sOMuch time in Ananda communities, over the past year…. and it has me feeling malnourished in a way. While the Ananda culture offers many gifts and boons, it is not a culture of wildness and raw expression. It is a more conservative environment…. and while we’re on the subject of unicorns, I’ll confess that being immersed in these communities sometimes has me feel like a pent-up, frustrated unicorn. I craved a hOMe… where all of me could come out to PLAY. Where being “spiritual” is not confined in a lovely box of teachings, or practices or subtly imposed dogmas. (I almost typed “godmas”!!!! Funny!!!) And by the power of Grace-skull (a He-man reference…) wild wOMan wisdOM was born!!!! (yeah, I have a thing for OMs… what of it??!) Me and five other all-star goddesses who are devoted to waking a path with heart, who LOVE huge. Who fucking CARE. Who stumble, and pick themselves up and FLY. Who are teeming with wisdOM. whOMp!

Is it lunch time yet?? Hahaha. I’m killing myself today!!! Because that went through my head a few times, and I glanced eagerly at the clock… but normally, I would not admit it. I’d just keep plowing through the carnage of this confessional. But today, may you know that I want to EAT!!! Hahaha. Not for another hour and ten minutes.

So here I am, co-creating a nourishing life, with God and Grace and Great Goddesses in the flesh…. And it gets even more awesome!… because Ed and I have been having great conversations about our Relationship…. Exploring and unpacking the places where I compromised myself, got smaller than I am destined to be… You see, I got free, and felt a wash of relief, like a cool surge of fresh air, after being trapped in a jar with a single hole punched in the lid, for a whole year…. but then I noticed that I was holding grievances against him. Like it was HIS fault that I was choosing to be small and suffer for it. Which of course is false. We are the only ones capable of choosing bondage for ourselves. Nobody else ever puts us in prison. And miracle of miracles, Ed has been entirely receptive to hearing me; to exploring; to learning from our journey together. We are both learning and digesting and healing. This process will allow us to refine ourselves, so that we can be better the next time around. Whether it is together, (I am open to getting back together when he is actually available….) or with other partners. (I am also open to meeting someone else… it’s really always up to God, anyway.) All I know is that I want to be FULLY MET, and I will not settle for less!!!!

Gosh, I guess I should wind this up, so that you can get on with your previously programed butt-picking regime…. It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve shared…. and life keeps on life-ing right along…. and here’s me, trying to contain this ISness, into a comprehensive, bite-sized, mind squiggle for you….

Perhaps I oughtn’t shoot the unicorn. Or keep her in a fashionably small box stall…. No, I’ll just let her roam the galaxy, grazing on tender shoots of wild starlight and the cool juices of many moons… and gallop through Athena Graceland whenever I please.

OM.

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