Longing for Motherhood

I’m realizing it’s one thing to BE BRILLIANT.  I’ve got that market cornered.  (Yeah, no false humility here.  I don’t see the point.) But it’s a whole nother thing to ORGANIZE my brilliance into cohesive paragraphs on a glowing two dimensional netherworld.  I swear~ lately I’ve been amazed at the wicked insights that slice through my mind and gursh out into otherwise ordinary renditions of nowness.  Well… hopefully some will sneak out when I’m not looking.  In the meantime, I’m just gonna talk about whatever I fancy.


I fancy to share with you how deeply I desire to have a baby.  Honestly, I used to puke in my mouth when I was around women whose “biological clocks were ticking”.  I’d be thinking, “Seriously, babe…take a chill pill.  You’ve got a lot of life to love…”  But I guess that’s how life works~ I inevitably seem to live out all of the things I have judged others for.


DO ALL WOMEN FEEL THIS WAY?  I’m thinking that a lot of us do… at least for a certain span of our gracious goddess unfurling… this gorgeous, all-consuming, full bodied, full hearted desire is what has proliferated our species thus far.  It feels so entirely feminine.  Logic has no place here.  It’s like this fragrance that floods every drop of me, before I have a chance to have any say in the matter.  And it feels so beautiful, that why would I even want to?  It’s like being filled to bursting with the essence of springtime.  Fertility, newness, vibrancy, pulsation.  The image of a prism is surfacing in my mind.  Lucid, crystalline potentiality.  It holds the secret seeds of brilliant rainbows… resting peacefully until she penetrated by fierce tendrils of light.


Yes, Geoffrey, you told me so!!!  Geoffrey is one of my readers.  And he’s always nudged me in the direction of marriage and family… and I thought “Zzzzzz that’s so cookie cutter.  I’m a maverick.  Not a fucking housewife!”  But now that I think about it, being a conscious parent might be the most maverick path of them all!  Giving a little bodhisattva soul room to hit the ground running and shine on this world without dimming her light by according to bullshit social standards.  I know, that’s vague and idealistic.  And there are so many influences in a child’s life besides their immediate family.  We each take the shape of the world around us, blending perfectly with our surroundings, woven seamlessly into the tapestry of Life.


But I digress.  My heart aches, and my body yearns to give life.  And yet… I’m not in a position to do so right now.  Boo hoo.  I think if I let myself, I could cry a dribbling river about this.  It’s frustrating.  My Beloved Edward is already married, and occupied with the task of raising his fifteen year old son… and I am behaving more like a free-falling gypsy star, than a grounded mama goddess.  Here I am, uprooting again, to go on yet another spirit quest… Sigh…  But honestly, the secret prayer in my heart is that this next chapter of growth and empowerment shall serve as an essential step on the path that leads me closer to motherhood.  To stability, grounding and a deep, generous maturity that will carve and shape me into the best mother I can be.  God makes no mistakes.


I guess I have no choice but to marinate in this consuming, focused ache until God gives me the green light.  Yes, I know that becoming a mother is NOT going to make me anymore complete and joyous than I am RIGHT NOW.  It will only make my life more challenging and strenuous (and RICH)…  I try to remind myself of this as I am given in total longing.  But the longing doesn’t seem to care for practical considerations and conceptual wisdoms.


And what about that whole new-skool paradigm of how a woman should make something of herself in the world first, and THEN have babies… so she’s doesn’t make her children her entire life and suffocate them in overbearing “love” and then turn bitter when it’s all said and done, because she’s old and used up and clueless about who she is?  Shrug.  I guess it makes sense.  But since when is boiling life down to rudimentary cliches the ultimate in joy, fulfillment and spiritual wealth?  It’s not.


Hmmm…. I don’t feel like writing anymore.  I just felt to get naked and expose my heart’s *deepest* longing.  For some reason, admitting  my lust for motherhood feels embarrassing.  Maybe because it clashes with the identity I’ve built for myself.  Being a wife and mother seems so bland compared to being a writer, a leader, a teacher, a minister, an artist, a muse…


But jesus.  I am vast enough to be all of me and still be a mother.  Interesting, this writing is revealing some deep-seated beliefs and bullshit social programming.  Cool!  I bet conscious mothers encounter tons of that.  Like that moms aren’t supposed to be sexual anymore, for example.  (Is that because of the whole silly virgin mary archetype?  Not only is she totally OVER sex, she never even loved it in the first place!… Psssshh, gimme a break!).  And if they have moments of feeling trapped and wondering what the fuck they were thinking when they decided to give themselves over to twenty-four-seven service to an incessantly dependent little leach, then there is something WRONG with them.  Dream ON, ladies!!!!! That sounds like the most natural thing in the world.  But… to widen ourselves and give, even when we are sure we are spent to the last drop… now THAT’S what I call *real* spiritual practice.


Okay.  I’m done.  But first, I offer my entire life and self and heart to God.  God, I know you know every circumstance and subtle nuance of my heart and life.  Please continue to illuminate, open and bless my Becoming.  I am yours.  Make me a purified channel for your Endless Love.




2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Geoffrey
    Jun 21, 2013 @ 12:02:28

    I am thrilled that my ramblings have been digested as nudges. As a parent and grandparent I have the advantage of hindsight: it is my experience that parenting brings profound joys and satisfactions that transcend the moment-by-moment chores and seemingly infinite inconveniences. Yes, the cycle of life is a mystery, but it does turn and waits for no (wo)man. So feeling emboldened to offer some more nudges: motherhood offers the ultimate channel for love and fallibility is indeed not God’s realm but (wo)man’s.
    with love


  2. tamaragerlach
    Jun 22, 2013 @ 04:34:16

    Love this! Thank you =)   “As my outside ages, my intention is to become stunningly beautiful on the inside.” ~ Cultivating Radiance

    Tamara Gerlach.com   (925) 864-2093 Get Cultivating Radiance on Amazon

    Listen to Radiant Living Radio Join me on Facebook! Follow me on Twitter



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