Desire Bursts Free in Graceland


My body is a Rumi poem.  Aflame as lusty divine longing.  Blazing, sleepless passion.  I did my best to suppress my Desire…. and I hate to admit how successful I was.  For a while.  Sigh… As women of this skewed patriarchal culture, we have become adept at suppressing the raging white water shakti force within us.  Certainly not an accomplishment worth celebrating.

And here’s what I don’t get…. After my sacred feminine flow of universally intelligent life force energy has been pinched off for so long… when I finally release myself to it’s mysterious sacred intelligence, it squirts all over the place and makes profoundly unwieldy messes.  And it scares me.  Because it wrecks the nice tidy topiaries of my ego-informed existence.  And it takes a crap load of self love to stay open and stand in the aftermath of my intellectually perplexing, Desire-led navigation of Life.

And now, shall we ground all this glittering, esoteric conceptuality into the flesh and bones, blood and guts framework of my current slice of Life Story?  Gosh, my belly is so squishy with all this inconvenient winter weather and forced hibernation.  Will my Italian Lover still desire me?  I hate that I get possessed by such insecurities… I’d love to graduate from that superficial bullshit once and for all.  (And.  I’d like to be able to exercise more.)

Story.  So in my last trounce through Graceland, I sang from my blissful mountain top perch about how Ed was fully IN, and Serena and I were going to go live with him in the Bay Area, as soon as we found a suitable nest.  We were going to be a happily ever after nuclear unit!  Then came the eclipses.  And unsettling disconnect.  Breakdowns in communication.  Financial freak out.  (On Ed’s part… Gosh, I really feel for men who by the bonds of lineage, enslave themselves to this idiotic patriarchal construct we have fashioned.  They often exist in a perpetual rubble pile of pressure and financial stress to handle it all.  Alone.  Not exactly what I’d call “Life Affirming”.)  But anyway, as I stood in the aftermath of said influences and occurrences, I felt to be back in the exact same place (Just the other day, my wise priestess friend Quynh said “you cannot stand in the same River twice”, which is ultimately true.  And yet….)  But there I was, trying to coach Ed through his next action steps, as though my life depended on it… Longingly peering into the frosted candy shoppe window at the Life Together that seemed perpetually out of reach.  Desperate, frustrated, hopeless.

And in a flash, I realized I was done.

Meanwhile I was participating in a fourteen day sex magic initiation, guided by a skillful, inspiring, sovereign priestess sister…. and as my orgasmic energy awoke, my deep vagina and the stream of whispering, intelligent soul song that flows from within this feminine well called out, “Giordano”, with lucid articulation.

Now I suppose it’s debatable…. if the messages of my body are trustable and worthy of giving one’s self over to…. But I’d like to think that my body of recycled stars is a radio tower to the Cosmos.  Ever since my Italian Lover entered my Life and Body, sex with Ed has not been the same.  An empty husk.  Yet I have tried a few too many frustrated times to fuck us backward in time.  Because I love him.  And he is the father of my daughter.  And my mind said it was the “right thing to do”.

I came way too close to locking my Desire in a damp, subterranean cell and tossing the vintage skeleton key into the primordial sea.  But my soul said FUCK THAT.  My Priestess Path will not allow me to veer too far off course.  I am not designed to be possessed.  That would be harm and foul to humanity and the planet.  And more important than those idealistic aquarian constructs– to MY SELF.

You should know that I was terrified to commit these words to the page… because the space between me and Ed feels so fragile right now.  He is crushed.  In his world he was working as fast as he could to get free from thirty five years of marital tangle and come to me and Serena.  Me losing interest and moving on is NOT what his shallow self was banking on.  And being an empath, his pain and confusion crush me too.  (Lately, I often feel sharp, energetic stabbing sensations in the center of my heart…) I have a deep fear of being abandoned by him.  This fear, plus a profound need for Daddy’s holding has kept me holding on as long as I possibly could… abandoning my Self instead.

I know I’m not the only one who is willing to abandon myself in exchange for some semblance of external safety, belonging, support…  And I take delicious pride in exposing these unsightly dimensions of my existence in hopes that it will illuminate your own inner tangle and set you free.

Or maybe it’s not about you at all.  Maybe it’s just a fuckin wild and bizarre story, and if I don’t tell it, it will die along with this heavenly body, and I could not live with such a burden.

Giordano is flying back to me in two weeks.  To “see what can be” between us.  I am amazed he has held on this long.  When I told him I was stepping fully into Ed and closing the door on romantic possibilities between us, he cried for four days straight.  And sporadically after that.  He said the pain cleansed his soul.  He said I live inside him.  Inside every breath.  I know it is true, because deep down, I feel it too.  Even though, as stated in the intro to this blog, I am masterful and the suppression of my Desire, beneath the logic and reason… He is there.  He tells me he is not attached to an outcome.  Loving me is enough.  For who I actually AM.  And yet he feels to come here…. to see what can be.

My body is on fire.  And I wonder…. about the lost mystic wisdom of the Divine Feminine.  Perhaps what has for so long been dismissed as mere “lust” and “desire”, is actually the sensitive instrument of the body translating the voice of the soul, which is intended to be our luminous Holy Navigation System through the dark terrain of this physical plane.

I wonder…..

And give myself over….

To the God that dances…

As Life.

I finished my tantra yoga immersion three days ago, and I’m still trying to make sense of it. Compared to the Ananda Yoga teacher training I just finished, this one seemed haphazard and all over the place. Mining the gifts bestowed upon me over the seven days of the training has been like being on a treasure hunt in a midnight labyrinth. Because of who I am, I find this simultaneously frustrating and exhilarating. Heck yes, I like to work! And yet, do I really need to pay a thousand dollars to work so hard? But let’s not hang out in that frivolous mind fuck. I have way more important layers to unpack.

On the second to last day, a woman asked the teacher a question that, like a loose spark, ignited a blazing fire in me. Before I dive in, I want to meander three steps to the left, and say that I was repeatedly turned off by the nature of the questions that many of the students asked the teacher. From my “partial perception”, it seemed like many of the women were so quick to give their power over to the teacher. As if he was not a more mortal, but a Shiva dancing on a heaven-scraping pedestal. This play was reminiscent of the guru-disciple relationship… which I have some genuine reverence for. But the trouble with that, is that Pedro is not a guru. Nor does he portend to be one. He’s a man with a beautiful, truth-seeking soul, a strong, devoted practice and a burning drive to share what he has unearthed within himself. Anyway, lemme keep this plug concise- Stop giving away your power and TRUST YOURSELF. (and yes, I am saying this to myself, as well as to alla y’all.)

And now for the bread and butter of this blog. The woman’s question wasn’t really a question at all… it was more like a deep wound being voiced in a space where she felt safe to share, and hungry for healing. She confessed that she had issue with all of the devotional chanting (and general praises) to Lord Shiva we were doing. She confessed wounding around the masculine, and thus a preference to worship the Goddess. (In retrospect, I’m mildly amused by how Pedro grappled with response to her “question”. I mean what can you say to that, really?)

But hallelujah that our friend brought this issue to light! It is an important topic for us all to explore together, here in Athena Graceland. We ARE living in a sorely imbalanced world, at this time. I am stating the obvious here. We are killing each other, raping the earth, and limping along in a pathetic fever dream of “each man for himself”. It sucks.


Yes, you could certainly argue with me. A very convincing case at that. But WHY on earth would you argue for the right to BLAME? Blame blows. As an esteemed ambassador for the New World, I am here to tell you that it is time to cleanse our calcified misgivings in the holy waters of forgiveness.

Listen up. We are all in this together. We must stop dividing ourselves and come together as one human family. We are all children of God. And if the G-word turns you off, don’t choose to get hung up there and miss the message. Love. Love is the creative glue of the universe. And thru the eyes of Love, we all look exactly the same; equally, unsayably magnificent.

Yes, absolutely it is time for women to rise up. Goddess YES! Everywhere I turn, I am surrounded by wise, powerful and beautiful women who are waking from the dream of oppression, and rising up. Together. But if we condemn and despise our men, we are only striking against ourselves.

I was eating my lunch at the Berkeley Bowl on my way to the last day of class… feeling tender and premenstrual… and this dude looked me up and down, and I felt a mild twinge of disgust. I will testify that it sucks to be looked at like a piece of meat. But here’s the thing- men don’t know any better. They have all been trained by a society of low consciousness, where we’ve all passively agreed that it’s acceptable and even desirable to sell sex. And underneath the surface of this lie, we are ALL starving for genuine connection, acceptance, love.

Think about it- what good is it gonna do for me to close my heart to that man, who is simply ignorant. That will only serve to widen the divide. Women- stop condemning men for acting like dopes. It is time for us to come together and remember our wholeness, raise each other up. And from this foundation of unwavering self-love, true power and forgiveness, we must serve as guides and teachers for our men. Stand proud and glorious in who you ARE ,rather than pretending to be who you think you need to be in order to “get love”. We are each the SOURCE of Love. Ask for what you want. Acknowledge, praise and reward men when they get it right. We are all in this together. Just like men would not be here without women, women would not be here without men.

Women and men have different areas of strength and expertise. The time has come to recognize and celebrate our differences, and work together to co-create a balanced healthy world where love prevails.

What stories, misgivings, old wounds must YOU let go of, in order to step into this brave new paradigm of forgiveness and joyful co-operation? Please, on behalf of humanity, (not to mention the thrival of your own heart, body and soul…) LET GO. Let go of hurt and blame, and choose instead the joy of working together to build a world of peace, love and unity. Oh, and listen, don’t wait for others to “earn” your generosity. Live by example. The revolution is YOUR unconditional love.


Gratitude and Healing Prayers to the Father

I’m feeling modestly paralyzed in regards to writing this blog.  I am wondering WHY bother doing ANYTHING unless it is strictly in the name of the HIGHEST.  I feel intolerant of anything less.  And yet…

And yet…

And yet…

I wonder my brains out

What the Highest would say through me.

I can’t stop playing that Amma youtube video that I shared with you in my last entry.  I just keep watching it and crying.  And feeling something inside me fighting to be born.  This is good.  But I feel clumsy and unsure.

I guess I want to tell you a few things.  One, it is father’s day.  In church this morning they addressed not only “fathers in the biblical sense” (grin), but also the Heavenly Father aspect alive within each of us.  I felt into that as though they were suggesting the advent of the blasted WHEEL!  Me?  A father?  Strange.  Father God.  It made me cry.  I have done a lot of healing around my relationship with my father.  And clearly, I am far from through.  He and my mom divorced when I was two.  From then on, I lived primarily with my mom, who busted her butt to take care of me.  From a very early age, she sent me to Reno to live with my dad for the summers.  This was mostly torture for me.  A very lonely time.  Certainly my dad did his best.  And certainly, his best screwed me up.  And certainly, I FORGIVE HIM.

I went through years of my life where I actively hated him.  I consciously took a year of zero communication with him.  I have felt hurt that he is now married and has twin ten year olds.  I have felt somehow cheated.  Like why did THEY get his best, his commitment, his willingness to BE THERE?  But a much wiser part of me knows that this is how it was written.  This is how it must be.  And I wouldn’t have wanted to be raised in his emotionally stunted home anyway.  That said, I KNOW HE IS DOING HIS BEST.  I respect his path.

Up until about six months ago, I had fallen pretty sorely out of touch with him.  I always had anxiety about calling his house and having his wife or ten year old daughter answer the phone, because I had some feelings that they were pretty disappointed in me.  So instead, I just stopped calling.  He stopped calling me.  I thought it was easier that way.  But it still plagued me.  Even when my head tries to convince me that life is easier without having to deal with a certain crunchy karmic relationship, my heart does not cease to suffer until love is restored.  So six months ago, I got a text message from my friend Deirdre telling me that my dad really wanted to talk to me.  I found this amazingly confusing.  How would Deirdre know????  Turns out that my dad had lost my phone number and couldn’t get a hold of me, so he had googled me and found me on the SpiralMuse website (  So he called the number on the website and left a message in the ragged outside chance that it would lead him to me!   And it did.   When I called him, his voice was like a ripe fruit, bursting with juicy joy to hear from me.  I was astounded to feel this kind of joyous care.  Since then we have talked nearly every week.

I used to hate talking to him, because my experience was that he played the same tapes over and over again, and I soon sickened of hearing them.  But not anymore.  Now every conversation is REAL and deep and intimate.  I feel seen and unconditionally loved by my father. (I can’t stop crying as I write this.)  Not only does he tell me that he loves me… but I can feel the love overflowing in his voice.  I feel so blessed by this.  And evernewly awestruck.   I don’t know how we made it to this loving place.  But I can’t stop thanking and praising All Pervading Father for this.  And you couldn’t stop me with all the muffins and marbles in the universe.

I should also mention that I have been blessed with many father figures throughout my life.  They have loved me and blessed me with their masculine gifts in various ways.  My step dad, Doug provided security and stability in my life for a big chunk of my childhood.  My Cosmic Dad, Ken “Saturn” provided the same in my early twenties, and as well, he listed to me, really saw me and introduced me into vast worlds of transformation and community!  My best friend growing up, Amber… her dad was so kind and generous to me.  He was so caring and played with us like nobody’s business… he let us kick his ass at wiffle ball, us against him on a regular basis, drove us around San Anselmo in the back of his yellow Nissan pick-up truck.  THANK YOU BOB!!!!  To name a few…

Men.  Men are strange creatures.  I honor the masculine today. The masculine within myself, within each of us.  Within the Universe, its Self.  I pray that we forgive the wounded masculine for throwing our world off kilter.  There is so much talk about returning to the Divine Feminine these days.  And I sense some hostility toward the Divine Masculine for the way the world has become.  But listen!  It’s not an either or game.  In order to be whole in our one self, we must create a healthy balance between the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine.  I know this is obvious… but I speak it as a friendly reminder, because we can never be reminded of truth too much, since our default minds can be such condemning jerks.  Please join me this day in honoring the Heavenly Father aspect of your very own, beautiful Divine Self!  If you have grievances against your own father, consider FORGIVING today.