As I Am

Welcome to the land of barking dogs, freshly set suns and dark, moons. I feel wriggly in my own skin right now. I am yearning to be held by my lover. Not any lover in particular… it’s just that feeling like there’s way too much empty space around me and I want to be in the sexy, musky arms, pressed against the delicious masculinity of one who knows me as well as one can know another. How well is that, anyway? Personally, I still feel like I have a LOT to learn in that regard. Looking back on the major intimacies of my life, I see that I have been quite wrapped up in who I want them to be for MEEEEEE. Immature, I know. Shrug. I’m learning. Someday I pray to ripen into the kind of lover who delights in the CONTINUOUS, generous discovery and unselfish support of my beloved’s perpetual becoming. I guess that’s part of the reason why I’ve condemned myself to sitting here tonight at my ghetto-funky black particle board desk alone and feeling all of this. So that I can be sliced deep by this aloneness. Sliced deep and bleeding with yearning. I can almost feel those masculine arms, wrapping around me. I can almost smell his skin, feel his body’s heat and my own body’s molten, rapturous response.

But tonight, I will settle for nothing less than God. Shane told me that he believes that it is possible to fall in love with God as tangibly, completely and passionately as one can fall in love with a person… only better, of course, cuz c’mon, it’s GOD after all. Sigh… I want that. I guess I believe it too… I’d just forgotten for a slew of moments. But Yoganada was madly in love with God. It’s obvious in so much of his prayerful poetry and writings. Oh and of course the Sufi Mystic posse… You KNOW they were a particularly God drunk bunch. (Ha! The God Drunk Bunch! That would make a good title for something…) Saint Theresa is another one of my roll models of the human capacity to drown in divine love.

I sorta wish an angel would materialize before me right now and bludgeon my hungry thirsty naïve heart with one of his divine, ecstatic arrows. Though Saint Theresa didn’t seem to really enjoy the experience. It was ecstasy to the point of pain and it wasn’t just no “holy instant”… it kept right on stinging and singing a song of sobering, shattered immediacy. Do I really want that????

Probably not… but I want something. It’s the new moon today, and I’ve felt especially internal and introspective. I yearn to come into a deep, unwavering, overt alignment with my Almighty BFF. In fact, I feel frustrated, because it pains me to watch all these cacophonous shards of little me clanging and shrieking around in here. Vying for their turn to steer the ship that is my life, my speech, my thoughts, actions, choices, dreams.

The lessons in A Course in Miracles recently have been encouraging me to listen so deeply and let the voice of God beam on this world through the vessel that is me. I want that. I want that so bad… just not bad enough to come to a complete, silent halt and wait until I am moved. Not enough to withstand boredom and confront head on, the fear of being “nobody”. So I keep pushing ahead. Trying every day to “be somebody”. Somebody lovable and worthy and entertained. And the most repulsive of all, somebody “spiritual”. Adyashanti, one of my fave-rave spiritual teachers (adyashanti.org), talks about what a joke all the pretense of being a “spiritual person” is. Think about the popular bullshit consensus most of us buy into in terms of what makes a person “spiritual”… blagllgghhek. Being a “spiritual person” is as trendy as body piercing, having a therapist, Peet’s Coffee or diesel jeans.

I guess the closest I can come to God at this point on my path is to have great compassion and forgiveness for all of these disparate, unconscious, needy, unflattering, selfish parts of myself. Here I am again, treading the illusory road of all or nothing. Imagine that… And that’s just not an accurate representation of what’s here now. Here and now, there is a baby gecko suctioned to the outside of my window. He’s about two inches long. One inch of body and one inch of tail. So cute. I imagine I’ll never tire of geckos. I find myself perpetually swooning in adoration of the tiny mystical creatures. I love their chirping songs too. I find it deeply, strangely comforting. Yes. Geckos are excellent company.

So, here I am tonight. Showing up on the page just as I am, imperfect, honest and yearning. Self critical too, I suppose. And that’s just gonna have to be enough for now.

I want to address the topic of sexuality again. Because every time I share my sexuality here in Athena Graceland, I have a split experience of it. On one hand, I feel strong and beautiful, because I am being true to myself by sharing the parts of me that rise to my surface with the most energy, weight and eagerness. I am deeply fascinated and enchanted with my sexuality… and I feel that there is so much that wants to be healed by moving from the condemnation of secrecy, taboo and shame into the light of authenticity, exploration, forgiveness, and [gasp] play! And yet, every time I write on this topic, afterwards, I second guess my transparency. I feel afraid that you will think I am somehow cheapening myself by talking so freely about a very intimate subject that most “respectable women” keep to themselves. But even as I write that, the rebel in me is spitting and snorting. I will not hide myself in order to make you feel more comfortable. Sometimes the truth makes you squirm. That’s just the way it is.

And I’m turned on. And I’m trying to figure out how to live in this beautiful, intense and wholly holy state. What does it mean to be so turned on? What do I do with it? It is raw creative energy. It is embodied divine yearning. It is feminine power. And it is raging inside of me, demanding to be voiced, embraced, revered and channeled. Ahhhh, I feel much better… I needed to get untangled from that one. Though I still could use a good old fashioned holy fuck. Grin. (A grin complete with gleaming tooth…) But… in this sexual initiation I am walking through, old fashioned holy fucks are not on the menu right now… I am to ignite and burn alive, dedicating my yearning to the All Pervading Holy Fucker. (Wow, I am really going for it tonight. Either you’ll LOVE me or LEAVE me for sure!!!)

Amen.

PS~ Just for the record, I totally love, accept and forgive myself for being so perfectly imperfect. For being here, in this amnesiac, in between land on this ever quirky human journey.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Naomi Colb
    Oct 08, 2010 @ 00:12:37

    I experience this as your most clear and powerful post to date. You are expressing so much of my own inner world!! I support you in saying it ALL!
    The ones who keep reading will eventually make you sustainable as an author:)

    Reply

  2. Darrell
    Oct 08, 2010 @ 16:23:25

    I love it when you forgive yourself, Athena.

    Nobody’s voice is clearer and more authentic than yours. I hope you will always come to this place exactly as you are.

    Reply

    • Athena Grace
      Oct 09, 2010 @ 15:02:13

      Darrell!!!! Great to hear your distant, echoing voice.
      It makes love swell in my heart!
      Thank you.
      I hope you are well…
      Feeling Loved by All Pervading One.
      Blowing you a kiss across the Pacific!
      ~Athena

      Reply

  3. Guy
    Oct 09, 2010 @ 00:47:49

    I think I’ll choose to love you Dawn Athena! Your honesty and authenticity, and especially your rich and lushly verdant prose has captured me. Now and forever. 🙂

    Please do go on singing your beautiful songs. I want to hear more… xo

    Reply

    • Athena Grace
      Oct 09, 2010 @ 15:05:51

      Thank you Guy! I will keep singing. And I’m glad to know my songs will contribute to the Holy Land that is your Heart!
      Thank you for your supportive words!
      Blessings to You,
      Athena (Dawn Athena)

      Reply

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