Entering the Fire in my Heart

If I had one wish… it would be to be a pure, living embodiment of Truth/Love.  Come to think of it, I musta already tossed that coin into the ravenous, slobbering mouth of the world’s deepest and most unapologetic wishing well.  But mostly, I have lived in a state of pathetic though sweet amnesia.  Beautiful and Beloved Lord Krishna, please take my hand and lead me swiftly to the glorious day when I am entirely willing to release ALL paltry, conflicting wishes, that I may dance naked in the grace of Self Realization.

 

The goddess Kali.  Most people want to tiptoe by this fierce embodiment of Divine Mother, who dons a garland of bloody skulls, a skirt of human arms, and dances upon the corpse of Shiva.  I don’t freaking blame them.  I mean can’t we just skip over the whole creative destruction facet of this game of life?  Well the answer is no, so I might as well get right with the fact that she is storming the gates of my safe and comfy little world of delusion right now and thrashing and slashing all my treasured nothing ness into a thin, snaily wake of shimmering dream shine.

 

Holding on only causes unnecessary suffering.  But it seems that unfortunately, letting go is not something I do but one noble time and then am free.  It is a moment to moment discipline.  A rigorous strength training… which is ironic, of course… because how in God’s magnificent name can it take strength to hold on to nothing??  Well, I suppose that “nothing”, is truly the heaviest burden to carry!  It is fully releasing nothing, that is the goal to which my heart aspires.  And dog bless america, if life isn’t so lovingly and generously giving me the opportunity to let go and let go and let go some mo.  At first glance, my circumstances seem “undesirable”.  But this is only because once upon a time, I subscribed to a thought system built on a foundation of smoke, mirrors and the illusion of separation.

 

If only I allowed the heirloom quilt of cobwebs and thick, greasy smear to be wiped from my eyes, Love would be entirely free to look through me.  I’m trying.  I really am.  And now, I’m leaning into you, my smiling eyes burning into yours in a moment thick with candid intimacy, as I confess that it is *REALLY* helping me to write this all down today!!!  It’s like sorting through the rubble of my habits of mind, to discover and claim the heavy, pure gold nuggets, gleaming within the ugly, chaotic mess.

 

Lately I have been wishing too often that I was living a different life; comparing myself to those who *SEEM* have it easy, who *SEEM* not to be struggling.  Wishing I was a fucking soccer mom from Danville (not really, but who am I to pass up an opportunity to luxuriate in benign dramatism?!).  Fuck that!!  I’m Athena Grace LMNOP, a fierce, unrelenting Truth Seeker, whose heart is carved deep with ache to serve this world and reveal LOVE where once was a veil of darkness.

 

Do you think that a lump of lead is super jazzed to be hurled into  the scalding cauldron that will consume its valueless essence in the sacred fires of purification, that it may become a glowing, golden puddle of divine perfection?  Ha!  I guess lead doesn’t give a shit.  But what I am driving at, is that I really want to be not only a “good sport”, but the BEST sport, as I come undone.  Because… POP QUIZ!!!  Complete the following statement:

 

Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing _________________.

 

How’d you do????

 

 

 

Well, if you said, “Nothing UNREAL EXISTS,”…  YOU WIN!!!!

What do you win???  You win a the only prize with any REAL VALUE:  your consciousness has come a step closer to the Realization of and reabsorption AS Truth!!!!  Sweet, huh?!

 

And now, ladies and occasionally-gentle-men, let us take a mini vacation from realms abstract and conceptual, to the gross, explicit and concrete!  I am going to give thirty day notice tomorrow and move out of my GORGEOUS, light, spacious apartment nestled on beautiful, urban Lake Merritt. Why?  Because I’m sick of fretting as the end of each month nears, and I am figuratively sweating salty, toxic drops of worry as to whether I will be able to pay the rent on time, while meanwhile, I am stagnating in a well-worn rut of low level soul boredom, vague purposelessness and stagnation.  Something INSIDE is calling up to me from way deep down in that aforementioned wishing well, which is nowhere but within my very own bottomless Being.  It’s a classic case of Heroine’s Journey.  I am answering the incessant, screaming whisper within my heart, which some would mildly describe as “the call”.  Shrug.

 

And then there’s my Beloved Edward.  Every day my heart sears on Reality’s scorching grill as I sit in the discomfort of not having him how I imagine I want him.  And every day, I have a choice:  I can surrender to what IS, or I can suffer as I fixate on the unsurmountable, seeming gap between what I yearn for, and what is so.  But A Course in Miracles reminds me every day, that peace and happiness are NOT found in illusory projections of future.  They are HERE, NOW, ALWAYS, because of what I AM.  Because of what YOU ARE.  We are infinite, indestructible, all pervading LOVE.  Right fucking NOW.  And there really is nothing else.  But we believe there is… because we can.  And for this we suffer.

 

But I’m gonna find IT.  Because I already AM IT.  All I must do is be willing to relinquish the illusions I once cherished.

 

“The teachers of God have trust in the world, because they have learned it is not governed by the laws the world made up.  It is governed by a Power That is in them but not of them.  It is this Power That keeps all things safe.  It is through this Power that the teachers of God look on a forgiven world.  When this Power has once been experienced, it is impossible to trust one’s own petty strength again.  Who would attempt to fly with the tiny wings of a sparrow when the mighty power of an eagle has been given him?  And who would place his faith in the shabby offerings of the ego when the gifts of God are laid before him?” (from A Course in Miracles)

 

Today, I pray that I may open my wings and fly as the Divine Eagle I am, in Truth.  And in doing so, it is inevitable that you too shall Remember.  Because, duh, we are One.

 

Live,

A

 

 

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. dara
    May 31, 2013 @ 10:23:39

    And where will the Heroine’s Journey take you in 30 days?? Wishing you ease on your path.

    Reply

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