Learning To Live In God’s Time

Hello Friends!  How I have missed you all!  I suppose I have only missed two days of blogging… but considering the mountain peaks I have summited in these past few days… it might as well be a fresh new lifetime by now.  When the rhythms and themes of life are wrought with so much rigor and intensity, I wonder if the energy is just personal to me… or if it’s more of a wide-spread current.  How have your last few days been?

On Tuesday, Mykael and I made the final exit from our Oakland home.  I started the day off gently… blogging at Pizzaiolo for the last time (at least in this chapter of the book of Athena Grace LMNOP) and then going to my favorite yoga class, taught by the effulgent goddess, Kimber Simpkins.  Yep, of course her class theme was a direct transmission from the All Pervading Beneficent Bouncer.  (Gosh, I like thinking of God as a big, tough, sexy, muscle bound bouncer… you know, like at a night club.  One who you KNOW has always got your back and will kick the sorry ass of any mellifluent forces who try to leak into your fledgling mind who is just now shyly fluttering its way back to its Eternal Home, its Divine Birthright…)

Kimber had just returned from a trip to Nepal with her eleven year old son.  (Speaking of “sons”… I remember being about three years old and learning that I was my mother’s “daughter”.  I was very turned off by the word daughter.  I remember cringing inside as I turned the word over in my mind.  Daughter.  Distraught, I whined to my mom, “I don’t want to be a daughter, I want to be a SUN!” You see, that’s how I envisioned the term, “son”… as the great ball of life affirming gas that illuminates and warms us in this mystic dream…)  Kimber shared with her students that someone in Nepal had extended the no nonsense invitation to her to ENJOY EVERY MOMENT of being in Nepal.  Which, she clarified was not a fluffy, languid, cruise ship, first world game of nude shuffleboard.  Traveling in a third world country is wrought with equal parts light and shadow, challenge and wonder.  So to choose to enjoy every moment is actually a spiritual discipline.  She had us hold poses a few breaths longer than she has in the past, creating intimacy with the burning discomfort they evoked.  She reminded us that just the sheer act of being alive is more than enough to celebrate, revere and yes, ENJOY.

Little did I know that that was the kick-off for the next three flailing days of my mischievously smirking life…  [From my vantage point at least,] Mykael was luxuriating in a thick, soupy pool of denial about the realities and rigors of moving.  His stuff was strewn all about the house, he didn’t have enough boxes, he had no help (except one man who took one minivan load)… But whenever I brought my concern to him, his initial reply was, “Awe, there’s not that much to do… this is only one car load.”  I found myself returning all too frequently to a hell of panic, judgment and condemnation.  He seemed to me to have very little grasp on reality.  I felt threatened by this.  Would we really be out of the house that night?  Would we be up all night slogging boxes and scrubbing floors?  I became a begrudging bully, which made me feel cancerous… so I alternated that state with a heart-felt prayer for radical forgiveness and surrender.

Midnight came and I was still mopping hardwood floors in inadequate light, exhausted, sweating and praying for the Grace to simply be here now and to offer my outpouring of energy as a purified and loving gesture to God.  “Enjoy every moment,” Kimber’s words looped in my mind’s ears and I mentally toiled to locate an immediate intimacy with that enlightened possibility.  I tasted modest intermittent sips of peace and freedom.  We left shortly after midnight and I crashed out amidst a sea of boxes in the impending “Nirvana Inn” (As Mykael has coined his new digs, a converted tool shed in our friends’ back yard in Richmond, California).  Meanwhile, Mykael rebuilt his futon for me to transfer to and then he returned to the Oakland house to pick up another load and to do touch-up painting over all the holes we had bored in the walls of our old life.  He came to bed at around four am.

As Mercy would have it, our now alienated cat trounced all over us all night long, meowing until I would pet her at which point she would purr loudly, but ever refuse to settle.  I did not sleep.  Normally this would agitate the pants off me… but I kept surrendering.  Hello… this is a massive transition… what did I expect?  In the morning I discovered an email from the friend who I was planning to get a ride up to Nevada City with (She would continue on to Burning Man.).  She informed me that she had stayed up ass-late procrastinating packing and did not even anticipate being awake till ten am.  We had planned to leave in the morning.  Didn’t look like that would happen.  Let go, Athena.  We didn’t end up leaving until after four pm.  Let go, Athena.  You are now officially existing in God’s time.  This is the highest possible place to live. Aloha and welcome Home. Oh yeah??? Well then why was my belly feeling so twisted and tight?  Why was my mind returning again and again to its shadow stained faces?

Once we got on the road, I was able to unwind and relax into the pristine blessing of the company of one of my very dearest, beloved friends, Magic Penny.  Ask me if I was surprised when we were on the slender, sweet scented, evergreen tree lined highway forty nine, approaching Grass Valley and suddenly the car made freakish sounds and Penny panicked gracefully and pulled onto the shoulder of the road… Nope.  By this time it was par for the course.  Clearly, I was NOT in control.  God was shouting to me through an invisible megaphone that She/He/It had a will that could kick my flimsy will’s ass and was not afraid to do so.  I was more fascinated at this point.  Penny, however was NOT.  She was devastated that her car might be dead, she had no money to fix it, and HOW WOULD SHE GET TO BURNING MAN????  We got into a mild tiff because she thought I was being too enlightened and expecting her to be equally enlightened… and she didn’t WANT to be enlightened.  She wanted to be devastated and afraid.  I can relate. I have stood in those all too familiar moccasins many times.  But I didn’t know how to relate to her.  I couldn’t help but perceive the All Pervading Goodness and Intelligence at play.  Shrug.  It was just an awkward hour we spent on the shoulder of the twilight highway, awaiting the tow truck, worlds apart.

But how ECSTATIC was she, when the triple A man informed us that it was just a FLAT TIRE!!!!!… And then proceeded to fix it in just several laissez faire winks of a seductive eye!  Hella ecstatic is the answer.  Ecstatic cubed.  A double ecstatic on the rocks with a sexy bonus splash of sweet relief!  Soon we were on the now velvety black road again.  She dropped me off at our friend Amrita’s house, where I would sleep over and spend the following day with her before meeting up with my mama and hitting the ashram in the evening.  From one friend to the next I swung like a blessed little monkey in a jungle full of thick vines of challenge and undercover blessings.  God loves me.

The next day in Amrita’s hallowed company (and that of her two year old daughter, Antara) my previous sleepless night caught up wit me and knocked me on my sassy back side.  I dragged myself across the day like a dillusiona beached whale.  But still I managed to laugh when Amrita’s car wouldn’t start as we were trying to leave the park and get the little one home for her nap.  Nope.  Instead we were destined to flounder in the park for an hour trying to figure out what in the heck to do, given that her triple A had expired just days ago and she was in a separation period from her husband.  I was tired, hungry and overheated.  I tried to lift my mind up to God… but at this point, mostly all my mind could generate was displeasure, boredom and helplessness (set against a backdrop of dreamy exhaustion).  So much for enlightenment… it had taken flight.  I want to only want God and nothing else… But shucks… I just wanted food, sleep and relief from the thick, dry heat.  Magically and inexplicably, the car started an hour later, of its own accord.  Sighhhh.

Now I am safely parked at the Ashram.  The breeze is warm and soft and my body is blissfully drinking of the summer heat that Oakland deprived me of.  This moment seems perfect enough… though I can’t help but wonder if the sky is going to collapse in the earth’s thirsty lap any moment from now…  It’s almost time for noon meditation.  Then, if it is God’s will, I will enjoy a delicious, nourishing lunch with the beloved soul who gave birth to me.  God?  Thank you for this auspicious scholarship to the Schoolo of Mostly Soft Knocks!  Thank you for teaching me to Love You above all else.  I’ll get it someday… and then realize it has always been so, anyway.  Ha!  Amen.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. souldipper
    Sep 03, 2010 @ 15:21:41

    Ah, there you are. You’re home.

    Speaking of home, Lucky Mom, Lucky Athena Grace.

    No… Blessed Mom, Blessed Athena Grace. It’s likely going to very difficult for your Mom to watch her Sun leave this time! And very difficult for you to say goodbye to Sumitra.

    Being blogging buddies is akin to loving God. We can always connect.

    But, boy, doesn’t the fun start when we are with those Lovers with skin on!


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