Today Grace Feels Like This

Wow.  Amazing Grace is certainly the Word, here in Athena Graceland this am.  I swear, I was dangling over the edge of a steep, plunging, psycho-emotional crevasse…


And then I went on Facebook real quick, just for one last fling with frivolous distraction before I hunkered down on the page here in Graceland… and the BEST thing happened!  There was some silly post where you can discover your cell phone’s name, by entering some weird code involving the last three digits of your phone number… And I found out that mine is Mark Lurie.  And better yet, Ed’s is Ben Soskin!!!!  It doesn’t take much to crack me and let the light in.  Praise God.


But I still feel plenty of anxiety in my body.  Wait… do I really?  When I tune in to my body as it truly is, in present time, it’s actually a pretty subtle experience.  What AM I feeling?  Slightly nauseous… a radiant, dull ache in my womb… a spacious, open, yet somehow uneasy feeling in the front of my heart, which extends out beyond the immediacy of my physical body.  My hips and legs want to stretch and open.


The sky is dull and grey.  I am sitting the cafe down the street from my house.  I never come here, because the ceilings are low and cheap like the kind I remember from my torturous years in the public school system… except they are painted brown.  Hardly anybody is in here and it smells like cheap, expired junk food.  There’s a chubby hispanic man outside scraping plasticy film off the window with a squeegee.  I’m sitting on a dingy loveseat, with my feet up on a little coffee table.


Just writing about the distasteful environment somehow transforms it from repulsive to amusing.  And then I remember to take deep breaths… and everything sorta feels okay… and even good.  In my ideal world, I would NOT let stuff get to me.  Because when I’m hosting fear, I am not available to love the world, and this feels shitty and inauthentic.  Because I feel that I am here to be a source of warmth and genuine kindness.  But sometimes I forget to trust God and my face gets rigid and serious and my heart, tense.  Anthony Robbins says to always smile before you answer the phone, and joy will be conveyed in your voice.  So I just smiled, to see what would happen.  And my eyes stung with tears.  How many times must Grace carry me, before I realize once and for all, that I am NEVER NOT HELD???


That [heavily pertinent] question reminds me of the sweetest moment that I lived last tuesday.  Ed and I were shopping at Trader Joe’s.  I was riding in the shopping cart… and he wanted to go grab me some peonies for me… but he was concerned… “How will you move, when the line progresses?”


“BY THE GRACE OF GOD!” I said without hesitation.  So off he went.  And soon the line took a huge leap forward.  The beautiful, athletic, latina woman in front of me turned around, maternally took hold of the front of my cart and slid me forward.  Just like that.  I melted.  I love participating in a world where we all take care of each other.   Without reason.  Just because we remember we are all connected and truly in this together.  I probably don’t need to bother recounting the moral of that story.


I’m afraid to die.  My mom’s not.  At least she says she’s not… Because she has complete faith in the life of her Divine Soul.  Maybe it’s that I’m afraid to LIVE, not die… I dunno.  But I am present to a fundamental feeling of fear right now.  And I just want to have a good cry about it.  (I’m about to start bleeding btw… so everything feels amplified and just barely tolerable.)


It’s been exactly a week since I last turned myself inside out on the page for you.  I deemed my life to be a porcelain puzzle cast from the top of the statue of liberty.  And now, a week later, I am back in love with Ed, praise the lord, because I prefer being in love with him, to being in fear with him… and yet, I am still a porcelain puzzle, free falling from the spiked crown of that great lady, who rises from the sea…


DO YOU FEEL IT?  All this rapid transformation that is sweeping through our endearingly human, earthly midst?  Shit.  Awe… My eyes just wandered upon an elderly man crossing the street with a cane.  He looks wobbly and erratic on his feet.  Yet he keeps stepping forward.  Slow.  Willing.  Humble.  It’s almost too much for my heart to bear right now.  And then came the mystic sprinkle sound of a text coming through on my phone, “Mark Lurie” (Tee hee).  It was from Ed.  He sent me a picture of him when he was a little boy, sitting on a very old and very white Santa Clause’s lap!!!  Same intense and loving brown eyes… but he’s tiny and his face is round and his blue jeans are tucked into black cowboy boots.  I laughed out loud.


Life.  What does it all add up to?  Certainly not what we THINK it does.  No matter WHAT equation you choose let gnaw on your soul, the answer is infallibly LOVE.


One of my favorite sections in A Course in Miracles talks about the attributes of a teacher of God.  The first one is Trust.  Trust, meaning a complete surrender to God/Love, and a relinquishing of all other goals and agendas rooted in, and inservice to illusion.  I read this section whenever my life feels particularly undone, and I need to remember due north on my heart’s compass.  Like now, for example.  Wait, is the record of my life stuck on the grossly unsettling groove of my saturn return????  Here I am, with the fundamental structures of my life crumbling once again: home, work, relationship…. Really???  Did I fail the tests the first time around???


Hey, Athena… No fair slipping into VICTIM!!!!  Citizens arrest!!!!  Remember beloved Goddess, **Nothing real can be threatened.  Nothing UNreal exists.** It’s okay.  Just breathe.  Feel.  Let go.  Yes.  Be willing to relinquish everything, trusting that what is real and pure can never be lost or destroyed.  Really?  Yes.  Okay.  I’m just gonna shed a few tears and keep trusting.




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