Groping For Love In the Dark

I’m almost too scared to write today.  But I’m here.  I am here.  I am here to heal myself.  I am here to return to love.  I am here to remember.  My dear friend Amrita shared a beautiful video of Amma through facebook which kicked off my day.  I want to share it with YOU.

Thank GOD it reminded me of the only thing that is REAL, which of course is Love.  I must say, I believe it to be true with all my heart, but when it comes to practical application, I feel like queen of the dopes.  Living in this world, contending with crunchy karmic relationships and survival issues… please tell me where and how love fits in to all of that.  I was extra intolerant of Mykael this morning because he was recoiled in his safe, familiar shit hole where fear and scarcity are his demigods.  He was telling me all the things he had to DO… I thought what is the good of DOING DOING DOING if all you have is fear in your heart?  What is the point?  I know we must DO, that is the nature of this world.  That’s what Krishna told Arjuna.  He was like, “Dude, you’ve gotta go to battle.  Kill those blessed cousins of yours.  It’s what is being asked of you by Life.  But remember… always the Highest first.”  (The “cousins” being a symbol of his attachments and habits governed by his small self, BTW)

The problem with me telling Mykael ANYTHING is that I am no champion of loving.  I can be self indulgent as fuck.  So what right do I have to tell anyone anything?  All I can do is live by example.  But how do I best love Mykael in this case?  I guess in my IDEAL world, I would just keep bringing my awareness back to my heart… imagining it wafting a sweet perfume more beautiful than all the beauty in the world added together and then multiplied by its self.  I would imagine that epically sweet perfume filling ME, so that I become wondrously drunk and shimmering, and then I watch this sweetness extend outward to Mykael.  Then beyond Mykael to… everyone.  One person at a time.

Like especially the woman whom I approached to ask if I could share her table a minute ago.  Pizziaolo is packed this morning like an Indian elevator, so I had no choice but to share a table.  She was on the phone, so I just mouthed the words, “can I share your table,” and indicated to the seat that I perceived had my name on it.  I was expecting her to gesture a “go right ahead” gesture, along with a warm smile… WRONG.  She dramatized this really irritated look, plugged her non phone ear with her fat little finger and looked away from me.  Guess how I felt as a result?

Angry… and hurt.  (I believe that hurt always precedes the anger, but sometimes and certainly in this case, the anger flared up so fast, I didn’t even have time to recognize the hurt piece.)  Flooded with negative emotion, I felt compelled to say and do mean things so that she would feel what I was feeling.  Thankfully I didn’t.  I caught myself and beseeched forgiveness (of, from, to, for, through myself).  Forgiveness.  Forgivenss.  I am sitting here on the edge of tears.  But what’s the use?  Do tears really heal?  Yes, I believe they do.  But I’m just not used to having so many daily occasions to cry.  If I give in to the tears will I cry a wider hole in my heart where more of this omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent totality of beauty squared perfume can waft through?

You know what is eating me away lately?  The confusion of what is other people’s shit and what is truly mine.  I can’t even get into it right now.  I wish I could just walk quietly, peacefully into the sea and drown myself.  My “friend” Dan loves to tell me that I am the most self absorbed person he knows.  Allofasudden I feel inhibited expressing all my feelings here, because I am afraid that the world at large will just slap a label on me called “self absorbed” and cast me into the gutters of collective consciousness.  Like I should just keep it to myself that I want to offer my life to the ocean.  But, I do what I must do.  And that is express myself.  Does Dan perceive ME as self absorbed because I AM self absorbed, or is that what he is choosing to focus on in the mirror that I am for him?  Do you see what I mean?  Duality gets so messy and confusing.  But when I notice myself getting tangled, snared, drowned in the sea of cocky wompus mirrors, what better to do than return to Love and Forgiveness.  I’ll tell you what~ I can’t wait to be a wise old lady, who’s burned off many layers of ego needs and desires.

My friend Karen told me that she is having Eric over for Shabbat dinner tonight.  My heart sunk because Eric and I used to go to her house for Shabbat dinner “left and right”.  In my memory that lives as a simple time, connected with friends, feeling safe, feeling love.  My heart breaks at the thought that that no longer is.  I killed it.  Everything ends.  Everything dies.  Except what is REAL.  Except what is eternal.  That’s what Amma said in that video I recommended to you.  She said that “devotion is actually discrimination between the eternal and the transitory”… Wow, I thought devotion was something a whole lot fluffier than that.  Shows what I know.  “The actions that we perform with awareness of  what is everlasting and what is perishable is devotion”.   Touche.  I can groove to that.  “You should pray with Love and Devotion.  Your hearts should melt as you pray.”  Okay!!!!!   I will.  “Your prayer to God should be ‘make me Love You and let me forget everything else.’”  “Purify your heart.  See God in everything and Love all beings.  You don’t have to do anything else.”  “Those who perform actions with their mind surrendered to the Supreme do not need to fear.”

“IF YOUR AIM IS SELF REALIZATION, YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.”

“Children, go directly to the source of Love and drink to your heart’s content from that Ocean.”

I should have just started with all of those quotes from Amma.  Why did I need to mouth off about all my dillusional confusion?  I forgive myself for being confused and for not unceasingly thinking of God.  I will keep striving to improve.  AMEN.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Rosy Moon
    Jun 18, 2010 @ 22:59:30

    Abracadabra! And begin: Self realization is gonna hafta take what looks like self absorption, surely?
    I see your commitment to being love and nothing less, it’s not an easy path, but it’s one we share and I love that.
    One thing that makes my puzzler sore is how we’ll happily let those who seem to have a handle on certainty of a kind that opens us, say, “You should this and you should that…” Yet in our circles we avoid the sh word like the plague…
    There’s a way that I want to instruct my students with plenty of shoulds, because they should! That’s what I’m puzzling about.
    Bless your aching heart,
    Rosy Moon

    Reply

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