Hey… Where Did The Floor Go???

Well, it’s official~ this blog is my lifeline.  Some days I imagine it to be a casual fling… but the truth is it is my connection to myself, to life, to meaning, to God.  I feel so vulnerable admitting that… and kind of pathetic.  I know pathetic sounds like a harsh word.  I’m just having a hard day.  Again, I gave myself permission not to write today… but I’m feeling so lost that if I didn’t come and report for duty on the page, I think I’d either go insane or blink out of existence all together.

I’m sitting outside the Kilauea bakery.  I see these two beautiful, older women at an adjacent table having a deep, connected conversation and I feel starved and full of longing.  Oh dear, suddenly I just want to fall apart, break down in tears… but I’m in public… and it doesn’t seem like the “appropriate” action to take.  So I’m holding it in and my heart is plump with ache and tremble.  A few straggling tears are finding their way out my eyes.

I met this guy Hok the other day.  I sauntered topless and oblivious into my living room and he was just there.  It was an awkward introduction, but he’s a pretty interesting person.  He’s young and vibrant and has a very deliberate, penetrating way about him.  His face is large, inviting and shines with a childlike innocence.  I noticed he had an accent… one that I was not familiar with.  He told me he’s Lithuanian.  He’s deep into this stuff called Basic Human Design, which is based on astrology… and some other oracular systems combined, I think.  According to this system, there are a few different aspects of personality types that are at play within each of us, and if we engage with the world from a place of alignment with our authentic pattern, versus our conditioning, we can live much more harmonious and fulfilled lives.

I suppose that could be asserted within any system… so why am I trippin so hard on THIS one?  (I just got a beautiful whiff of something sweet and yogurty.  It inspired my senses, yet I didn’t pay it conscious attention because come ON, how often are you outside, living life when suddenly, WHAM!, you smell a beautiful silent flood of berry yogurt?!  But then I noticed that the man at the table next to me is nursing on a big bottle of berry kefir, between unabashed mouthfuls of his blue corn chips.  Yum.)  Well, Hok is very deep into this system of Basic Human Design, and he read my chart and said some things that commanded my attention.  A lot of what my chart revealed to him was dead on… and then some of it requires that I consider life and meaning and existence from very different angles and vantage points than I am used to… which of course is profoundly timely, because just being here on Kauai and existing in a whole different paradigm and world is having that effect, anyway.

I “coincidentally” ran into Hok again yesterday.  Three times.  And each time it felt like a weighty dream scene.  Did you ever see that movie, “Waking Life”?  The main character keeps falling through dream sequence after dream sequence and having these profound, philosophical, existential conversations with total characters… HEY!!!  My FIRST CARDINAL!!!!!!  Honestly, it has taken me THIS long to see one up close.  I heard they are more timid than most birds and there are fewer of them on the island too.  But this one came up right behind me and made a shrill screech.  I turned around and faced the recurring protagonist of my recent dreams, just as I was asserting the notion that I have felt to be existing in the soft, fluid potency of deliberate dream scapes recently.

So you see my reality is gently coming unhinged.  Gently, am I being redefined.

Hok told me that because I am an “emotional generator”, my way is to respond to life, with my body as my guide.  But because I am emotional, I am perpetually riding waves of emotion and it is best not to make impulsive choices, but rather to sleep on things, so that I can feel into any given choice from multiple vantage points on my wave.  He said that my energy, when it’s up is very desirable and makes others feel really good.  Especially if they are not emotional themselves (other types reflect the emotions of others, rather than riding their own flow).  So people like to be around me just to feel my vibrant, copious energy.  Looking back on my life, I see this very clearly.

Why am I telling you this?  I guess just so you have some idea of the stuff that I am assimilating into my upgraded vantage point.  But mostly, I want you to know that I am struggling with the notion that there is an “authentic” me, and a me that is fabricated from a gratuitous deluge of social conditioning.  Suddenly I am looking at EVERYTHING that I believe, all the motivations for the choices that I make, moment to moment, all of the dreams and desires and ideas I hold about the future and what is important… And I have absolutely NO idea where the ground went.  Here comes another wave of emotion.  God.

You might be thinking that I simply have WAY too much time on my hands… Well… maybe… but I think as uncomfortable as if feels, to pull the stuffing out of myself… it will serve me and therefore YOU and even humanity… in the end.  I believe that many of us are in the process of some deep alchemical transformations, purifications.  We each have our own process and our unique task in relation to the collective tapestry… but we are all in this together.  And WOWIE is it uncomfortable and awkward these days!  Yee-haw!  It’s a bareback ride on a unicorn galloping, bucking and snorting across the groundless mulitiverse!  All I can do is take courageous fistfuls of her mane, breathe deeply and relax into the state of perpetual exhilaration.

Or is this just what “growing up” is?…

Shrug.  We’ll see… but in the mean time, I’m gonna go sing kirtan.


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