A Dress Rehersal For Goodbye

I was planning to write my blog on the airplane today… but that just goes to show you the inanity of planning.  Nope, I’m in none other than Mykael’s windowless, cave-esque bedroom, bathing in the warm, orangey glow of his Himalayan salt lamp, serenaded by the dry mouth noises of Anjali, who is tender and meticulously bathing herself.  Ask me if I was surprised when my flight got postponed… Barely.  That’s sure been the trend these days.  I’m having my first surfing lessons before I even reach the beach!  My new flight leaves at eight thirty tomorrow morning.  INSHALA!!!!  (God willing)… Mercury is in retrograde… but never in my life have the setbacks been slung at me with such relentless rapid fire.

What is it supposed to mean that I was at my holy soul sistah, Dara’s house preparing for the pilgrimage to the airport (actually, I had rolled my yoga mat out on her floor and was doing a few asanas… before I spent the remainder of the day lounging on the scrawny pillow formerly known as my bum…) when SMACK!!! WHAM!  POW!  A humming bird flew right into Dara’s livingroom window and plummeted lifelessly to onto the deck.  It lay in a heaving pile on the cold metal grating of the patio.  My body seized in empathic shock.  Dara too ran to the windowed French doors in a panic.  It was Nurse Mykael who was able to remain calm and cool.  He found a Kleenex and scooped the tiny, shocked wonder up in his warm, loving hands.  He ordered Dara to make some sugar water.  She did… in a little pirex glass and brought it to him, still stirring it with her trembling finger.  Mykael put the bird’s long, slender beak right into the nectar.  I was skeptical, but in mere moments, the wounded creature was sucking it up eagerly, its eyes still closed.  Mykael cradled the luminous green creature so lovingly, with his attention sharpened to a dangerously fine point.  The tiny bird drank and drank and drank.  I began to relax, though I was not convinced that he would survive.

Dara asked, “Is this auspicious?”

I was back on my yoga mat by now attempting to make as much space in my body and mind as possible before I spread my massive metal wings and took flight.  “No.  It’s the antithesis of auspicious,” I replied from downward facing dog.

Remember a couple of blogs ago when I reported praying to God to help me “go forth and live this day in joy”, when I had been feeling only heart ache and exhaustion, and then minutes later I saw the hummingbird drinking from the clear, singing water of the three tiered fountain and I had known without a doubt that God had heard my prayer?  Well… now here I was four days later and a hummingbird had flown into a window and was currently on life support, cradled in Mykael’s cupped palm.  What was the message in this?  Was our joy in dire straights?  Was tragedy afoot?  Was life just meaninglessly cruel and unusual?

But I loved watching Mykael so intent, his entire existence dedicated to the nurturing of this tiny, wondrous life as I indulgently breathed my body open.  Finally, right as the clock struck pumpkin, the little bird spread its iridescent wings and flew!  …Right back into the window.  Ouch.  Again, my body seized in an empathic cringe.  But this time the bird had not had enough momentum to make a serious impact, so when Mykael picked it up again and held it up to fly, away it sped into the open, gray sky.  All three of our hearts flew right along with him!  Relief and revelation!!!  I fell in love with Mykael afresh.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as moving as that man giving everything he was to the teensy, vulnerable, feathered miracle.  Then he plunked down on the couch and reported that if either of us ever found ourselves in the position to resuscitate a hummingbird, that the secret is to sway your arms to mimic a tree in the wind.  Ah-ha!  Great.  Thanks Mykael… I’ll tuck that one under my ten gallon sombrero.

So maybe the message is to hold my joyful spirit with such love and care even when it feels defeated, stunned or hopeless.  In any case, I’m just glad that the story had a happy ending.  Honestly…

And then we piled into Falcon (Mykael’s Jeep Cherokee) and headed for SFO.  I was so happy to be with two of the people with whom I have been most intimately sharing my life with in this last chapter.  Dara and I nattered away like two glory-stricken lady birds and Mykael drove, silently brooding.  Mykael… he confessed that he wants to be angry at me for leaving… but he has been choosing to step into the highest and realize that I am making a very powerful and appropriate choice.  I get it.  I know that battle between recognition of the highest and the temptations of lower emotional tugs.  I live it every day man.  (You’ve gotta hear me say that in a rough, stoner, hippy voice…)

Mykael.  We got in a spat this morning… and as a result he admitted that he’s confused because I keep wanting closeness, yet I am leaving in mere hours.  He’d rater shut down and get on with his new life.  I get it.  I guess that’s why people create good olde fashioned juicy drama around breaking up… so they don’t have to feel the love that’s there.  The love that will never leave, because in Truth, once a Beloved, always a Beloved, ‘member?  Yup… that means anyone that you have loved in the past who now leaves a bad taste in your mouth… well that bad taste is just misdirected love, I believe.  Love doesn’t EVER shut up.  It just keeps streaming and roaring and streaming and pounding its self in the bracing pool of its own holy body below.

Goodbye.  We arrived at SFO.  Mykael pulled to the curb in front of the American Airlines terminal and unloaded my ungodly heavy baggage.  Dara and I hugged with our whole bodies and selves.  We hugged the way I wish all women hugged one another.  I had an impulse to put her in my gigantic suitcase and be done with it.  I felt so much love for this effulgent, eccentric old soul who is ever-reverent and devoted for life to our divinely ordained, sometimes gristly, always true, friendship.

Then I turned to Mykael.  He took off the sunglasses that he often retreats behind.  Vulnerability gleamed in his pale, mystic eyes.  He pulled me in and our bodies spoke such a deep language of soulful familiarity.  Emotion sloshed up from within me.  He kept his tender eyes open, softly locked with mine.  I wanted to fall apart.  In this moment, in the truth between our hearts, there was only love.  My mind fell away.  It was a goodbye apropos to compliment and complete our beginning~ unfathomably deep and immediate…

And then I was alone.  Just me and my seventy seven pound suitcase, my typewriter and my brimming backpack.  But alas… God’s time must be stumble drunk these days… because I can’t seem to walk a straight line.  Dear God… I hope you will lovingly carry me to the Garden Island tomorrow morning.  And may I shower blessings upon all those I meet along the way.  Amen.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. souldipper
    Sep 08, 2010 @ 18:05:49

    Okay, this is getting really freaky, Athena Grace. Yesterday, I left home to do errands. I take my shoes off usually when I come back into the house, but my arms were full so I plodded into the kitchen with bags.

    Late in the day, I saw a very weird bug on the kitchen floor. “Ewww”

    Lights on, I bent down and picked up the most incredible little roundish iridescent feather about the size of the top of my middle finger. The colors keep changing as I turn it in the light. It is coppery, it’s green, it’s gold, & it has a pattern. Colours and patterns disappear momentarily and return with a slight shift of light.

    I showed it to friends today and we are baffled. The only bird that it could possibly be from is a hummingbird and the feather must have stuck to my shoe.

    It is so intricate, delicate, fragile and magnificent. Just like you. I have it in front of me.

    Big hug to you who I hope dreams deeply and with the richness of Solomon.



  2. Pheeee
    Sep 09, 2010 @ 07:06:27

    You are such a finely gifted writer! May you always share your thoughts, dreams, fantasies, realities, loves, passions in such a wonderous & compelling way. Happy flight & surfing & send mail addy pls. BTW, Kaua’i is known world over as a Girls Surfing Paradise!


  3. Rosy Moon
    Sep 09, 2010 @ 07:38:27

    Aaaah, woah! More freaky-ness alert!! Yesterday I was talking on the phone in my front room and twice a bird flew into the window of the living room. Twice I heard that crazy bang on the glass followed by a stunned, indignant twittering.
    That bird either wanted to get in really badly or was intent on sending some kind of message (or three thousand other mysterious things).
    But I have not been witness to that kind of bird mistake for perhaps three or four years (not keeping track, honestly- it’s been a while).
    And I know that you know that it doesn’t mean anything and yet…the resonance of shared experience is…exactly that.
    Blessings beautiful feathered friend, loving you,
    Rosy Moon


    • Athena Grace
      Sep 10, 2010 @ 14:33:58

      Are you kidding me?????
      No. You aren’t.
      Oh, hallowed meaning making machine Within…
      Rain your pallid attempt to reconcile the irreconciliable dance of Creation to me
      Just kidding.
      I’m EVER joyous to splash in the waters of Resonance with You!
      Smoochie Smooch (in the biblical sense),


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