One Clumsy Knot at a Time

Oh dear.  I think I spent too much time cruisin’ the seedy, streetless world of facebook.  Now my soul is sufficiently sucked and I am at a loss.  I guess I could tell you that I am not acting or feeling like a hopeless co-dependent anymore.  Yay me!  This is a time of Xtreme Death!!!!  Dunno if you noticed, but about a week or two ago, I stopped writing about Mykael and our relationship in this blog.  Mostly that was because I was really feeling a strong inclination to break up with him, but I didn’t necessarily want him to be abreast of this.  You see if anything my tongue lives on the looser side of the expression fence and I have had a proclivity to gratuitously gush my emotionally charged thoughts way too often.  This includes threatening to break up enough times to really do some damage.  Mykael tells me that every time I say that it weakens his trust in me and dilapidates the relationship.  So… I wasn’t quite ready to go spouting off these weighty inclinations to the masses (even from the oh-so-innocent local of my fluffy sleeping bag in the mind’s ear of my very best friend)

Holding onto this slippery tongue of mine and living under the weight of this possibility all alone has been excruciating.  Specifically inside my heart.  The gravity was bone crushing.  In the face of this epic, strategic holding on and holding in, I withdrew a massive piece of me from the relationship.  I began focusing on nurturing my friendships with the amazing, beautiful, wise, sexy women in my life.  I have been spending more time meditating and tinkering around on my harmonium.  I have been building the vision and execution of a women’s writing circle.  I quit smoking pot and drinking wine.  Basically, I began to do the things that would have been ultimately healthy for me to do all along.  I feel new born.  Almost.  More accurately, I feel like I am dissolved in a cocoon.  The butterfly has yet to emerge.  But I DO know that I am no longer who I was and for this I give thanks.  I have known for a long time (years) that I needed to let go of some stifling tendencies… but the thought of actually LETTING GO wracked me with terror.

God’s time.  Life’s time.  In my experience, it is not to be forced or woman-handled.  PATIENCE is the word written in gargantuan, neon letters inside my soul.  Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to force a rose to bloom by ripping the petals open with your dirty little fingers.  Yeah, didn’t think so…

In a way, Mykael and I have broken up.  Because the people that we WERE have left the building.  (Paradoxically, they are still here too… but… this is an advanced concept, only for the upperclassmen of the School of Mostly Soft Knocks…)  Honestly, I have no idea if we will stay together or break up on the other side of this strange, lucid purgatory.  That is not important.  What is important is each of us doing the work that we are called to do as individuals right now.  (In service and partnership with the One, naturally.)

You know that saying, “You can not solve a problem with the same consciousness that created it?” (I guess it was Einstein who said it…)  Well that about sums it up in terms of my restlessly spinning quandary about the relationship.  Every time my mind starts to anxiously loop on whether or not I “should” stay with Mykael, I only feel exhausted and drained as a result.  So instead, the instant I become aware of myself, I just throw myself at All Pervading Celestial Music’s blue lotus feet and beg to REMEMBER.  You know, Remember.  Remember the truth of the All Pervading Light that I am, that You are, that Everything IS.  If you ask me, that is the ONLY consciousness worth solving any problems from.

This leg of the journey has brought to the surface of my awareness a strange relationship to Love that I enact.  Like just because I am not living in some safe, fluffy, bullshit construct of a fairy tale future with Mykael, I have been withholding my love from him.  As though he is only worthy of my luminous love if he is going to marry me, create a child with me, take care of me forever like a proper prince charming and live happily the fuck after with me.  This sucks.  The crystalline true me yearns to love him for loves sake, NOW, without condition (That’s real Love anyway.  The other stuff is imitation at best).  I was exploring this with him yesterday and I realized that I was afraid that if I freed my heart and let love rain down upon the moment, that he might mistake that for commitment and I’d feel like a sleazy liar.  But the beauty of becoming self aware, of illuminating what has been previously hidden in the endless folds of the psyche, is that one can then make a new, conscious choice.  It’s weird how strangled and butchered Love has become in our wounded twist of a collective consciousness.  But not if Athena Grace LMNOP can help it.  I am doing my BEST, people.  Doing my best to untangle from the mess that fear has made of my mental patterns, habits of closure and recklessly bound heart.  One clumsy knot at a time.  One breath at a time.  In the name of Liberation for ALL.

Amen.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. spirit2go
    Jun 26, 2010 @ 15:02:22

    Man oh man, Athena Grace – you have opened up a big can o’ worms this time. But it sounds like you’re asking the right questions with a good amount of humility and honesty. “God, I need your help, so I’m turning this one over to you”! I think my big deal this time around was embracing change and letting go. That is a huge one which brings to my mind abandonment, lack of love, dishonesty, leaving me behind – things that always terrified me- I didn’t know they did, but I do now. I hope you and Mykael emerge to the other side – but if not, you both will be fine. The time you’ve been together has not been in vain. You both needed to be for a while for reasons unknown, at present. It’s all good. But I do understand about change – so scary and anything but that!

    Reply

  2. souldipper
    Jun 26, 2010 @ 19:38:33

    Wow, Athena Grace, when you move you MOVE!!

    Life predictably provides knots. But when our relationship with The Beloved – The Divine – is in tact, the knots turn into leverage for the journey.

    Lots of blessings for Mykael and you. As my Sufi book quotes: Two stones cannot occupy the same space, but two fragrances can.

    Yipeeeee! I’m Rosewood today and my cat will likely chose O’Dor de Rodente.

    Love, Amy

    Reply

  3. Tamara Gerlach
    Jun 27, 2010 @ 05:14:53

    Thank you for sharing this. I love how you are stepping into this transition with curiosity and strength. You are dancing with fear, rather than letting fear drag you around, or worse, shut you down.

    Your patience and connection with your heart wisdom are inspirational. More will be revealed.

    Love and Blessings,
    Tam

    Reply

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