Hey Wait… I Didn’t Order Drama!?!

Souldipper once confessed that her stomach turns on occasion when she reads the unabashed, heated pleas I occasionally throw in God’s direction.  She wants to leap through the computer, give me a sobering slap and say, “Athena Grace, don’t just fire your prayers from the hip like that… unless… you’re prepared to lay in the nail-laden resulting bed, Sweetheart.”  Of course these are my words.  I am notorious for taking the words of others, distilling them to the purest essence and then dressing them back up in drama and lackluster.  Besides, I don’t imagine Souldipper to be the slapping type… except under ostensible circumstances.  But look at me burying myself in a meaningless pile of words, when what I really wanted to say is~

 

I LOVE YOU!  As I was washing myself clean in the placid, healing waters of Hanalei Bay this morning… actually, I remember the precise moment~ I was floating on my back, making Ocean Angels~ and I felt all of You.  All of you who witness my journey.  All of you who walk by my side, digesting, celebrating and integrating your own unique snowflake of a vantage point in this curious, holy Dream.  In the magnifying bath softly undulating between earth and sky, I prayed for all of your hearts to be FREE!   For all of your ways to be illuminated by Love, washed in cool, bracing Peace.  Thank you for sharing this journey with me!  Thank you for your individual commitments to serving the Great Love!  Keep Going!  Your efforts matter.  Your simple kindness stretches eons and lightyears beyond the visible world unfurling before your shy earthly eyes…

 

Phew, I had to let that out before I could get on with spooning out today’s steaming heap of intimate slop for all you ever-hungry soul pilgrims.  So here goes…

 

You know how I’m often wishing that I could be Saint Theresa?  I’d even settle for remaining me, but just getting bludgeoned through the heart with Ecstasy’s arrow… Well… our ever benevolent Maker granted my wish last night.  I lay on my bed, my heart utterly shattered.

 

(Time out again… a HELLA radiant older woman just walked by (I’m at the local coffee shoppe in Hanalei this am~ “Java Kai”) and I was moved to reflect back to her her overt radiance!  Strange how that works.  I felt like I was just following holy orders.  She said I looked like someone she knew and we must be kindred spirits.  I realized she too resembled someone that I know and *respect*…I asked her if she’d have tea with me someday.  She said yes.  Her eyes shone like evening stars.)

 

Time in.  I found out why my housemate is not speaking to me.  But not from her… I called my writing partner for our requisite evening exchange of the day’s novel progress… Before we dove in, he said he had a pressing issue to address~ why on earth had I told my housemate, his close friend, that we had showered together????  He was not happy.  At all.  He said that the entire island knew of this now tainted incident and this was not okay with him.  The classical light bulb flashed on over my head.  Ah-HA!  This is why my housemate ain’t talking to me.  I had confessed to her this intimate exchange after it happened… because she had more or less requested that… and I felt some guilt that I wanted to shed…

 

God, I am feeling ashamed to be suddenly flailing in a swampy pool of drama.  Like, REALLY??!?  I CREATED THIS????  Yes, Athena Grace, you certainly did.  Now stand up in it.  And keep lifting your heart and your mind up to God.  Sigh… Ohhh-kay…

 

In the moment that I shared it with her, my intention was to maintain integrity and connection.  But instead I created a mirror who *seems* furious, punishing, collapsed… Amazing how easy it can be to so radically miss the mark.  Talking with my writing partner, (who has staunchly requested that I refrain from using his name or exposing his identity) I quickly fell from sobriety and the revelatory state of inspired purpose into the innate proclivity to fly and fight.  I told him that I didn’t want to pursue our project any further.  He said sleep on it.  We hung up the phone.

 

I lay alone, suffocating behind the closed door of my bedroom.  And guess who, of ALL people I chose to call?  Mykael!!!  This surprised even me.  But he knows me.  And I needed to be known, as I was feeling wholly misunderstood by every single person on Kauai and maybe even the island Herself.  Yes, for the first time since I’ve been here, I dreamed of returning “home” to Oakland!!!!  Surprise!  Up until then, I had been 99.9999999999% sure that I AM home.  I felt so relieved dreaming of flying back into the staticy urban sprawl… even if I suffocated in all the chaos, pavement, pollution and noise.  A microscopic price to pay…  You know what I most lusted for in these moments of intense discomfort?!?!?!

 

CHURCH!  I was elated at the idea of being reunited with the East Bay Church of Religious Science!  I felt like one crawling on hands and knees through the parched desert and finally spotting a lustrous oasis on the horizon.  I miss that church SOOOO much.  So much.  Just for the record.

 

But Mykael held me just how I needed to be held.  I felt loved, gotten and perfect AND stretched into broader perspectives, greater compassion and insight.  After we’d picked the bone at hand long enough to remove all the juiciest meat, I asked him casually how his date was the other night.  I felt his satiated heat flooding through the phone.  I asked him if they had sex.  He said YES!!!!  The kind of yes that dripped with bestial sounds, shooting stars, reverberating exclamation points and of course plenty of bodily fluids.

 

In an instant, I was torched with the hot, poisonous sting of JEALOUSY.  I had had a modest, homeopathic dose of it when he told me that he had a date… and I leaned into the sting.  Why not?  I have no reason to fret about who my ex is sleeping with.  And if there is pent up energy in me, I want to face it and dispel it.  I aspire to create a peace treaty with this unsightly, long condemned emotion.  Honestly, I don’t even necessarily believe in monogamy.  I aspire to feel whole enough that my beloved(s) can be free to express themselves fully in OR out of relationship with me.  What’s higher than seeing one you love fulfilled and joyous?  So I saw this as an opportunity to air and illuminate old fears.

 

But tell that to my emotional body, who was now conflagrated.  I had just thrown back quite a dangerous, circumstantial cocktail.  Zowie!!!  Folks, don’t try this at home… and if you do, accidentally, be sure you have the number for Poison Control close at hand.  I lay there imagining Mykael penetrating some faceless FOXY bitch, making her scream in holy rapture… and my heart split and burned and bled and my pussy felt like an immense red hot coal.

 

But even in the thickest of the thick of it, I could clearly feel my higher self standing within me, clear, loving and wide awake.  I gave myself permission to CRY.  No holds barred.  I let it RIP, and as I did, I remembered Saint Theresa.  I let myself break.  Because I often pray to be broken.  Mykael stayed with me.  Quietly.  He’s a good man.  Even if our relationship turned to mud.

 

I could say a lot more… but I’ve already burned through my acceptable word quota.  You see, my blogs are mere snacks.  Hearty snacks, mind you… So I guess I’ll resume this thread tomorrow if needs be.

 

I’ll conclude by telling you that my observer self sees so clearly my habit of feeling discomfort and wanting to FLEE.  Fuck did I want to leave the island last night!  But thankfully, my higher wisdom is clearly reminding me that this is a rite of passage and purification.  I have the opportunity to open my heart when it feels terrifying and impossible.  I have the opportunity to LOVE MYSELF unconditionally.  And see my housemate AS a reflection of myself… and rather than take a defensive stance, I can pray and pray and pray to God that I may see her through Divine Eyes.  And I can become adept at remaining still, peaceful and rooted in Truth Everlasting in the face of extreme discomfort.  What a magnificent blessing!!!  I accept.  God, wash me CLEAN.  Oh, please wash me clean.

 

Amen.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rosy Moon
    Oct 13, 2010 @ 14:43:30

    Wait, where’s my dose of Athena? This looks juicy…

    Reply

  2. souldipper
    Oct 15, 2010 @ 21:23:51

    What a giggle – *Athena Grace Attempts To Quote Soul Dipper – Slips Off Rails Slightly – Recovers Enough To Hit The Message Home.*

    Interesting this jealousy business. In Conversations with God, and I’ll do what you did with my message :), Walsch is shocked to learn that “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” was not an issue with God in the way “we” have adopted it.

    God says in more highly evolved beings, one is happy when their loved one is admired and loved by another. It is a joy. Loving a person, apparently, surely means they are lovable to others as well and those of a higher frequency love sharing their loves.

    So Walsch asks God – “Do you mean it’s okay to go out and have affairs?”

    God didn’t say that. S/He points out that when we love someone and a 3rd party comes along with admiration and strong desires, love will mean that the admired one will remain true to the partner – in these higher realms. They will want to remain true. But until the admired one makes that decision, the partner would be completely capable of accepting that the beloved can be loved by another.

    Then God points out that there are three relationship killers in our society:
    1. Jealousy
    2. Neediness
    3. Expectations

    Yowsers…just put a little red tick mark by each one of them for me. Not always and not always lots, but I’ve practiced them all. And I never like being in those spaces. It’s a prison.

    How’s that for being long winded? Oh, I think it is so neat that you miss your church. Community is such a vital thing for us. I’m going now to do an email and start a circle that is going to be Divine.

    Love to you and your dolphins, Athena Grace.

    Reply

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