Self As World= It’s Time To Get Real

I am feeling especially terrified to commit anything to the page today.  It’s that tired old fear of not being good enough;  not doing it “right”.  This morning, I feel sorta quiet, and it seems like my genius might be snoozzzzing.  Is that why I write?  Just so you’ll read it, and then tell me, “Oh, Athena, you are SO brilliant, and what you wrote really made a difference for me!  I feel more relaxed and at home in my own body and heart, as well as in the world!”


Wow!  If you told me that, I would feel so well spent!  Oooh!  I think I’ve stumbled on a genuinely inspired topic: OUR HUMAN FAMILY.


Honestly, it really DOES baffle me, how we can look anyone else in the eyes and NOT recognize them as a sister or a brother.  We’ve drawn all these arbitrary lines all over the place, and shoved each other in constraining little falsely divisive boxes… for WHAT?  So we can feel “good enough”??  Come on, people, it’s time to get real.


I was talking with my friend Damien at the soulstice party I went to this weekend, and he shared a beautifully profound, yet entirely obvious concept that he’s been developing over the last four years.  It’s this idea that we all have an “inner body” and an “outer body”.  The inner body is everything inside our skin; what most of us identify as “ourself”.  Our outer body, according to his model, is ALSO ourself:  it is everything that exists outside of our skin.  Yes, this encompasses the entire world and BEYOND.  Up until now, we’ve mostly been identified and concerned with a notion of self limited to our inner bodies.


But listen~  as of this very moment, the moment your eyes are gobbling up these words like a hungry pac man, that old paradigm is officially OVER.  Welcome to a freshly birthed paradigm, where we are truly awake to, and joyously responsible for our oneness!!!!  It’s about time, right?


Gosh, I’m sitting here at the wooden booth in Pizzaiolo, and my eyes are curiously roaming about “my body”… My OUTER body… and I’m realizing that I am not as healthy as I’d like to be.  Not to criticize the world “out there”… I also do see plenty of plump, juicy goodness and vitality.   I see a lot of kindness, care, creativity and generosity.  Oh YES!!!


And yet… I have some serious work to do, to get myself into the shape I know I’m capable of.  God, can you IMAGINE?!?!  Existing in a world where we all treated one another as an essential part of our very own BODY?  Everyone would have everyone else’s back.


And now for a word from our sponsor~  I think it would be so boring to write a book.  Like most people do, anywayz.  Like to choose ONE topic and then beat it to death with a wild, spicy noodle.  Ahhhhhhhh.  (insert icon of “The Scream” here _________)  Never say never, Athena Grace, but I WILL say that sounds like an unnecessary buzz kill.  Everybody, look at ME!!, I’m a fucking “EXPERT”.  Listen to me, I know what I’m talking about.  I earned my LMNOP at the School of Mostly Soft Knocks.  See?  I have an impressive piece of paper caged and beaming at you from my hella white wall, just to prove it.


Okay.  I’m done with my rant.   It’s just that I got up to go to the bathroom, and I realized that I was so bored… trying to organize a whole blog around reminding you of the truth of our oneness.  I felt like a mountain that longed to be an ocean!  I wondered myself straight out of the constricting veal calf pen I had crammed myself in… Could I really just swing a hard left and floor it?  Or would that make me a “less good writer”?


And then I realized that I am the commander in chief of Athena Graceland, and I can do whatever I want!!!  Leave staying on topic to all the SUCKAS who are chained to the compulsion to “do it right”.  Personally, I like to ENJOY myself here on the page.  Yep, in Athena Graceland, pleasure trumps congruency for the sake of sounding “credible”.  Come on people, this world is so expansive.  Stretch out!  Make yourselves comfortable.


In other news, Ed is at “The Cabin” with his wife, his fifteen year old son, and his son’s two mates (that was a little mini vacay to Jolly Olde).   For a moment, I felt traumatized that he was gonna be gone for some of my final days before I depart for a rigorous summer of learning at the Momshram… but… I’ve since relaxed into the ISness of it all.  And though this has been an exquisite, expansive, educational and loving chapter in the novel of my life, I must say, I am glad it’s coming to an end.  Does that sound vague?  What am I referring to when I say “it”?  Mostly my semi-secret, day-time love affair with my married police man boyfriend… but now that I think of it, I truly can’t separate that out from the entire structure of this culminating iteration of my existence.  It has been so incredibly rich and beautiful.    But it now must die.  Die to a new, tender skin of deepening integrity, sacred service and focused intent.


Anyway, I wanted to share with you this slow burning curiosity I feel when I imagine into Ed’s day to day reality at home.  What is it like to co-habitate with  one from whom you keep so many secrets?  Someone you are resigned to ever being fully open with, or forgiven by… What do you talk about in a packed car on the way to “The Cabin”?  I will never understand.  Nor will I ever cease to burn with inflamed curiosity.  Thinking about it too hard makes my heart ache.  Oh shit!  Their limping, bleeding, crippled relationship is MY OUTER BODY.  Owwww.  My heart hurts allofasudden.  How do I heal this aspect of myself?  Maybe by being unwilling to continue being an accomplice in a lopsided and cruel love triangle?…  Inhale.  Exhaaaaaaaale.  (Beloved Melanie says life requires a TON of deep breaths.  She’s totally right.)


Ed… I know you’re reading this.  God… I hope you know that I’m sharing all of this in service of exploring my own heart and understanding of my place in the universe.  I know you are doing your best.  And I pray that you continue to evolve “your best”, as you have been, at warp speed, since I’ve known you!!!  God, I’d love to see you break through the inertia of your habits and be so honest with T.  As lovingly committed to unfiltered communication as you are with ME.  And *committed* to miraculous healing of your relationship with her.  It IS possible for you both to come to a place of pure gratitude for the entirety of your journey together, thus far.  Boner.


God?  Who must I BE to ensure this outcome?   Please show me…




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: