Time To Get Awesome!

Do you reckon Jesus relished wandering the desert for forty days (and forty nights)? Cuz I sure didn’t. But my field trip to the desert of the soul lasted WAAAY longer than a measly assed forty days! But I think the main difference between Big J and I is that He was in constant communication with You Know Who… and Little Mrs. Grace… well… sure, my soul is always chattin’ it up with All Pervading Hallelujah… but so often, it’s too noisy in here for me to hear the steady stream of Great News.

But allow me redirect this alpine stream of language, because I am veering away from my point, which is actually triumphant. I am not in the desert anymore! The rains have come, and flowers are bursting forth from the wet, slippery cracks. Suddenly, my inner vision is coming into increasingly lucid focus and I feel a sleek and fierce tigress rousing inside of me, who will kill in the name of Truth. No, dummy, not LITERALLY kill! Ahimsa!… Kill apathy and bullshit that keep me stuck and comfortable. More and more, everything seems possible. And I’ve gotta toss some heavy-handed credit to my Ma for this… because she has adopted a “do it NOW” policy, which completely obliterates complacency. And it has rubbed on me. Thanks mom!

I’m trying to retrace my steps… to see what happened… that brought me here… to this threshold of inspiration, passion and willingness… but I know that life is way too massive and unwieldy too be reduced to a set of strategically placed stepping stones across a surging river of Unknown. That said, I want to tell you that there IS something to be said for letting go, surrendering and hibernating. I felt afraid to stop producing. To take tons of naps and read books and meditate and practice yoga and “have nothing to show for my existence”. But nothing was welling up in me and creating a pressure that requires release through creative expression. And I want to share because I have something to say. Not merely because I’m too chicken to face the great emptiness inside me.

Do you want to remember what is true? Then look at nature. I watched fierce winds rip the dead, brown oak leaves from the trees and scatter them in droves upon hard packed earth and forest floor this autumn at Ananda. From my warm, safe nest, I watched, transfixed as the few remaining leaves trembled incessantly on their branches. That tremble… it spoke to me. Perhaps, because it mirrored my own inner tremble. The tremble of that which silently awaits inevitable surrender, demise, dissolution, regeneration.

Meanwhile, I began to lead sadhanas at Ananda. Sadhana = spiritual practice. This one consists of energization exercises, yoga postures, prayer and meditation. I’d say that was a turning point for me. Standing at the front of the room and enthusiastically guiding a practice, sharing all that I have gathered… I realize there are somethings in life, you can only know through DOING. Sure, I can feel the SEEDS of inspiration singing up from the dark soil of my soul… But they remain seeds until I am willing to risk; expose them to the light of day; step out to the edge of the abyss and share what silently demands to be shared in me. Good lord I have so much to share.

Another key element in the alchemy of my current flush of rebirth has been reading the book my amazing friend Kimber just wrote and published!!!! It’s called “Full”, and it’s about her alchemical, healing journey through anorexia, incessant hunger and self-loathing; learning to LOVE her body and honor her divine Self. God. I am truly amazed by her courage. This woman straight up EXPOSED HERSELF. In the places that most of us (understandably) hide out like wimps! In the places where shame abides and keeps us in the prison of “looking good” and “acting acceptable”. And she pulled it off with a profound lightness, which is sheer magic, given the “heavy” nature of the topics she was navigating. God… she is a good writer! Wise, witty, playful, articulate, raw. Not only did this book illuminate my own healing journey with my body and relationship with food (I was a compulsive eater in my late teens and early twenties… and doubted that I would EVER make peace this essential facet of my existence: food… but by the grace of God, I DID…), but I also experienced the POWER of one life, one voice, one journey~ shared in written word for the benefit of ALL. Her words made me feel more human; inspired to fully inhabit MY JOURNEY, and love it ALL. Especially the uncomfortable, confusing, “ugly”, weird, awkward bits, as they make me wise and strong and compassionate! And to offer every last drop of it up for the benefit of ALL. All that I am, all that I live… all that I know deep in my heart truly matters. If she can do it, so can I! (and so can you!!) And not only CAN I… I MUST.

Lately I’ve been contemplating the whole “be the change you want to see in the world” notion… because, while it is a truly powerful invitation… the real question is like, okay, WHEN? Tomorrow? Forty days and forty nights from now? No, sleepyheads! NOW. When you wake up in the morning, what moves you to get out of bed? How do you WISH others would behave and treat you and this exquisite planet on which we dance? Well… stop waiting for THEM…. and LEAD THE WAY. Slash an exquisite path for many to tread. Look around… tons of people are lazily waiting to be told the rules! And if you speak with conviction, they will believe you! So speak from your heart, and on behalf of the Heart of the World… and LET’S TAKE CHARGE of this wild and wondrous circus that is life on earth! What time is it? It’s time to get AWESOME. It’s time to stand for nothing less that TOTAL FORGIVENESS, and birth a world of peace, within and without.

Live,
A

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