Bleeding With Bliss

Ahh, quiet Friday… Three forty nine in the afternoon.  I’m sitting outside the Kilauea Bakery.  It’s just me and the birds.  And the breeze.  Inside the bakery, Abba is playing~ Dancing Queen.  The song wafts softly into me, mingling well with the mild shhhh of hearty tropical foliage.  My mood feels so somber.  I find myself wondering why it’s so easy to mistake peace for boredom… Habit?  I just had the thought that I’d like to go out with a pack of wild girls tonight, looking sexy and dangerous.  Drink wine, laugh, scream and turn taboos upside down and shake them out all over the unsuspecting place.  Then when we’re good and sauced, we’ll gallop to the moon and starlit water’s frothy edge, tear off our scanty clothing and let the rawness of nighttime ravage our soft, naked bodies as we shriek and sing and spit as we please.

 

But I’ll probably just have *another* quiet night at home, bathing in the succulent solitude of my darkened bedroom.  In the dark, the music pops out into 3 and 4 and 5D, so that I can actually suck it, chew it, swallow it!  It shapes me as it presses into me from all sides.

 

Holy God!  I feel better already!  I was feeling so resistant to writing… and just two paragraphs in, I am suddenly flying high.  Folks, this is a miracle.  Signs point to that I am following my bliss!  This actually moves me to tears, because it took me SO long to find it.  To be able to FEEL at the core of my being, ignited, merged and ripped open to the God that lives right here, nestled sweetly inside of me!  I could sit here and cry about how blessed and grateful I am… But I think I’ll keep writing.
I want to take you into my nocturnal bedroom with me. Come on.  It is one of the holiest places on earth.  Wrapped up in soft, tropical darkness, I feel whole and safe and peaceful.  Sometimes I fancy to be seduced and caressed by music, other times, I float dreamily on the sonic subtleties that drift in from my perpetually wide open window.  Last night cow moos wafted in, bleeding together with the high, shrill purr of crickets.  And let’s be sure and celebrate my friends the chirping geckos!  In the dark, sounds gain weight and frivolous meaning.  When the riotous dogs pipe in, I am practicing actively seeking out and affirming the place of peace in me that remains eternally unscathed by even the most abrasive rackets.

 

I roll out my dingy blue yoga mat… the one that has escorted me on my travels all over the map, creating an instant home for my body and soul, no matter where I am.  Maybe I dance because I’m feeling beautiful blended with All Pervading Rapture.  I breathe and move and feel myself.  Here.  Now.  In this sacred vessel that is my body.  I feel and breathe into my edges where sacred tension defines my embodied self.  I find new freedom behind my closed bedroom door in the mellow lit darkness.  I write.  I swim through the psychedelia of my mind.  Freely churn, spelunk, excavate my soul.  Sometimes the words and worlds come easy.  Sometimes I struggle and fight for them.  But either way, I am living my truth, milking my self discipline, my discipleship to my craft through storms and clear internal skies alike… and this makes my soul unravel and purr and imbibe the unsayable.

 

My body feels like heaven right now.  Writing turned boredom right back into peace and beyond peace into bliss.  I wish these words could blast you with a direct transmission of this sacred gift that is flowing through my body right now.  I wish you could feel this with me.  God is making love to me.  Just goes to show, you never know when Grace is gonna sneak up and accost you from the innermost reaches of your being.  Nice!  Sexual energy purrs in me like rapturous light rising up from my pussy through my core.  My heart feels relaxed and fully accepting of this moment.  My mind… is slow… for fucking ONCE… Jesus.  And on the outside, my mostly exposed, tan skin is being petted by Heaven’s breath.

 

Goddess, I sure have been beating around the bush.  I have big news for you!  Okay, out with it then!!!!  I swam with the dolphins today!!!  Yes.  I mean no, I’m NOT kidding!  I was at one of my favorite beaches, Kalihiwai (the w is pronounced like a v… “Kah-lee-hee-veye”) I thought I saw them way far out.  Spinner dolphins.  They occasionally leap up out of the water and twirl ecstatically, landing with a sassy splash back in their oceanic playground.  Ooooh, as I revisit the sacred scene in my mind, my heart floods and my eyes well up with tears.  I think their blessing has something to do with my current state of quietude and peace.  Now I’m crying.  I feel so humbled and blessed.

 

Brad told me to relinquish attachment when it came to swimming with the dolphins, because THEY are in charge and when it’s meant to be, it will be… but if you try to force it, you end up swimming your ass off only to find yourself alone and so far from shore.  So I happily merged with the mellow surf, praying yet again to be washed clean.  (One can NEVER be washed too clean this dirty day in age… Wink.)  But destiny lured me further and further out into the little bay.  I was not trying or thinking.  Merely feeling the poetry, the privilege of moving through these sacred waters.  I felt so vulnerable.  So far out, so small and at the effect of something entirely unfathomable as I glided through the cool, buoyant blue.

 

I heard them before I saw them.  With my head under the water, flying like a submerged water-skeeter… I heard their high pitched sonar squeals.  It was shocking.  The deepest part of me knew… and yet my mortality trembled, feeling to be held in the gaping mouth of the Unknown.  I scanned the dancing surface of the water around me… and there they WERE, a whole big pod, dorsal fins slicing the yielding surface of the water.  I felt my heart blossom and gush.  Warm tears slid from my eyes and blended gracefully with the sea.  At first I thought I had to chase them… but soon I realized that we were dancing together.  I felt them include me in their joyous play.

 

Spinner dolphins are a small, slender variety.  So shiny and slippery looking.  They would surface, blowing air out of their blow holes in a mass “psssshhhh” and then disappear for some moments.  But I could hear them squealing and singing when I submerged myself in the water.  My mind disappeared.  I entered another realm.  They occasionally leapt and twirled, reminding me of whirling dervishes of the ocean.  We journeyed together, just simply BEING in the ocean for about twenty minutes?  I guess… time didn’t exist… but it was long enough to get entirely filled up by the experience.  Then I had a feeling that I was ready to swim back to shore… and precisely then, they disappeared into the oceanic wilderness.

 

I swam the long distance back to shore savoring the sensuous holiness of every stroke.  I walked all the way home filled with a deep, resonant reverence.  I was barefoot, and after being in the water for over an hour, each footstep felt profound as my body touched down again on warm, solid earth.  My mind was all space and silence.  Gosh… now that I think about it… I realize I have just… how do I put this?  …I have just had an intimate interlude with the Sacred which has impacted me deeper than I even realize and changed me forever.

 

HALLELUJAH!!!!!  Blessed BE!

 

Amen.

 

PS~ It was brought to my attention that my last post came up blank… so I have re-posted it… check it out, if you fancy…

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. souldipper
    Oct 15, 2010 @ 20:56:45

    What a spiritual experience. I am in awe. I don’t swim so the thought of being a long way from shore is one thing, but to have been in the company of dolphins is quite another. I love that you first heard them. Oh, this is such a thrill. Thanks for sharing what it was like, you adventurous woman!

    Reply

  2. Naomi Colb
    Oct 15, 2010 @ 22:48:31

    Yo, Athena,
    This dolphin post was such a ride, as usual, up and down the emotional tone scale and the inner and outer realms:)

    The second post is still blank:) Very peaceful to behold:)

    I want you to meet my friend and colleague Beth Barany.
    She helps people to birth their books and then get them read
    bought and read by 1000’s:) And she is really fun and a friend of Leo Horovitz.
    I will send you a Facebook suggestion.

    Reply

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