Tenderizing Questions

I could talk about how today is my last day in my house here in beautiful, staticy Oakland, California. Or I could talk about how I sorta feel like projectile vomiting due to the stress of my impending move and resulting insomnia… I could talk about David Bowie currently shouting about rebels right in my ear (They have the music at an ungodly deciple here at Pizzaiolo. I’m having a mint tea and one last hurrah!) But nah… that’s kinda boring. I’d rather talk about profound stuff, because even though the surface of my awareness is full of agitated ripples and shimmers, the depths are all dark smiles and unspeakable richness. I have a lot on my mind. I hope I don’t make a pukey mess as I attempt to spit it out for you. But if I do… such is Life. I think one of the ancient secrets to happiness is to embrace the inevitability of pukey messes… and then roll up your sleeves and keep on loving right through them. Speaking of rolling up my sleeves, I just need to lament something for a moment. I’m gonna miss my muscles. (God, that made me crack up… mostly because it is entirely true. And very freeing to admit. Rock climbing. I’m not so sure they do that kind of thing in Kauai. I googled it and didn’t find much. Plus, Mykael has been my teacher and belay partner (thank you Mykael!!!)… Sigh. I have LOVED LOVED LOVED my year and a half long love affair with climbing. I love how I have transformed my relationship with anger, power and self-imposed limitations through climbing. I love the strength I have cultivated. I LOVE my climbing MUSCLES. Honestly, I was strong enough before… but it’s like the difference between the inconspicuous hottie, Clark Kent and his incognito superhero status, SUPERMAN. Oh well, non attachment. Someday, perhaps, I’ll be all withered and wrinkled, anyway. And then I’ll be generic, homogenous cosmic dust (My BODY, I mean… not my omnipotent, omnipresent me-ness). And who knows… maybe surfer girl/distance ocean swimmer muscles will be just as exquisite and impressive… But I’d just like to take this opportunity to thank my muscles for being so strong and beautiful. I bow to you, beloved muscles.) Woops, I had no idea that was gonna come out. I wanted to tell you all these other things… Like this quote that I heard from my beloved minister, Reverend Elouise last Sunday. She said, “Learn to ride the horse in the direction that it’s going.” Mostly, I find this quote to be wholly brilliant… except that Athena Grace LMNOP don’t ride no stinkin’ horses. This bitch rides unicorns or bust. And clearly my pristine, mythic steed is bound for tropical paradise. I am so proud of myself for not trying to hold on to the pasty banks of the river until my fingers bled and popped off. It could be tempting. (“My mama said to get things done, you’d better not mess with major tom”… Thanks David…) I have talked about this before… about my long standing affair with the inquiry of effort versus grace, remember? Like how much force do I exert as I lean in and engage with my life, and how much do I just lay back in passive bliss and let the holy waters otherwise known as Life, sweep me along? You’ve gotta understand~ this has been a pesky, continuous thorn lodged in my mind for ages. But has it been a thorn, or merely a rigorous course of study? I vote for the latter. I’d say it’s been one of my most recent theses in the School of Mostly Soft Knocks. And this most recent confluence of events has been a culmination, a graduation of sorts. I am more engaged than ever in my life. Every day I wake up and live an authentic and satisfying life of my choosing. And as the framework of this life has crumbled and fallen, I truly feel that I have hopped bareback upon my horned beast and let it gallop into the vibrant, dawning wash of my destiny. It is effort… but it is also Grace. See for yourself what a prolific writer I have been and continue to be. Writing. It’s as much effort as it is grace. Same with spiritual practice, healing and self inquiry. And cooking, exercise, nurturing friendships… I feel so blessed to be here, living this life. As I declare that, though, the question surfaces, “I could be doing MORE to serve Humanity, couldn’t I?” I guess this is a newer incarnation of the question. How do I live my life so that I am serving and elevating You and You and You and You and You and you get it… That’s a slippery question with so many expressive, diverse faces. On one extreme, it could be argued that I’ve gotta be the third coming of Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., or Joan of Arc… but on the other side of the spectrum, You could say that it doesn’t matter what I DO out in the world so much as it matters the degree of peace in my heart. I believe they are BOTH true. I believe in the whole and completeness of myself as I am IN THIS MOMENT. And still… I know that this is a course that I am currently enrolled in, in the School of Mostly Soft Knocks, and because of this, the answer will roll and tumble, smooth and solidify as I continue to live and breathe and widen myself in the Yearning for Ultimacy. My dear Maha Devi (Great Goddess), friend and confidant, RosyMoon came over to partake in the Last Supper with me yesterday at noon. She shared about a question asked of her by her Teacher (with a capital T) some time ago. Since then, she has been grappling with it inside herself and as a result, stirring up much illumination and dormant wisdom. The question was something along the lines of, “Why do you commit to your yoga practice? What has you step in, day after day?” She said her first response was, “because it makes me feel good…” Which she realized was kinda weak, come to think of it, and hence she took her figurative pick-axe to her interior and began to hack away at the dense walls of her unconscious, in search of the latent oceans of gems hidden within. I believe that a life well lived requires asking the right questions. And then not just merely scurrying for the quickest, microwavable, drive-thru answer, as our pill popping, speed freaky, popular culture has conditioned us to do… but actually being willing and available to be tenderized by the question. Sit in it and mar-i-nate. Stew. Like Rumi’s precious little chickpea. What questions are YOU living in these days? What questions would you like to inhabit for an arduous, devotional joy ride? Please! Leave a comment and share with the class! Amen.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lew Sterling
    Aug 31, 2010 @ 07:08:24

    No questions for today–just a blessing for a safe, rejuvinating, and mind-expanding trip. May you find bliss, tranquility, and God’s smile while you’re away.

    Reply

  2. Rosy Moon
    Aug 31, 2010 @ 07:14:22

    Well, I couldn’t resist, could I? I was going to spill the beans and say what the question was in real life, but then I have the feeling I swore to some kind of secrecy, preventing me from doing that. But, yes, it is a joy, though a bemusing, tantalizing kind of joy to mar-i-nate in the deeper questions life offers us; like the one you mentioned- grace vs effort…no easy answers there.
    Now off to practice! The answer was: The intuition of grace, bliss & peace.

    Reply

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