Alone in Forsaken Scapes.

I am alone.  It is a strange sensation… to be alone in my house on a rainy sunday.  Serena will come home soon, which has me “writing with one eye open”… but this is better than nothing.  Forest is with his dad for the day.  The rain falling outside looks like sifted powdered sugar, but it is not snow.  Thank God. 

I am alone.  Last night Shanti-ma came over and “counseled me”.  She’s a good counselor because she is able to stay rooted in a neutral and honest plot of reality.  And she is attuned to divine love and wisdom.  I was expressing the recent torrential gales of need I feel related to love from man/men.  I guess it’s always been in me… this need… of daddy’s adoring love.  But since things fell apart with Giordano, it has been deafening in moments.  I watch this desperate part of me grasping for an externalized sense of masculine presence and love.  I know there must be something IN ME… that I have lost touch with.  My inner masculine, my inner marriage.  And meanwhile this wounded female predator stalks prey.  A man to seduce and conquer.  Make him SEE ME.  Make him LOVE ME.  

Thankfully at this point I am able to remain rooted in the consciousness of witness.  Plus, I don’t have the “luxury” of acting it out, because I am too busy being mom and anyway there aren’t any compelling men around.  Praise the Lord.  The LAST thing I need right now is more man trouble.  My unwieldy husband is plenty!  

Anyway, when I confessed this “ugly shadow” to Shanti-ma, she said, “You are alone.” Then a brazen pause, which formed a chasm and the words and their meaning bled into the soil of silence within. “I am alone. Everyone is alone. And sometimes it is lonely. And anyone who pretends it isn’t is deluding themself and others. But you can call Him up. When you are feeling alone. And He will be with you.”

Or something like that.  If my life were to be made into a feature film, this scene would definitely make the cut.  It would even make the TRAILER.  It was such a sober, slicing moment.  A moment of intimacy from one glorious and bleeding holy soldier to another.  Like “let’s not waste anymore time with pretense.  Your asshole does NOT need anymore smoke up in it, my Friend.

And now for my latest reflection on vulnerability.  This exquisite “Italian Sister” gave me an astrology/numerology reading to help me elucidate the passage I am making now.  She mentioned that I struggle with true vulnerability.  This assertion snagged my curiosity.  I perceive myself as one who values and has some amount of fluency in the realm of vulnerability.  But is this just an ego-stained overlay?  Maybe, I mused, I am savvy in “controlled vulnerability”… I share “vulnerably” in my writing… yet I am always in control of what I show you, and what I keep for myself, and even from myself.  

Not that there’s anything wrong with what I do.  I see beauty and grace in what and how I share… but I am still wondering… what is TRUE VULNERABILITY.  Heart to heart, soul to soul.  No filters.  Groundless.  Free-falling.  Have I EVER fully experienced such a phenomenon?  

She said that in the face of this quintessential terror of my true vulnerability, I rely on a false sense of strength.  And my work is to dismantle this knee-jerk shadow boxing match with myself.  Ok, that’s not exactly how she said it…    😉

My energy healer said that my tumors are all the pain that I have been through… consolidated into four precise points.  And that in order to heal them, I MUST tune IN to them and write.  Write it all through my system.  Write them into annihilation.  This is simultaneously daunting and thrilling.  Like there’s NOTHING I’d rather do than enter into the deepest reaches of my being and write it down in the name of Healing For All… and yet… I doubt my capacity to reach this far IN.  

Shanti-ma said I have anger issues.  Because I reach out to her when I am triggered as fuck by Darling Giordano.  And it’s pretty easy for me to go up in flames these days.  Which may indeed indicate “anger issues”.  She said Giordano is just a catalyst for the deep stuff that’s ready to come up and out… That the one who is angry is so young.  

Perhaps even vulnerable. 

I know I have “inner child issues”… Because I have a hard time connecting with “Dawnie-Cakes”.  (my nickname as a child)  When I look inside for her… radio silence.  Where is she hiding?  And meanwhile I butt heads with Serena too often.  She mostly feels that I don’t give her enough attention, so she acts out and pisses me off in order to get more of me.  But her demands and sass and stubbornness trigger the shit out of me.  Hello anger issues. She cries.  My nervous system cringes and explodes.  I demand she STOP.  She goes harder.  I shout.  LOUD.  I feel sick.  This is a pattern of sickness.  It must be healed.

Shanti-ma says that Serena is my Inner Child.  And when one of these episodes commences, the most healing choice is to dive beneath the waves and “go to her”, hug her.  It is ME.  This sounds so simple, right?  It’s not.  When I am triggered, heated, angry, it is SO HARD to let go and hold her.  Practice will make me perfect.  I have some work to do.   I’m talkin deeep ancestral healing.  I know this is what I am here for.

Remember- we have the power to set so many free when we bring love to the forsaken scapes within.

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