My Mother’s Wisdom

Athena Grace LMNOP commin’ acha live from the school of mostly soft knocks.  (Mykael and I have a daily ritual where he reads my blog to me from his Iphone, usually after we finish up lunch.  Yesterday, when he read me the part about LMNOP, I laughed so hard, I think it even gave our very own God Almighty a start!  I laughed a laugh so deep and resonant that it shook the earth.  It sounded like sonic loafs of hearty bread cascading out of my mouth.)  Ahhh, for the love of soft knocks!  Lately the knocks have been on the harder side of soft.

Listen, I sorta hate admitting that I finally started my period just now… I mean I’m stoked, because I believe that bleeding is a blessed and wholly sacred occurrence laden with a power that is beyond intellectual comprehension… but in our culture, it is such a popular practice to dismiss a woman’s expression, with the flippant wave of the hand and an accompanying comment such as, “Oh, she’s probably just on her period.”  I’m guilty of it too… but I don’t want you to write me off this morning.  The way I see it, menstruation is a time of potent lucidity, which can be overwhelming sometimes… It’s like feeling the world at full blast volume, rather than as soft background music that you can only notice if you happen to know the song that’s playing, but otherwise its imperceptible.

Last night I zonked out at 9pm, but when Mykael got home at 10, I was suddenly wide awake.  He came in and kissed me, but then he left.  I’m not used to this.  Usually, he snuggles me to sleep.  Turns out, he didn’t want to wake me, but I perceived it as that he wanted to be in his own space.  So there I was, wide awake in the dark, feeling ABANDONED.  You might think I am being dramatic, but it brought up memories of being very young and home alone in bed in the dark… Suddenly, emotionally, I was somewhere between two and seven years old, feeling helpless and painfully alone.  I began to cry.  Sure, I could have just called out to Mykael… (or texted him, like I love to do when I’m laying in bed… I feel so Jetsons when I do it!)  But remember that I was living in a world where he didn’t want to be with me.  I was living in a world where my pain and aloneness were the most real and consuming facets of existence.  You have to understand that this experience was not an isolated incident.  It was piled on top of Mykael being mostly entirely otherwise occupied, between studying for his phat nursing exam, carving and being anxious, worried and afraid…

Makes being a co-dependant really challenging.  It’s like the rug has been pulled out from beneath my feet… which clearly is a blessing since co-dependency is for losers in the first place… But still… I am having a hard time feeling blessed.  Mostly I feel sad and unsure of why I am in this relationship in the first place… No, that’s not true… I have enjoyed finding other stuff to do with myself in the evening besides smoke pot, and curl up with my man either have sex, watch Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job, or the Office, or on the sweeter nights, both.  Instead, I have been reading books, writing, PLAYING MY HARMONIUM, walking to the grocery store at twilight… you know the kinds of things we used to do back in the good ole covered wagon days… All this time apart from Mykael is just what the doctor ordered… but then, being with him brings all my wounds right to the surface and I am finding it massively challenging to love through them.  I want to run away and deal with it later.  When I see myself behaving like a punishing, bratty child… it feels like the hardest thing in the world to love myself, let alone another.

So Mykael came into my room and held me, but I refused to “use my words” to tell him what was happening for me.  Usually, that is one of my strengths, since I am so self aware.  Not last night.  All I could do was sob and ache and pout.  How’s that for tantric?  …Sigh… Finally I sunk down under the restless waves of ache and was swallowed in the dark, respite of sleep.  Mykael stayed with me till after midnight.  I appreciate that.

When morning came, I was exhausted and depressed.  Usually morning is the time where I am all about catching worms and loving the fresh air, literally dripping with bird song.  I love my tea.   I love the lucidity of my mind.  Today though… I did not love.  So I called my mom.  Basically, she gave me an hour long dharma talk.  She said so many things that helped me refocus my heart and mind.  She spoke mostly through the lens of her own experience, her own luminous lessons over there at the ashram.  But naturally, it was all applicable to my world.  And I felt way more receptive to it, because there was not a single should involved… She jammed not a single spiritual ideal down my throat.

Holy God, I feel so boring this morning.  But I need to get this out.  Fuck, I should have done it different.  I felt so awesome about my entry yesterday.  I feel so angry at myself for not being brilliant today, but instead caught in the seemingly endless cesspool of my pain.  Is this forgivable?  Can I still be a successful, impactful, prosperous writer, even if I have to waste a perfectly good blogging day processing through my wounding?  Do YOU have these voices too?  Can I just let go and sob right here at Pizzaiolo?  (The prep cooks were attempting to hack apart an entire pig head this morning when I arrived… just for the record…)

Back to my mom’s wisdom.  I want to share with you the three most impactful ideas she shared with me.  The first one was she suggested that I go and serve others when I feel blue (and black).  Duh.  Seems obvious.  Especially for a saint in training.  But it’s easy for me to get caught up in the inertia of my self importance… Sometimes I fantasize about sitting with terminally ill children.  Can I do that?  How do I do that?  It makes me so sad to think about terminally ill children.  Children are supposed to have long lives ahead of them.  Can they even conceive of the idea that they will die soon?  What courageous beings they must be!  I could learn from them for sure.

The second gold nugget my mom bestowed on me was her own lesson of letting others be exactly as they are, without trying to change them.  She said she has been working on this since she got to the ashram a few years ago.  Her recounting of her own experiences with this lesson shed plenty of light on my habits of constantly trying to micromanage Mykael and think I know who and how he should be.  He should eat more vegetables, exercise more, spend less time on the internet.  Fuck, as I write all that, I feel so convinced all of that is true… I guess then the question is do I want to keep choosing him for a partner in the face of those habits… Ask me after I finish bleeding…

And the third thing (!!!!!!!) (Yes, I’m especially enthused about this one) is the reminder to dedicate my actions to God.  I mean, I live like this sometimes… but it’s easy to forget and act like a self important pig headed jerk.  When my actions are dedicated to God, there is no expectation of any return, no competition… only the purification born of offering my self in the spirit of love and blessing.  And then concepts like “success” and “ambition” disappear in the simple act of being present and offering my best.  My mom said that not only does God LOVE like nobody’s business, but God also LOVES to BE LOVED (like nobody’s business!).  I didn’t realize this.  But it makes sense… I mean if I am made in All Pervading Dreaminess’s own image, and BOY DO I LOVE TO BE LOVED!!!, than it would naturally follow that God, too would expand and burst into a song of the Infinite upon receiving the love of Its Holy Children, such as yours truly.  Language gets so tricky when discussing such matters as Omnipresence.  I don’t mean to divide everything so clumsily…

The bottom line, the top line and the space in between the lines (not to mention then nonlinear components involved) is all a call to LOVE, to let LOVE inspire each newborn moment.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. souldipper
    Jun 11, 2010 @ 20:50:54

    Wow, what a perfect situation…a mom in an ashram. What a joy to have such spiritual wisdom available to you.

    One day when I went to my very Holistic doctor, I asked her what I could do to stop being such a wretchedly caustic bag during PMS. Boy what an answer! She said, “Don’t have any unfinished business in your life. All the stuff you stop yourself from saying or dealing with comes out of the woodwork BIG TIME during the chemical shakeup of PMS or Menopause.”

    Then she made sure I was on a fitness regime, got off all caffeine, consumed no alcohol and smoked nada. No magic pill for speaking up…

    The triggers didn’t disappear, but I sure felt a LOT healthier when the hormones were behaving. And I began practicing SPEAKING UP!! It is not easy asking for what I want – it’s easier to just become counter-dependent.

    If you want to research counter-dependency (the other side of co-dependency), here’s a peek in the book that explains it:

    http://books.google.ca/books?id=6gN8C7Bb0rUC&printsec=frontcover&dq=The+Flight+From+Intimacy+Healing+Your+Relationship+Of+Counter+Dependency+The+other+side+of+co+dependency.&source=bl&ots=XJ5Jz0YIhc&sig=n-6B-qdAa3ILSOK1lWKGz5LfABE&hl=en&ei=a6ASTN7vAoronQet5a2RAw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q&f=false

    Now that is some address, but it sure helped me look at myself. I want to live IN LOVE as well! See you there!

    – Amy

    Reply

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