Desire Bursts Free in Graceland

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My body is a Rumi poem.  Aflame as lusty divine longing.  Blazing, sleepless passion.  I did my best to suppress my Desire…. and I hate to admit how successful I was.  For a while.  Sigh… As women of this skewed patriarchal culture, we have become adept at suppressing the raging white water shakti force within us.  Certainly not an accomplishment worth celebrating.

And here’s what I don’t get…. After my sacred feminine flow of universally intelligent life force energy has been pinched off for so long… when I finally release myself to it’s mysterious sacred intelligence, it squirts all over the place and makes profoundly unwieldy messes.  And it scares me.  Because it wrecks the nice tidy topiaries of my ego-informed existence.  And it takes a crap load of self love to stay open and stand in the aftermath of my intellectually perplexing, Desire-led navigation of Life.

And now, shall we ground all this glittering, esoteric conceptuality into the flesh and bones, blood and guts framework of my current slice of Life Story?  Gosh, my belly is so squishy with all this inconvenient winter weather and forced hibernation.  Will my Italian Lover still desire me?  I hate that I get possessed by such insecurities… I’d love to graduate from that superficial bullshit once and for all.  (And.  I’d like to be able to exercise more.)

Story.  So in my last trounce through Graceland, I sang from my blissful mountain top perch about how Ed was fully IN, and Serena and I were going to go live with him in the Bay Area, as soon as we found a suitable nest.  We were going to be a happily ever after nuclear unit!  Then came the eclipses.  And unsettling disconnect.  Breakdowns in communication.  Financial freak out.  (On Ed’s part… Gosh, I really feel for men who by the bonds of lineage, enslave themselves to this idiotic patriarchal construct we have fashioned.  They often exist in a perpetual rubble pile of pressure and financial stress to handle it all.  Alone.  Not exactly what I’d call “Life Affirming”.)  But anyway, as I stood in the aftermath of said influences and occurrences, I felt to be back in the exact same place (Just the other day, my wise priestess friend Quynh said “you cannot stand in the same River twice”, which is ultimately true.  And yet….)  But there I was, trying to coach Ed through his next action steps, as though my life depended on it… Longingly peering into the frosted candy shoppe window at the Life Together that seemed perpetually out of reach.  Desperate, frustrated, hopeless.

And in a flash, I realized I was done.

Meanwhile I was participating in a fourteen day sex magic initiation, guided by a skillful, inspiring, sovereign priestess sister…. and as my orgasmic energy awoke, my deep vagina and the stream of whispering, intelligent soul song that flows from within this feminine well called out, “Giordano”, with lucid articulation.

Now I suppose it’s debatable…. if the messages of my body are trustable and worthy of giving one’s self over to…. But I’d like to think that my body of recycled stars is a radio tower to the Cosmos.  Ever since my Italian Lover entered my Life and Body, sex with Ed has not been the same.  An empty husk.  Yet I have tried a few too many frustrated times to fuck us backward in time.  Because I love him.  And he is the father of my daughter.  And my mind said it was the “right thing to do”.

I came way too close to locking my Desire in a damp, subterranean cell and tossing the vintage skeleton key into the primordial sea.  But my soul said FUCK THAT.  My Priestess Path will not allow me to veer too far off course.  I am not designed to be possessed.  That would be harm and foul to humanity and the planet.  And more important than those idealistic aquarian constructs– to MY SELF.

You should know that I was terrified to commit these words to the page… because the space between me and Ed feels so fragile right now.  He is crushed.  In his world he was working as fast as he could to get free from thirty five years of marital tangle and come to me and Serena.  Me losing interest and moving on is NOT what his shallow self was banking on.  And being an empath, his pain and confusion crush me too.  (Lately, I often feel sharp, energetic stabbing sensations in the center of my heart…) I have a deep fear of being abandoned by him.  This fear, plus a profound need for Daddy’s holding has kept me holding on as long as I possibly could… abandoning my Self instead.

I know I’m not the only one who is willing to abandon myself in exchange for some semblance of external safety, belonging, support…  And I take delicious pride in exposing these unsightly dimensions of my existence in hopes that it will illuminate your own inner tangle and set you free.

Or maybe it’s not about you at all.  Maybe it’s just a fuckin wild and bizarre story, and if I don’t tell it, it will die along with this heavenly body, and I could not live with such a burden.

Giordano is flying back to me in two weeks.  To “see what can be” between us.  I am amazed he has held on this long.  When I told him I was stepping fully into Ed and closing the door on romantic possibilities between us, he cried for four days straight.  And sporadically after that.  He said the pain cleansed his soul.  He said I live inside him.  Inside every breath.  I know it is true, because deep down, I feel it too.  Even though, as stated in the intro to this blog, I am masterful and the suppression of my Desire, beneath the logic and reason… He is there.  He tells me he is not attached to an outcome.  Loving me is enough.  For who I actually AM.  And yet he feels to come here…. to see what can be.

My body is on fire.  And I wonder…. about the lost mystic wisdom of the Divine Feminine.  Perhaps what has for so long been dismissed as mere “lust” and “desire”, is actually the sensitive instrument of the body translating the voice of the soul, which is intended to be our luminous Holy Navigation System through the dark terrain of this physical plane.

I wonder…..

And give myself over….

To the God that dances…

As Life.

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