A Dress Rehersal For Goodbye

I was planning to write my blog on the airplane today… but that just goes to show you the inanity of planning.  Nope, I’m in none other than Mykael’s windowless, cave-esque bedroom, bathing in the warm, orangey glow of his Himalayan salt lamp, serenaded by the dry mouth noises of Anjali, who is tender and meticulously bathing herself.  Ask me if I was surprised when my flight got postponed… Barely.  That’s sure been the trend these days.  I’m having my first surfing lessons before I even reach the beach!  My new flight leaves at eight thirty tomorrow morning.  INSHALA!!!!  (God willing)… Mercury is in retrograde… but never in my life have the setbacks been slung at me with such relentless rapid fire.

What is it supposed to mean that I was at my holy soul sistah, Dara’s house preparing for the pilgrimage to the airport (actually, I had rolled my yoga mat out on her floor and was doing a few asanas… before I spent the remainder of the day lounging on the scrawny pillow formerly known as my bum…) when SMACK!!! WHAM!  POW!  A humming bird flew right into Dara’s livingroom window and plummeted lifelessly to onto the deck.  It lay in a heaving pile on the cold metal grating of the patio.  My body seized in empathic shock.  Dara too ran to the windowed French doors in a panic.  It was Nurse Mykael who was able to remain calm and cool.  He found a Kleenex and scooped the tiny, shocked wonder up in his warm, loving hands.  He ordered Dara to make some sugar water.  She did… in a little pirex glass and brought it to him, still stirring it with her trembling finger.  Mykael put the bird’s long, slender beak right into the nectar.  I was skeptical, but in mere moments, the wounded creature was sucking it up eagerly, its eyes still closed.  Mykael cradled the luminous green creature so lovingly, with his attention sharpened to a dangerously fine point.  The tiny bird drank and drank and drank.  I began to relax, though I was not convinced that he would survive.

Dara asked, “Is this auspicious?”

I was back on my yoga mat by now attempting to make as much space in my body and mind as possible before I spread my massive metal wings and took flight.  “No.  It’s the antithesis of auspicious,” I replied from downward facing dog.

Remember a couple of blogs ago when I reported praying to God to help me “go forth and live this day in joy”, when I had been feeling only heart ache and exhaustion, and then minutes later I saw the hummingbird drinking from the clear, singing water of the three tiered fountain and I had known without a doubt that God had heard my prayer?  Well… now here I was four days later and a hummingbird had flown into a window and was currently on life support, cradled in Mykael’s cupped palm.  What was the message in this?  Was our joy in dire straights?  Was tragedy afoot?  Was life just meaninglessly cruel and unusual?

But I loved watching Mykael so intent, his entire existence dedicated to the nurturing of this tiny, wondrous life as I indulgently breathed my body open.  Finally, right as the clock struck pumpkin, the little bird spread its iridescent wings and flew!  …Right back into the window.  Ouch.  Again, my body seized in an empathic cringe.  But this time the bird had not had enough momentum to make a serious impact, so when Mykael picked it up again and held it up to fly, away it sped into the open, gray sky.  All three of our hearts flew right along with him!  Relief and revelation!!!  I fell in love with Mykael afresh.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as moving as that man giving everything he was to the teensy, vulnerable, feathered miracle.  Then he plunked down on the couch and reported that if either of us ever found ourselves in the position to resuscitate a hummingbird, that the secret is to sway your arms to mimic a tree in the wind.  Ah-ha!  Great.  Thanks Mykael… I’ll tuck that one under my ten gallon sombrero.

So maybe the message is to hold my joyful spirit with such love and care even when it feels defeated, stunned or hopeless.  In any case, I’m just glad that the story had a happy ending.  Honestly…

And then we piled into Falcon (Mykael’s Jeep Cherokee) and headed for SFO.  I was so happy to be with two of the people with whom I have been most intimately sharing my life with in this last chapter.  Dara and I nattered away like two glory-stricken lady birds and Mykael drove, silently brooding.  Mykael… he confessed that he wants to be angry at me for leaving… but he has been choosing to step into the highest and realize that I am making a very powerful and appropriate choice.  I get it.  I know that battle between recognition of the highest and the temptations of lower emotional tugs.  I live it every day man.  (You’ve gotta hear me say that in a rough, stoner, hippy voice…)

Mykael.  We got in a spat this morning… and as a result he admitted that he’s confused because I keep wanting closeness, yet I am leaving in mere hours.  He’d rater shut down and get on with his new life.  I get it.  I guess that’s why people create good olde fashioned juicy drama around breaking up… so they don’t have to feel the love that’s there.  The love that will never leave, because in Truth, once a Beloved, always a Beloved, ‘member?  Yup… that means anyone that you have loved in the past who now leaves a bad taste in your mouth… well that bad taste is just misdirected love, I believe.  Love doesn’t EVER shut up.  It just keeps streaming and roaring and streaming and pounding its self in the bracing pool of its own holy body below.

Goodbye.  We arrived at SFO.  Mykael pulled to the curb in front of the American Airlines terminal and unloaded my ungodly heavy baggage.  Dara and I hugged with our whole bodies and selves.  We hugged the way I wish all women hugged one another.  I had an impulse to put her in my gigantic suitcase and be done with it.  I felt so much love for this effulgent, eccentric old soul who is ever-reverent and devoted for life to our divinely ordained, sometimes gristly, always true, friendship.

Then I turned to Mykael.  He took off the sunglasses that he often retreats behind.  Vulnerability gleamed in his pale, mystic eyes.  He pulled me in and our bodies spoke such a deep language of soulful familiarity.  Emotion sloshed up from within me.  He kept his tender eyes open, softly locked with mine.  I wanted to fall apart.  In this moment, in the truth between our hearts, there was only love.  My mind fell away.  It was a goodbye apropos to compliment and complete our beginning~ unfathomably deep and immediate…

And then I was alone.  Just me and my seventy seven pound suitcase, my typewriter and my brimming backpack.  But alas… God’s time must be stumble drunk these days… because I can’t seem to walk a straight line.  Dear God… I hope you will lovingly carry me to the Garden Island tomorrow morning.  And may I shower blessings upon all those I meet along the way.  Amen.

God Answered My Prayer!!!

Guess what everybody?!?!  God heard my prayer last night!  God really heard my prayer last night!!!  I guess God hears every prayer… but the one I spewed out last night was so drenched in feeling, which is way more powerful than some petty strands of half hearted, clunky words.  First of all, I love writing after all… and more importantly, I have been recognizing all the Love I feel for everyone as the sacred nectar of God’s Love.  (AND this is a total non sequitur, but I just successfully gave my cat her de-worming pill, which I have been terrified to do and hence put off for about six months now… But I finally mustered the courage.  I was cleaning out the refrigerator [for the second time in the year that I’ve lived here] and stumbled upon this almost full jar of mayonnaise.  The classical light bulb winked jubilantly above my head.  I marched into Mykael’s bedroom to see if Anjali dug on mayonnaise.  Yup.  So I said a prayer, dipped the pill in salty, white slime and crammed it into her mouth.  She wriggled and fought, but when the smoke cleared, the pill was missing in action!!!!  My heart ached for torturing her.  I mean it REALLY ached.  I apologized to her profusely.  She hid behind a chair and licked her dainty chops like there was no tomorrow.  Hasta la vista, you gross little wormy creatures.)

Now back to God’s Love.  It all started this morning.  No, it started last night.  I read Souldipper’s comment and an email she wrote me, right as I was falling asleep.  Folks, lemme tell you a little something about Souldipper~ this woman sure knows something of Love.  And I’m talking about the All Pervading strain… Every time I receive words from her, they are heavily marinated in some potent universal Love.  They sing inside me and broaden my divine inner vistas with the naturalness of breath.  I am always amazed!  I laid in bed after a rough day and felt as if God was cradling me.  Cha-ching!!!  Thank you Missus Dipper!

But then on the bittersweet side of the coin, I had a date with Eric (my beloved ex-fiancé) to go to my church (east bay church of religious science) this morning and he canceled and said he needed to meet later.  This devastated me.  I had been so excited to share one of the most nourishing facets of my existence with him.  When he broke the tainted news to me via text, my heart curdled and withered like a gross old bowl of jello that has been sitting in the fridge since the beginning of time.  My time has been so precious to me lately as I prepare to move house, see dear friends one last time, exercise, earn money… phew, I’m sweating just thinking about it.  So I felt disrespected by his frivolous postponement.  (So much so that I woke up at 3:45am and gave it about an hour of good, hard thought!)  In the morning as I sipped my yerba matte in bed, I decided to email Souldipper first… because I knew that would put me right where I belonged~ in my heart.  Then I would express my “yuckies” to Eric when I was feeling open, clear and centered.

I wrote to him and shared what was true for me, including that I expressed with the intention of releasing it and keeping our channel of communication and intimacy clear.  Then I leapt on my Black Beauty (my bike) and pedaled to church.  In meditation, I thought about Eric.  Yes, I KNOW I’m not supposed to think in meditation.  But sometimes this flawed goddess does… what can I say?  I felt afraid that expressing negative emotions would push him further away, when really I wanted more closeness.  But as I sat feeling the tangle of emotions in my heart, I realized they were really just Love!  I only felt hurt and disappointed because I loved him and wanted to share with him.  And I spoke my truth to him for the same reason.  As this awareness bloomed in me, so did my heart bloom.  I released the stories and focused on the pure sensations in my heart, choosing to recognize them as Love.

Then after meditation, I checked my email (on my Iphone)… I know that’s a tacky thing to do in church, but I did it and God doesn’t even care.  I am not a sinner.  I do not have to repent for this.  God actually cheered me on.  I saw an email from Eric and he told me that he had not realized that this church meant so much to me.  He also shared some vulnerable stuff that was in his heart.  My intention came true and I felt free again.  Plus, I had the epiphany about disappointment and resentment being nothing more than unexpressed Love.  That is huge.  I believe that any time we feel shadowy, “negative” emotions, that’s all they really are.

As the day ripened and spread open before me, my heart swirled with gratitude and love.  I realized that everyone I am blessed to Love is me Loving God.  It’s all the same.  Every expression of Love is borrowed from the same oceanic bank.  And this bank is Unlimited.  I can “fall” in Love with every single person, every single moment.  And today, I did.  Because God heard my prayer last night.  Today, everywhere I looked, I saw the ecstasy of Love illuminating my vision.  I sat under my favorite eucalyptus tree at the farmer’s market and ate delicious, nourishing lunch that I packed for myself.  The sun was out and the creek was running.  Children LOVE when the water flows!  They flock to it and become totally absorbed in joyful, playful presence.  Most parents let their kids have at it… except for the handful of moms and dads with poopy diapers who forbid their little ones from the primal indulgence for fear of “germs” or getting dirty.  I sure pity those kids.  But I sat alone under the tree eating the best food ever and bathing in the delight of children drawn to the flowing water like cherubs to the exploding center of Haven.  Then Eric arrived and we nibbled on time and space and the communion of two who will always be One at heart.

God, thank you for answering my prayer.  Thank you!!! Amen.

P.S.~ I just read this blog aloud to Mykael as I proof-read it.  He lamented, “I wasn’t in there.”  So I said, “P.S., I Love Mykael.”  Friends, I wish you were here to see his face… it lit up like a new born sun when I said that… which naturally tickled me and made my own heart blaze.  So…PS, I Love Mykael.  Yes, I do.  Once a Beloved, always a Beloved, if you ask Athena Grace LMNOP!