Ouch!

It’s eight fifty six pm.

I’m alone in my bedroom.

I have spent a good part of my friday night untangling

a mess of yarn.  The knots are endless.

But I needed to follow up the post I just put out earlier.

I shouldn’t have published it.

I can’t believe I said that I don’t miss Mykael.

All night, I have had an overwhelming crushing feeling

in my chest,

as if I have broken my own heart.

I guess the truth is that I DO miss him.

A lot.

I guess there was just some hurt and disappointment barricading the missing.  And now the missing is expressing its self as deep grief.  People said Kauai amplifies everything.  Now I believe them.  The ache inside, the mess I’ve made, the gaping aloneness I feel… God… GOD!  Please be here with me in this Holy discomfort.

A few minutes ago, I discovered and reread  a letter that Mykael wrote to me in our epic beginning.  He wrote me the best letters.  So sexy and deep, evocative and revealing, poetic and intelligent.  Why did I write such irreversible and gouging words today.  I swear to god, I feel like I just stabbed myself in the heart.  I feel so naive.  Looks like a cry myself to sleep night for sure.

Mykael… I am SO sorry.

God, help me find a way out of this prison of an ego.  PLEASE.

Amen.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Darrell
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 23:23:28

    I am up late, and I wanted you to know that your words went out and they were read–and felt…

    An old man sits before me, telling me about his late wife. He tells me she was his first love and high-school sweetheart. They got married and raised children, and she grew old and wise and wrinkled…but she never stopped being his greatest love.

    He remembers how she would always set the table for breakfast the night before–so they could enjoy the first part of the day together. He remembers how she would lovingly iron his shirts, and never forget to put the thinnest slice of cheddar on his apple pie…

    Great loves are measured in small moments and concrete gestures. To say that you miss the things that Mykael did for you does not denounce your love for him; it confirms it.

    I have heard the old man’s story told countless times from mouths of all ages. When a loved one is away from us, it is the little things they offered us that make us cry when we miss them. Maybe it is because those little things are the objective proof that we were loved in return.

    Please forgive yourself so your heart can rest…

    Reply

    • Athena Grace
      Sep 18, 2010 @ 09:04:27

      Darrell~ How on earth did you get so DEEP?
      …Just the way God made you, I guess…
      Your comments always blow me away.
      The way you milk and mine Life
      and distill such treasures and wisdom.
      I ALWAYS appreciate what you have to offer.
      Thank you.
      ~Athena
      PS~ off to the Hanalei farmer’s market with my typewriter.
      PPS~ I loved the image of a thin slice of cheddar cheese on the apple pie!!!!

      Reply

  2. amrita
    Sep 18, 2010 @ 01:24:08

    Hello, my love. As I see it, you told the truth, you just told the partial truth.

    You can’t miss the things he’d do for you and simultaneously not miss him
    😉
    I love you

    Reply

  3. souldipper
    Sep 18, 2010 @ 13:18:25

    And if I may add to these powerfully wise comments – I’m told that we are not remembered for the grand things we did for someone. We are remembered for how we made them feel.

    Don’t apologize for truth, Athena. We have to deliver it carefully, but the truth does set us free.

    Reply

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