Athena: The Return

Yesterday, this woman who sees energy told me that *sparks* fly from my hands when I gesture.  She said she’s never seen so much energy in someones hands.  That explains why my writing can be so full of effulgent passion.

 

I’m slumped on the couch and I feel like I’m gonna explode.  My belly feels tight.  Oh, there, I relaxed it.  Now it doesn’t feel AS tight.  Have you ever seen a herd of wild horses thundering across the plains?  I bet you can HEAR them, FEEL them… way before you see them.  Well, I’ve never seen any.  But I am feeling them inside me RIGHT NOW.  Galloping across the mapless territory of my inner life.  So much breathing electricity ripping through me…

 

And yet… I don’t know what to do with it.  I’m at a turning point.  But *which* way do I turn?  Mapless, member?  Last week, before I started bleeding, I was pretty pissed that I signed up for this whizz thru the milky way on spaceship earth.  But this week, I’m delighting in a homeopathic splash of acceptance.  God, what am I talking about?  I just took a massive inhale, and on the exhale, I roared like a lioness.  No, not a tigress, a LIONESS.  I saw her as she spoke through  me.

 

Because like, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?????

 

Living.  Loving.  Making messes.  Cleaning them up.  Making messes…

 

Last thursday, Ed and I decided to stop seeing each other.  I cried my guts out and my eyes into red, puffy slits.  Then I took pictures of us all wrecked and posted them on Facebook!  Because WHO DOES THAT?  Nobody!  Why?  Because we want to look “good” and “pretty” and “desirable” all the freakin time.  Just like Kate Moss and Naomi what’s-her-name and Pamela Anderson or insert your favorite flesh-encased barbie doll here ____________.  Mmmmm, I  know!  Penelope Cruz is the hottest to me.  But I digress and confess- not no mo’, yo’… trust me when I tell you, authentic and whole is the new sexy.  Yes.  And you know what ELSE is the new sexy?  Wildly jiggling your woman ness, just for the pleasure and bottomless GLORY of it.  I do it on the dance floor.  Often.  If you are a woman, and you are reading this, you are *required* to try it.  It feels so wonderful!  So energizing and alive.  And satisfying not to feel like my body is supposed to be all hard and flat and managed.

 

Okay, you got me, I was avoiding the Ed thread.  Because I know if I actually follow through and click the “publish” button, he’ll read this and maybe his feelings will be hurt and then he’ll withdraw or lash out or even just suffer.  And I’ll feel everything he’s feeling.  And it’ll suck.  And maybe he won’t shoot work pictures of me on wednesday.  Yes, just to be clear, I DID just say that we chose to stop seeing each other last week.  But I desperately need new work photos.  And I feel so open and comfortable with him… and he has a wicked knack for capturing my flag.  No, my beauty is what I meant to say.  But capture the flag, GET IT?!  I know… stupid.  But I am amused.  And in Mazlow, or Pavlov, or whoEVER it is that has the hierarchy of needs, MY AMUSEMENT is at the pointy, solid-gold, lotus-shaped steeple on top.  At least within the stunning, glittery gates of Athena Graceland.

 

Ugh.  So much for amusement.  Ed just sent me a venom-filled text.  All his pain amplified by a magnifying glass and the blazing, high noon, desert sun.  IT’S NOT MINE.  That’s hard to remember in the face of love.  At least for me.  Because it is my nature to merge.  But it’s not mine.  And I’d rather be using all that energy that it takes to EXPLAIN MYSELF and SHINE ON THE WORLD.

 

Does that mean I’m DONE?

 

Yes.  And no.  I am still open to the possibility that we can use this time apart to grow ourselves… and find one another in a relatively near fold of time and space, in which we will join in divinely ordained and joyful communion.  But yes, I am done channeling so much of myself into this less than ideal expression of our Relationship.  Kali.  She destroys in service of new life.  Rebirth.

 

I saw this guy Charlie the other day and he was like, “howz it goin’, Athena?” And I said, “life’s been HARD…”  And he was all (Yes, recently I have given myself permission to fully EMBRACE my inner valley girl.  As a writer, I feel heavily liberated when I shatter and smash the tidy rules of anal retentive english and creative writing teachers and heavily processed, pre-packaged educational systems.  This is MY world and I am innately BRILLIANT, so I don’t need to waste my time trying to “act like it”.  Ya dig?)… anyway, where WAS I?  Oh yeah, he was all life is ALWAYS hard.  And if it’s not, I seek challenge.  It brings out my best.”

 

I took his words to heart, and gave myself an on the spot attitude adjustment.  Because I realized that when I’m a fat, comfortable WORM, I don’t grow.  And I want to grow.  I want to be the RADDEST me possible.  But that comes at a cost.  I’ve gotta sweat and bleed and cry a bunch.

 

Hmmmm… I didn’t really expound on the details with Ed.  But frankly, it’s none of your business!  And just for the record, I laughed out loud as I wrote that.  And for those of you who have no clue as to my esoteric and erratic sense of humor, I’ll spell out the punchline- it was funny because… oh it’s hard to explain.  Mostly because I didn’t mean the none of your business part, but I got a sassy bang out of saying it.  The truth is, I might talk about it later.  Just not now.  But I promised my esteemed handful of loyal fans that I’d keep showing up on the page and setting myself mostly free, no matter what.  Even if all that comes out is a meager and shriveled seven sentences.

 

So here ya go.  A thin crust slice of me.  Heavy on the sauce.  Zesty sauce.  And I’m spent.

 

Live,

A

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Toni hartman
    Nov 24, 2016 @ 01:30:46

    Athena, no reply from you haunts me , as if i’m a crazy weirdo… My innerself knows better. I am not a talented writer and my words do not hit the core … But unfortunately, i laugh at myself as uf I may be on a planet all alone… I LOST MY SISTER … MY OTHER HALF. … She decided to love a thousand lifetimes… She left me…SHE LEFT ME!!!!! It has only been a few months but it’s an eternity…. I also broke it off with my love recently.. And my grief is beyond the stars…. My daughters is all I live for!!!! All i want is to be a haven of inspiration. . I want to be a sparkle of confusion they understand… !!!# TO RAISE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS WHO LEAD PASSIONATE LIVES… I cant help but feeling flaud and unworthy of there grace..

    Reply

    • Athena Grace
      Nov 24, 2016 @ 03:52:45

      Oh Love… I am here. The only reason I did not reply, is because I didn’t know if people even got my replies… I have replied so many times, into a vacuum. And I emailed you upon receiving your first comment… never heard back. Did you get that email? You are beautiful, and your words are heavenly manna. I hear that you are grieving, and I know that it is not easy. I am here for you. I got your back. You are welcome to reach out to me. My email is athenaheavenlybody@gmail.com.

      As far as not feeling worthy of your daughter’s grace~ that feeling, if not lovingly attended to from inside YOU, will only be passed on to her, to resolve. So PLEASE put your holy hands on your heart and LOVE that one who feels unworthy. Love her until she bursts into galactically drunken, ecstatic light. Love her unconditionally and fully as you do your own daughter. I am loving her too.

      AND… if we are indeed Sourced from the same Soul… I am happy to report that there is EPIC fulfillment and miraculous grace just around the bend. We are the LOVE of ALL CREATION, and the Bringers of Heaven to Earth.

      LOVE YOU SISTER.

      Reply

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