Gratitude and Healing Prayers to the Father

I’m feeling modestly paralyzed in regards to writing this blog.  I am wondering WHY bother doing ANYTHING unless it is strictly in the name of the HIGHEST.  I feel intolerant of anything less.  And yet…

And yet…

And yet…

I wonder my brains out

What the Highest would say through me.

I can’t stop playing that Amma youtube video that I shared with you in my last entry.  I just keep watching it and crying.  And feeling something inside me fighting to be born.  This is good.  But I feel clumsy and unsure.

I guess I want to tell you a few things.  One, it is father’s day.  In church this morning they addressed not only “fathers in the biblical sense” (grin), but also the Heavenly Father aspect alive within each of us.  I felt into that as though they were suggesting the advent of the blasted WHEEL!  Me?  A father?  Strange.  Father God.  It made me cry.  I have done a lot of healing around my relationship with my father.  And clearly, I am far from through.  He and my mom divorced when I was two.  From then on, I lived primarily with my mom, who busted her butt to take care of me.  From a very early age, she sent me to Reno to live with my dad for the summers.  This was mostly torture for me.  A very lonely time.  Certainly my dad did his best.  And certainly, his best screwed me up.  And certainly, I FORGIVE HIM.

I went through years of my life where I actively hated him.  I consciously took a year of zero communication with him.  I have felt hurt that he is now married and has twin ten year olds.  I have felt somehow cheated.  Like why did THEY get his best, his commitment, his willingness to BE THERE?  But a much wiser part of me knows that this is how it was written.  This is how it must be.  And I wouldn’t have wanted to be raised in his emotionally stunted home anyway.  That said, I KNOW HE IS DOING HIS BEST.  I respect his path.

Up until about six months ago, I had fallen pretty sorely out of touch with him.  I always had anxiety about calling his house and having his wife or ten year old daughter answer the phone, because I had some feelings that they were pretty disappointed in me.  So instead, I just stopped calling.  He stopped calling me.  I thought it was easier that way.  But it still plagued me.  Even when my head tries to convince me that life is easier without having to deal with a certain crunchy karmic relationship, my heart does not cease to suffer until love is restored.  So six months ago, I got a text message from my friend Deirdre telling me that my dad really wanted to talk to me.  I found this amazingly confusing.  How would Deirdre know????  Turns out that my dad had lost my phone number and couldn’t get a hold of me, so he had googled me and found me on the SpiralMuse website (www.spiralmuse.org).  So he called the number on the website and left a message in the ragged outside chance that it would lead him to me!   And it did.   When I called him, his voice was like a ripe fruit, bursting with juicy joy to hear from me.  I was astounded to feel this kind of joyous care.  Since then we have talked nearly every week.

I used to hate talking to him, because my experience was that he played the same tapes over and over again, and I soon sickened of hearing them.  But not anymore.  Now every conversation is REAL and deep and intimate.  I feel seen and unconditionally loved by my father. (I can’t stop crying as I write this.)  Not only does he tell me that he loves me… but I can feel the love overflowing in his voice.  I feel so blessed by this.  And evernewly awestruck.   I don’t know how we made it to this loving place.  But I can’t stop thanking and praising All Pervading Father for this.  And you couldn’t stop me with all the muffins and marbles in the universe.

I should also mention that I have been blessed with many father figures throughout my life.  They have loved me and blessed me with their masculine gifts in various ways.  My step dad, Doug provided security and stability in my life for a big chunk of my childhood.  My Cosmic Dad, Ken “Saturn” provided the same in my early twenties, and as well, he listed to me, really saw me and introduced me into vast worlds of transformation and community!  My best friend growing up, Amber… her dad was so kind and generous to me.  He was so caring and played with us like nobody’s business… he let us kick his ass at wiffle ball, us against him on a regular basis, drove us around San Anselmo in the back of his yellow Nissan pick-up truck.  THANK YOU BOB!!!!  To name a few…

Men.  Men are strange creatures.  I honor the masculine today. The masculine within myself, within each of us.  Within the Universe, its Self.  I pray that we forgive the wounded masculine for throwing our world off kilter.  There is so much talk about returning to the Divine Feminine these days.  And I sense some hostility toward the Divine Masculine for the way the world has become.  But listen!  It’s not an either or game.  In order to be whole in our one self, we must create a healthy balance between the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine.  I know this is obvious… but I speak it as a friendly reminder, because we can never be reminded of truth too much, since our default minds can be such condemning jerks.  Please join me this day in honoring the Heavenly Father aspect of your very own, beautiful Divine Self!  If you have grievances against your own father, consider FORGIVING today.

Consider

Forgiving

Today.

AMEN.

Advertisements

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. spirit2go
    Jun 20, 2010 @ 18:18:26

    Your blog for Father’s Day made me smile. It is overflowing with the Grace you’ve received and I could feel that. I am very happy for you, as I sit and contemplate what I want to say on my blog about my own father who died very young at 48. Wow, who doesn’t have a seriously complicated, twisty sort of father/daughter relationship? It stuns me. Who would have thought at this stage of your life, your Pop would reach out like he has?

    Reply

  2. Naomi Colb
    Jun 21, 2010 @ 05:08:31

    Dawn, Thanks again for a juicy experience through your words. I enjoyed the ride. I have asked my Father’s forgiveness for casting him in the role of Perpetrator. I feel his love from
    the “other side”. This weekend has opened me again to my love of men:)
    Love and blessings,
    Nomers

    Reply

  3. contoveros
    Jun 23, 2010 @ 00:15:03

    “. . . his voice was like a ripe fruit, bursting with juicy joy to hear from me . . .”

    Now, that is thirst quenching for any father to hear.

    michael j

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: