Blissfully Blending the Agony and Ecstasy

It’s another “good” day… Seems like my scientific extrapolation of the pattern of one up day, then a down day, then an up day… up, down, up, down, up, down… is accurate so far.  Not that I’m condemning myself to a heavy heart trudging through the mud day tomorrow… but just incase it does play out that way, I’m gonna be sure and thoroughly luxuriate in the cool effulgence that today is raining on me.

I woke up so gloriously alone on the thin foam that serves as my bed right now.  (It’s basically like a barely glorified version of sleeping on the floor.  I feel SO f-ing yogic.  Honestly, I don’t mind.  I am loving simplicity right now.  I was relieved to move out of my overly spacious house in Oakland.  Ask me how often I went into the living room… Once in a psychedelically persuaded moon.  (Oooh, a psychedelically persuaded moon… I’d sure love to MEET Her, fully illumined face to face!  Definitely puttin’ that on my bucket list…) And the dining room too.  Dead space.  I yearned to have a simple, humble existence.  And crafty manifestress I am, I yearned it right into existence.)  I woke up to the requisite rooster squabble and abrasive parrot music.  I asked God to inform me of the vibe of my day and then I pulled a tarot card from the goddess deck on my iPhone.  I got the ten of cups.  It had a picture of a majestically arching rainbow with a full moon above (whose face, unfortunately was not psychedelically persuaded… but maybe if she let that blazing rainbow have his way with her on life’s heaving dance floor, that would change…).  Oh and the rainbow was reflected upside down, over the broken, glistening body of the ocean!  The drawing could have easily been inspired by the very island on which I am blessedly perched.  It was about abundance.  An abundance which naturally spills out into the world.

All of the cards I have been drawing lately speak of abundance.  Yesterday I drew the Sun.  As I move through all these current waves of hope and fear, loneliness and rapture, contraction and surrender, it is requiring deep trust to release myself into the undeniably auspicious promise of the oracle.  (Before I landed on Kauai, believe it or not, all the cards I drew told me that I was at the end of a challenging time and success, peace, joy, prosperity were on their way, immaculate wings poised to spread.)

Day three of my morning sadhana practice.  So far it has been a solo journey (Though originally it was a vision shared with my housemates… ). I can not tell you how delicious it is to begin the day that way.  Bathing in breath and the waning sounds of an awakening jungle.  Feeling the vitality and strength of my body.  I only wish that I could TRULY dedicate my practice entirely to God.  I still feel all these straggling egoic motivations for my practice… to stay in shape, to avoid the suffering of dirty, stagnant mind, to achieve unity with the All Pervading Bigger, Better, MORE… Ahhh, human motivations are interwoven so intricately with threads of Purity.  It’s hard to decipher them all in the end, and meanwhile, the tapestry is pretty striking, isn’t it?

But the Course in Miracles lesson for today is “Let me remember that my goal is God.”  So I came to asana practice with a sincere inquiry of how to practice in a way that reflects only the remembrance of and communion with God.  Remember Athena, lotuses unfold in God’s time, by God’s Grace.  Just keep showing up with that magnificent, curious and sincere heart, and some day… you will taste the All Pervading Honey.  You will find the light switch.

I WANT SO DEEPLY TO FIND THE LIGHT SWITCH.  Here’s me, groping clumsily about in deep, black, breathing infinity within and infinity without… my hand sweeping the wall-less worlds in search of a switch smaller than a single grain of rice.  (But certainly inscribed with the Lord’s Prayer… and every single other prayer ever uttered by the lips of hearts who wish… who wish in so many flailing words to find that teensy, taunting, slippery switch.)

After my morning practice, I was graced with an email notification of acceptance to the yoga therapy training taught by John Friend (the father of anusara yoga) on Maui in the beginning of October!!!!!!  Ten of Cups, BABY!  I really wanted to do it… and I had put it in God’s hands, trusting that if I belonged there, I would be accepted… and if the Destiny calling out to me from within my very own self was another… that was perfect too.  Because my goal… IS GOD.  Still, I am delighted that God’s plan for me includes this training, because it will enable me to facilitate deep healing of bodies, which of course are reflections of the mind which are reflections of the One.  There’s a bump on the log in the hole in the middle of the All Pervading Sea!

Speaking of the Sea… Ask me if I got in the Ocean today….

I did.  My rhythm is revealing its self, thank Goddess!  I find that merging with the lucid turquoise waters in the late morning, after breakfast and a few misc. chores feels great.  It purifies me and supercharges my day.  Today, as I stood alone, ankle deep in the cool, softly lapping body of the Mother Ocean, I wondered heavily if I was dreaming.  Signs would point to yes.  “Too good to be true”… my mind tries to convince me.  But apparently it’s not.  Apparently I am immersed a Blessing that I have, by the Grace of God, swum my way right into.  Thank you!

In my book “Secrets of the Talking Jaguar”, I just read the part where the author, Martin Prechtel had a near death experience, which was wild.  (The whole book is dense with poetry and profound, earthy wisdom.  I swear, I want to share like every other sentence with you!)  As he emerged back into life, into the excruciating pain of his body (he had fallen off a cliff and cracked some ribs) he was filled with a knowing that, “Suffering was not the price of living but part of the gift of being alive.  Not a big deal, but part of the deal.”  Obviously this spoke to me… because I feel life so deeply and sometimes… that makes for a very bumpy, achy, metaphorically bloody ride.  But sometimes even in the thick of my suffering, a deep part of me knows this.  Knows that the agony and the ecstasy are one.

Speaking of which, last night, as a cap to my rainy parade of a day, I was making myself some dinner.  I was delighted to throw some olive oily, garlicy eggplant on the grill… only to find out that the grill was out of propane.  Stove top city, Sweetheart.  Brad, the fanged, shamanic carnivore was of course cooking chicken on the burner to my right.  In a flash of inspiration, I asked him if I could pour some of his blissfully scalding chicken fat over my eggplant, quinoa and greens.  He gave me the go ahead!  And the next thing I knew, I had not only poured scalding chicken fat on my dinner, but also all over my arm!  Brad was shocked.  I didn’t feel anything.  Until I did.  And what I felt was more than a burning arm, but a deep upsurge of grief.  I fell apart in a pool of deep sobs in the kitchen.  Talk about the gift of being alive!  Thankfully our front yard is full of aloe vera plants.  Shrug.  It’s just a stinkin’ burn.  And a beautifully poetic end to an aching day.

Yes to ALL of it!  Let me remember that my goal is GOD!!!


This is my view from my bedroom window as I blog…
My impressive, poetic burn!

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. souldipper
    Sep 16, 2010 @ 21:37:51

    And speaking of suffering, there’s your burned arm lying across Martin’s book. So glad you have an earth’s supply of aloe vera. I cannot imagine life without it.

    Love you, Athena Grace and am off to dream about visiting you.


  2. Sumitra
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 06:22:22

    Pictures really add a new dimension to your blog. I mostly store pictures in my head, but sharing is a good thing. Too bad I don’t own a camera in this modern age of putting them online. Thank you for the addition…your word pictures still are in first place.

    I’ve spent the last six days in a state that varies between seclusion, recalibration and “normalcy”. The ingredient I’ve left out of that experience is living in the group home, Chandi, although I am there now, stealthily admitted. Last night, I saw the movie “The New Year” with Joan, who afterwards wanted to remind me I must learn to be indifferent to other people’s “foibles” and just go about my life. Is that true?

    We just planted a winter garden ten days ago (which I tend), and I commented to Joan that some varmit dug up all the new lettuce plants yesterday. She recluctantly admitted it was Avital… Must I be indifferent? Also, Bill is moving out in less two weeks and Avital fancies herself taking his room over. Noone in that wing wants her there and have asked me if I would move there. Should I get involved? These incidents are a sample of what I was taking a break from!! Mostly, I have luxuriated in the distance I’ve put between myself and these situations…but on Monday, I will be returning with hopefully, a new attitude…one of a saint!

    Well, these are not exactly comments about your blog, but since I’m in my room, I thought I’d take a few minutes to catch up on my reading…and looking for things I want to take with me back to my housesitting respite.

    You’re the best!


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