Superconsciousness And Loving My Mom

I think I’ll write about how much I love my mom. Because everything else that is rushing through my mind is making my heart clench. I don’t know why… I mean, everything that is on my mind is awesome… if you boil it all down. I have been breaking a sweat since I started my Spiritual Counseling class here at the Momshram. It seems simple enough, right? You go to class, they dispense information, you stay awake and take good notes, go home and get on with your life… NOPE. As it turns out, being a spiritual counselor requires abiding in a superconscious state, which then lifts the counselee into alignment with their own innate wisdom. So, yeah, they taught us tools… but none of those tools are worth a damn if I am abiding in my small, separate self.

Superconsciousness is God-mind. Unity consciousness. The sphere where reality is not relative. I am you, and you are me, and we are seemingly individuated drops dissolved in the infinite ocean of love. That’s awesome, right? Like why on earth would my heart be clenched? Well… my best guess is because all of the ideas about myself and life that are rooted in my small, separate self are on the brink of death and they don’t appreciate that. And I have believed for so long, that that is who I am and I don’t want to die!! But really, I DO. I want to be free. I want to remember myself as the Ocean.

The last thing I’ll say about this, before I start gushing about my superlative mother, is that being a spiritual counselor is not something you do for an hour, and then fall back into darkness, separation, delusion. No! It requires vigilant practice!! In every new moment, we have a fresh choice (no, not the restaurant, dummy!)… to be identified with our limitations, fears, judgments… or to lift our consciousness up into heaven within. Like Jesus said, “Let thine eye be single, and thy whole body shall be full of light.” He’s talking about the third (spiritual) eye; the point between your eyebrows; your sixth chakra. Through practicing inhabiting this sacred center all week, I realize that I can not live there AND live in my head, in the past, in my deluded hopes…

Superconsciousness is a gentle home. It makes no demands. And being an inward ambassador of eternity, naturally, it speaks in a tenderized whisper. When it speaks. Often it doesn’t say anything at all. The Self is ever content, ever peaceful, ever free. So you can see how easily it can be drowned out by the relentless, dramatic antics of the ego.

To be a spiritual counselor, is to LIVE in spiritual practice. But thankfully, not spiritual perfect! God, if that was the case, we’d all be screwed. But everyone can practice! I guess at a soul level, we all ARE practicing. Hmmm… Sometimes that sure doesn’t SEEM like the case. Most of us seem to be clutching dam hard at the fringes of oblivion. But heck, I’m not gonna go there. Sri Yukteswar said to leave some mysteries for when we’re Self Realized. I think because on the spiritual path, simplicity and practicality go a long way. For example, I keep reminding myself to pause and lift my inward gaze to the point between my eyebrows- simple, yet potent… Like, really, what else IS there to do, beyond being willing to relinquish all that *seems* so compelling, and simply be awake. Gosh, it seems so easy. And it IS. For a fleeting moment. Until I get swept away in the rapids of my untrained and flailing mind.

But anyway, MY MOM IS AWESOME! It’s been exquisite to be on this leg of my journey… and get to spend so much time with her. I mean, dig this: we share a bedroom (with matching german fairytale single beds)! Yes, for six weeks over the summer, then a two week break, and now another two weeks and counting, we have been living together in hella intimate quarters. Every day, I feel amazed and grateful that this brings us closer, when it could so *conceivably* drive us further apart. You know… by being way too up in each other’s shit. But we’re so harmonious! She doesn’t get jalepeno my business, nor do I get all up in hers. But we both enjoy coming together for little segments of the day and sharing conversation, life and laughter (and sometimes I cry too). I bet if you drew some of each of our blood and looked at it under a powerful microscope, you’d see the same sense of humor splashing about in both sanguinary samples. We can laugh together in a way that is unique to us; like being the only two members of a highly exclusive and totally fabulous club.

I have also opted to be transparent with her in regards to my emotionally sprawling journey with Ed (whom I am still epically in love with and devoted to). This has been a conscious choice on my part, and has had me totter at the terrifying edge of my vulnerability again and again and again. I face my fears of being misunderstood or judged. And yet I keep choosing to expose my heart and my life to her. Every time, I am met with unconditional love. Not that she doesn’t have judgements. She might. But she does not make them the most important thing. She listens to my heart. And asks questions when she doesn’t understand. And the miracle of it, is that so many times, I have shared with her the places where Ed and I get stuck and are struggling to “see eye to eye”, and Beloved Sumitra is able to recognize an convey how Ed might be feeling/perceiving reality… and where I have NOT been able to hear HIM, I can suddenly hear him through her!!! And when I refer to this as a miracle, I mean it. (Though really, I believe EVERYTHING is a miracle… but let’s not go tumble up that ecstatic rabbit hole right now.)

I often reflect on how amazing it is to be on a spiritual journey with my Ma. Like, how many people GET THAT boon? She is such a great friend, ally, human being. If she was someone ELSE’S mom, I’d be so jealous of them!!! I even love the ways that she “messed up” raising me. Because I have the opportunity to choose forgiveness, and only see her for the love she gives and the love she IS. And likewise with the ways her “mess-ups” impacted me. Again, I have the choice to hold myself with unbounded compassion and perfect faith in the intelligence of the divine wisdom that is unfolding me with every breath.

As a child, my mom always let me eat whatever I wanted off her plate. I see this as a metaphor that extends way beyond the act itself. Jeesh, I would have a much harder time sharing my food… even with someone I love entirely. MY FOOD. Dumb, I know… But deeper than that, it’s the energetics of the gesture. Genuinely selfless giving. From pure love. She gives like this to many in a multiplicity of ways, every day. I have learned so much from her. She has learned so much from me. And we continue to raise each other up in the Light. We always will.

Sometimes I like to think about how one day, she will leave this earth. And how much I will miss her. This makes me savor every second we are blessed to share. Or maybe every tenth second… Because sometimes I fall asleep. But I am practicing waking up more and more. It takes vigilance. But it’s worth it.

Live,
A

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