It’s The Full Moon Talking…

October twenty-second is Beat Heavily Around the Bush Day… were you aware?  Yeah.  Well, now you are!  I’m sitting here at my desk and unabashedly scratching my mosquito bites with my skin brush, realizing that I should probably put on some perfume, considering changing out of my new neon orange sporty bra and pumpkin colored panties and thinking I could EAT before I dive into this uncharted pool of linguistic mystery.  Athena Grace.  “Ya better LOVE her, because ya sure can’t LEAVE her,” I say to myself.  And then floods in a massive inhale, followed by an exhale that literally DID launch a thousand ships.  A thousand little microscopic fairy ships.  My bedroom is an etheric sea teaming with teensy fairy pirates.  The intricate ships would impress the pants right off you… if only you could see them with the naked eye.  But thankfully you can’t, so your pants get to stay on tonight!

 

Ahhh, being sillier than thou got my motor revved, distracted me from the seductive tug of my erotically screaming mosquito bites and my other way less than erotic impulses to do the aforementioned gazillion other overtly important things.  I notice that I am a fiend when it comes to using the words that end in LY.  What are those called?  Adverbs?  I have a trashy fear that this makes me a less good writer.  But when I grapple with another way to say it, I can’t find one and I like the LYs… so… Sigh… my writing might take a blow but at least I can continue to drown your ass in cheapLY dripping descriptions!  Will you please forgive me?  Will you still LOVE me????  God.  I have to laugh at myself.  I have been hyper aware of how desperate I can be to be loved by those around me.  It’s kind of exhausting sometimes.  This is when I can just drop back into my body and relax my guts.  (GUTS!)  Relax my brain matter and my lips.  The muscles around my heart.  God, come on IN!  Make yourself at home in me.  I am fully willing to feel the revelatory epicness of your embrace in every single shred of my personal pan ISness.  (Inspired by personal pan pizzas at Round Table?  Or was it Pizza Hut?  I always got pineapple on mine, you better believe!  Gosh, personal pan pizzas were such a large scale thrill for me.  Maybe because it gave me some childhood autonomy…)

 

(I just took a break and meandered to the kitchen to make some kale salad to eat… and I SWEAR, I wrote like TEN blogs in my head while I compiled the vibrant veggie mess.  Now I can’t remember ANY of it!)

 

There comes a moment in every well intending exhibitionist blogger’s journey where she encounters someone who wishes to remain anonymous.  “And THEN what??”, she finds herself wondering… Especially when this other happens to be one she is quite enmeshed with… her writing partner, say… And now I am grappling with how to continue to peel off the layers of my ego’s designer wardrobe and continue to get naked for you, while respecting his wishes of his privacy.  God, for having so much essential stuff in common, he and I are SO different.  I mean for ONE thing, he told me that he doesn’t even like to cum on a woman’s face or tits.  I think that’s maybe the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard!  (Should I have more discretion?  Maybe… but I wouldn’t enjoy myself nearly as much… and if I wasn’t enjoying myself as much it would be a lot harder to keep stepping back onto the page and servin’ it up, day after day, after glorious day!!!)

 

Anyway, he told me not to use his name, but I AM allowed to call him “my writing partner”… Very generous of him.  Well, he and I have been having a pretty dynamic exchange these days:  heavy writing, deep conversations, quiet space sharing… and yes… we even knocked some sweaty boots the other day.  I cringe at so fully disclosing my personal life like this… but… this is where the energy is for me… and I can only spend so much time skirting around such charged subjects.

 

The charge runs in a few directions.  One being that our connection created some drama and mess with my housemate… ‘member?  Well, since then, she and I have worked to restore the love… but I still feel dangerousLY tenuous on the subject of spending time with my WP (writing partner).  It feels so much BETTER to be in Love and good standing with my housemate than to be in discord with her.  So I tend to avoid the subject of HIM altogether… but then it just throbs inside me like the sorest thumb in the world.  I feel GUILTY.

 

I hate feeling guilty.  It seems.  But then again, maybe I like it… because I seem to create it enough in my life.  Maybe it gives my light in the loafers heart some coveted gravity.  But if this is the price of gravity, it sure is expensive.  I think I’m gonna return it.  I hope I still have the receipt around here somewhere.  Lately I have been hyper aware of the gaping chasm between my authentic self, my integrity, which perpetually aches to be unabashedly transparent… and this other self, who doesn’t want to upset others or “lose love”.  I have created the perfect circumstances to be pressed right up against this scraping metal on metal edge inside myself.  Coming clean in my blog is the first step to reclaiming the purity born of unbridled honesty.

 

Here is another avenue of charge~ you know how turned on I’ve been lately.  It’s been so challenging to just BE with it… Meanwhile, the sexual tension has slowly been building between my WP and I.  But… where do I currently stand on the topic of sex?  I’m committed to a year of no relationship… but… where does that leave my radically conflagrating pussy and my fevered, tropical flesh?  What does it *mean* to just have sex with someone?  Besides, don’t I thirst for so much MORE than just a casual, garden variety fuck?  But all these questions and considerations find themselves suddenly stone cold chillin’ on the back burner… while the FRONT burner torches up like it naturally does when gas has been seeping out for weeks before it finally gets lit.  POOOOF!!!!

 

So after coolLY, bashfulLY, matureLY skirting the topic for weeks… we finally go for it.

 

And shrug… honestly… the anticipation was much hotter than the actual genital rubbing.  God.  Leave it to sex to bring up all kinds of my edges.  I want to *seem* so powerful and confident and skillful as a lover… and often that stands like a pink, wooly mammoth in the way of me actually having what I want, being connected, authentic, vulnerable, communicative.  Admitting this to you is both terrifying and relieving.  But when kiss comes to suck, I think it’s a pretty powerful thing to share with you… because there *must* be at LEAST one of you who can relate to some of this… but would never dare admit it… and now you never have to, because Athena Grace has done the dirty work.  How bitchin’ is THAT?!?!

 

Ever since we “did it” (Grin), I’ve been deeply contemplating what I want, sexually.  Because I want SOMETHING… for sure… and I haven’t quite put my finger on it.  But reading Nicole Daedone’s blog~ nicoledaedone.com has shed some light on the subject.  She is the leader of a sex community in San Francisco.  And she also happens to be one of the most lucid, powerful, raw, authentic, courageous, bold women I’ve ever met.  I saw her as a coach about five years ago and the time we shared… well… it impacted me to my rattling bones and their own great beyond.  She didn’t coach me about sex, mind you… just about BEING.

 

At One Taste, they practice “OM”, orgasmic meditation.  This is focused on the woman as the receiver.  Shit, this blog is getting to be too long.  And since this topic is a never-ending one… I’m gonna toss out a glittering “to be continued” sign and get on with my evening of full moon worship.  (God… the moon here on Kauai is SO bright, it almost blinded me last night.  My WP and I walked to the beach.  The sky was strewn with hunks of massive, cottony cloud which amplified the moonlight and created a surreal atmosphere that was so bright that it resembled neither day nor night.  Like being inside a haunting black and white photograph.)

 

ATHENA!  Stop writing now!  Just cut yourself off.  Come on…  Okay… Well, check out Nicole Daedone’s blog, if you want to research some of my most recent inspirations on the sex front.

 

Amen (in the moon).

Advertisements

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Rosy Moon
    Oct 26, 2010 @ 07:30:22

    On guilt; your horoscope for November courtesy of Eric Francis of Planet Waves.com:

    You are close to a point where you can make no more compromises about who you are. You’ve done a lot of this in the past, for diverse reasons including living up to your parents’ expectations of who you are, or those of a partner, or the impulse to be a good parent. The list of expectations and who has them would be a long one, but I’ll cut it short with the idea that your sole, soul commitment now is the authenticity of your existence. You have wiggle room, but it’s now about 1/10th of what you had a year ago. The fit is getting narrower every day, and as you hone yourself and direct your energy at this one purpose, two things are likely to happen. One is that you’ll be more willing to encounter the unsettling lack of familiarity that the task requires; and you’re going to focus your power. Part of what claiming your power brings up is guilt, so if you’re feeling some of that, take it as a sign that you’re cutting the barbed wire of the past rather than a sign that you’re w rong. You’re removing the fetters of control that were embedded to your existence when you were much younger. You’re gathering the strength to move past the self-doubts of the adults who surrounded you and who themselves dragged around the doubts of their own parents. At a certain point you’ll no longer have to decide to be confident in who you are; your confidence will decide for you.

    Capricorn by Eric Francis

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: