The Eclipse of Forgiveness

Good lord, I’m so glad that vicious eclipse hath passed. I mean I’m into astrology… so I get all jazzed when I find out about the latest grand trine that’s gonna clear some serious karma, or the square that will bring old mother wounds to the surface or…

BUT THE ECLIPSE ON SUNDAY WAS A NATURAL DISASTER. There was zero ambiguity about the fact that the heavenly bodies were pressing me into a hot pocket of hell within my own being. It was like God On High was giving me the worlds fiercest indian burn and all I could do was cry out, “MERCY” and tolerate the intense sensation until HeSheIt let go of my red, smoldering arm.

It started on friday morning. Months ago, like maybe august?, Ed signed up for the Sterling Men’s Weekend, upon my vigilant… err… insistence. Back then, it seemed as though the first weekend in November would NEVER arrive. And then, like magic wrapped in a slippery, silken flag called time, it did. And as the date approached, I was a little girl awaiting christmas morning. Honestly, I don’t even know what they DO in those men’s weekends. It’s confidential. But I know that in our culture, rites of passage are MIA, and we suffer for it. And tons of rad men in my life have done it, and it’s no coincidence that they are the raddest. In this patriarchal society, the masculine has lost it’s heart. “Being a man”, has meant “you are not allowed to have feelings”… Fathers unconsciously pass this wound of confusion and closure on to their sons because they don’t know any better. And as a result, the planet is at war and we are raping our Mother (earth). And now, people are starting to be like, “Hey! This sucks. What else is available?” And we are discovering ways of restoring balance, respect and alliance between the masculine and the feminine, and returning to the way of LOVE.

So Eddie was ready to get down and dirty with his bad self, and do some serious healing and transformation, in this contemporary epic of life on earth…

The course started friday at noon. Ed texted me early in the morning, informing me that he and his wife had been going at it since 6am… and she forbid him from attending, because it was a cult, and he’d have to be crazy to pay to put himself through that. Ummmm… but wait… she’d known about it for months, too!!! And had been a yes the whole way. Until the day of…

Well actually, like milk, she had turned sour when she found out that the course didn’t start on saturday am, but friday at noon… and went till *hella late* on friday and saturday… Lord knows why, but she found that unacceptable, and went poking around on the website in search of anything that she could use as ammunition for her cause.

Jesus. I honestly don’t know if that’s *really* how it went… but I DO know, that she blocked him, the day of. And he came to me in distress. He could either be like, “well fuck you, I’m doing it, no matter what you say,” and turn his home into a war zone…, or he could bow down and heed her perplexing and unfair demand.

Ed and I discussed the situation at length…

After digesting all of the factors, I asked him if he wanted to know what I’d do if I were him. Yes, he did. I said, given that he is committed to his life with his wife and son right now, I would convey to his wife, with a wide open heart, that attending this weekend was something at I deeply desired to experience, and it meant a lot to me. But I would *not* do it without her blessing. I’d give her the reigns and let her make the ultimate call. BUT~ the caveat to this, is that if she said NO, I would COMPLETELY accept that, and hold not a shred of grievance. Vow NEVER to wave it in her face or use it as ammo in a fight.

He took my advice.

She said no.

I felt like I was kicked in the guts.

Yeah. I was pissed. I felt like that was such a nasty move on her part. THE DAY OF… Why did it upset me so much? For a few reasons… one, that I have been Ed’s sole source of support in the way of his transformation. Well… actually, he is now seeing a coach… but all that dude does is ask him deep, probing questions… Anyway, I was so fucking looking forward to handing him off to a community of men doing deep and powerful work… so I wouldn’t have to work so hard!… Plus, there’s stuff that MEN can give each other that women simply can’t. And the same for women and women…

Plus, I was having an experience of utter powerlessness, and it sucked ass. Probably the same experience of powerlessness that SHE had, which compelled her to behave as she did. (Wow. I just came close to name calling!!! Phew, close shave… I guess I still have some forgiving to do… GOD!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!)

Forgiveness. That’s the theme of this blog entry. And surrender, too. Cuz listen. I was PISSED like I rarely am. Pissed like I couldn’t see straight and I wanted to hate that woman. Not familiar territory to me. At least not on the surface of my consciousness. I didn’t even have access to the compassionate, loving, generous, forgiving part of me.

I gave myself the rest of the day on friday to be angry “at her”. I was so deeply disappointed. And flailing in the question of what the fuck am I entangled in??? A triangular prison, and slowly bleeding to death…

But I kept praying to God to help me see a miracle in place of this grievance. Help me be willing to give this up. And let go of “my view point”. God. Being self-important is so perpetually tempting. And destructive.

Saturday morning, I awoke from a dream that I was pregnant, and felt that I had to have an abortion. My heart felt crushed. I was still unwilling to let go. But at least I was awake enough to keep on praying. Another day of fire coursing through my veins and ache beating my heart. Sunday, the actual day of the eclipse, WORSE. And keep in mind that Ed was far off in his parallel universe, with the family, so our contact was minimal, which added to the fire and water that was wrecking my heart. But I kept on praying.

And then moonday came. And by the Grace of God, I became bathed in the understanding that put my heart to rest. I will never get to walk directly in his wife’s moccasins, so I can’t say FOR SURE… but I can imagine that she might feel like her whole life has been torn down. Without a choice. Talk about a loss of power and control. And then to send Ed into a deeply transformational environment, on top of all that… At an intuitive level, I bet she could feel that he’d come out on the other side changed. EVEN MORE. And how would THAT impact her??? Who knows. She was vying for a shred of (illusory) power and control. And she got it. And given the circumstances, I guess she needed that. (and heck, I might have done the same thing, in her position…)

Once upon a time, some french dude said, “To understand is to forgive.” And somebody thought it was a brilliant enough statement to record and pass down through the annals of history. I can see why. In my own experience, understanding has always been a precursor to forgiveness and compassion.

But in this scenario, as in all life, there is also the element of MYSTERY. The recognition and reverence for the immensity of this picture of existence… and the fact that I will never fully know, or understand WHY life happens the way it does. I just won’t. And I don’t need to. That’s God’s job. My job is only to TRUST. Surrender. Forgive. LOVE.

I’m doing my BEST at this. For it is all I can do, in the face of this confounding tapestry of human dream of life on earth. Inhale. Exxxxxhaaaale.

Like I said, I still have some work left to do in the way of forgiveness. But I have come a long way in the last few days. And I love myself so much for choosing to let life be an arena of continuous practice in the way of unlimited and unconditional loving. What else is there to do in this smoke and mirrored circus?


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Moses Rune
    Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:22:57

    I love the way you write!


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