I Keep Going…

I just felt a surge of the secret pleasure that rushes through me when I am alone with my laptop, hovering on the threshold of a fresh linguistic expulsion. It’s this precursory sense of relief… an internal “ahhh…. ALL of me gets to exist!” …Without hinging on permission or validation or appropriateness OR any of the other complications that accompany human relationships. Well… Until I push “publish”… and then I always risk stepping on someone’s toes or poking at a tender spot, or being misunderstood. Sigh.

But my point stands. I am relieved to touch down in Athena Graceland this morning, and just BE ME… without being directed or coached by others to be more “spiritual”. Honestly, it’s a sharp-assed double edged sword to hang out in a spiritual community. Yogananda said, “environment is stronger than will”, and how true it is! For example, when I’m in the bay area, I love drinking wine and beer!!! But at Ananda, I could give a flying saint about booze. And I mostly love being surround by others who prioritize loving and serving God through ALL. It amplifies my proclivity to give myself to life and love. (Really, in this upside-down world, that’s the only thing that makes sense…) I’m sure you could look at your OWN life and find ample evidence of this assertion. People are like systems of cells in the body of God. Our thought and behavior is deeply woven with the intentions, actions and beliefs of those around us.

But where was I even going with that?… Oh, the double edged sword. Well… sometimes I see people hiding out behind the veneer of spiritual teachings. Just flinging out trite “wisdoms”, and meanwhile lingering in the shadowed “privacy” of their own bondage. I am a believer in mining the darkness with a sense of curious, surrendered humility. Otherwise you get lopsided and hollow.

I’m gonna stop my own train, right now. I don’t want to philosophize and make sweeping generalizations. I just want to say that I am in the darkest days of PMS and I’m having a really hard time swallowing the pill called “life as I know it”. If you think you’ve encountered a “horse pill” in your day… HA! Multiply that times its self and then add eleven twelfths of infinity. And there you shall find life as I know it.

I’m in an awkward phase of spiritual development. I KNOW that happiness does not exist in external things. Perfect happiness is our natural state, as children of God. But this perpetual ISness gets maniacally skewed by all of the ingrained habits, wrong, egoic beliefs, and attachments to future fulfillment and past pains and victories.

My mind feels like MUD. I look around me… and the sky is dark, the carpets are ancient and dingy, the walls are half-painted and everything smells just a wee bit skanky. (except at lunch and dinner time in the dining room!) (and I’m not even allowed to burn incense, for fear that I’ll set this old boarding school ablaze…) Every day is a new day to wake up and teach (“share”) yoga to my ONE devoted student, wash towers of dishes, scrub toilets, mop, vacuum, eat, meditate, flail and ache in my my love and longing with Ed ….

Ooops, I just lost that sense of spacious, unconditional self expression. I imagined Miriam reading this… and maybe feeling a little hurt… or thinking, “what an entitled little princess” . I guess that’s just ME thinking that of myself. It’s just that I thought life would be so different than this… when I “grew up”… I thought I’d be a “successful” writer… A spiritual teacher… A mother… A wife. I thought I’d live in a beautiful, luxurious home with an artistic, thriving garden…

Did I *really* think that??? I don’t know. But at some level… I thought I’d figure out how to earn money doing something that mattered to me and I’d be able to afford a “comfortable”, middle american existence and get on with the business of ignorant bliss that is maya. I wasn’t banking on the world as we know it coming undone at the seams, and meanwhile, being perpetually held at an arm’s length from the clarity of my own, soul-inspired dreams.

There are three affirmations, hand written on the door I walk through to get to the temple every morning. The last one says, “I believe that I have the strength to make my dreams come true.” I always make an effort to read them. But inevitably, I then grope about inside for “my dreams”… and come up short. Instead I find myself wondering WHAT IS REAL; WHAT MATTERS… and feeling fucked because I DON’T KNOW.

In reality, this is a GOOD thing. Because how many lives have I spent chasing dreams and desires that truly DON’T MATTER??!!! More than I care to divulge!! (even to own self!) There is power in landing in the place I am in, where I have come undone, and am hanging out in the unfamiliar, unknown, in-between space. Because FINALLY there is room for Truth to rise and bloom in me. If I’m filled to capacity with all my insidious delusions, how can Truth ever dawn? Impossible. But like I said, it’s awkward. And uncomfortable. And I miss being in the company of people who just say it like it is. On this path, people *seem* more inward and private about their process. And it makes me feel alienated and stripped of my humanity. But I guess this too is a double edged sword. Because people certainly CAN go overboard talking about their stupid, self-indulgent FEELINGS and endless inner processes. Sigh.

Screwed if you do, funked if you don’t. It’s all just a big circus, anyway! And what really matters is LOVING. And tapping the source of unconditional infinite joy within. But I haven’t found it. And the path is rocky and slow and frustrating. And plus, I can’t seem to get rid of Ed! The root system of our love is so deep, it is fixed into the soils of galaxies and dimensions I can’t for the life of me even begin to remember or undo. And in the mean time, my heart continues to be flayed open in the agony of cruel circumstance.

Dan always said, “ALL WE HAVE IS THE MOMENT!” “It’s about the moment.” But honestly, my moments feel like over-salted, mixed nuts…

Six thirty am. Still dark. My window is cracked open and cool, fresh, forest-kissed air slithers in and whispers about my bare feet and thirsting nostrils. It just started to rain and the sloshy, wet music caresses hidden spots in the life of my soul. My lips are sorta dry. My breasts, swollen and sore. I’m feeling relieved that I was able to stake my claim in this sprawling expanse of dancing, finite infinity and pour some words upon the page.

I know I am where I belong. I know that I am deeply loved. I know that I love deeply. Know… But sometimes knowing doesn’t feel like enough. Sometimes the gap between knowing and KNOWING is too much to bear. But like YOU, I keep going. Because that’s all there is to do.

Om. Peace. Amen.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rob Spiegel
    Feb 18, 2014 @ 06:11:34

    Thanks for the post. Rich and swirling. The now just rushing through.


  2. Nayaswami Miriam Rodgers
    Feb 18, 2014 @ 07:13:35

    amazing, my precious princess….. I couldn’t in a million years be hurt by anything you say or do…. yours is a continual effort for a complete expression of Truth and, and all too often echoes my own thoughts and feelings.I’m so grateful for the sharing of the process, in all its wonder, deep suffering, and sweet, albeit sometimes bitter, joy…… loving you, all ways, miri


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