The Meaning of Life

I won’t beat around the bush.  I am here on the page this morning to save my own life.  My heart hurts.  But not just casual, poetic heart ache… no, the kind that makes me want to swaddle myself in isolation and respond to the world in a dead end game of attack and defense.  Is that why my spacebar is acting up again????  How will I ever get my blog written when I have to press the spacebar like 200 times between every word?? (okay, more like 2 or 3 times…but still, it blows and I especially needed to express today.)  Okay, screw getting upset.  If I were gonna imbue this situation with a hearty moral lesson, it would be choosing patience and peace over poopy diaper whining.

The new moon is coming this Saturday.  I have caught wind that this particular moon is about the world that is currently dying and the new world that is rising up from beneath and within.  Those of us who are awake

Oh, bah humbug.  I don’t want to be deep and organized and scholastic.  I just want to talk about that which tickles and pleasures me.  I was trying to write something on the topic of midwifing the emerging world for the SpiralMuse website (, but all I really want to do is sooth myself with decadent, uplifting thoughts…like…I went to see the Holy Mother, Mata Amritanandamayi yesterday.  While she was hugging the people right before me, she conversed with one of her uh…attendants… for a long time while she held a couple in the folds of her oh-so-cosmic bosom.  I delighted in listening to her speak.  What IS that south Indian language?  I sure don’t know, but listening to it is like being drenched in soft, linguistic bubbles.  The sounds are unearthly round and smooth.  You know what it’s like?  It’s like the Hella Holy Ghost submerged me in a sacred strain of champagne.  Amma’s voice is the bubbles and the intoxicating, golden liquid was the privilege of merely bathing in her presence.  Really.  Just being physically near to her fills my body with tangible sweet sensations.  Imagine diving into a pool of whipped cream.  Please believe me.  My heart softens and spreads outward like melting butter is pouring through me, from me, to me and all about.

I had to stop writing earlier because my spacebar’s attitude was more than I could handle.  So I went and got my haircut instead.  What a treat!  It had been like four months and I had hair more straw-like than our very own hero of popular culture, the Scarecrow (and not just ANY scarecrow, I mean THE Scarecrow!).  I always thought scarecrows were called “ScareAcrows”.  How embarrassing was that fateful day when I made a tangible fool of myself and was publicly shamed for the mispronunciatory correction.  I like getting my haircut.  For a while I didn’t have a bitchin’ stylist and I got a good few haircuts that missed the mark by numerous crucial notches.  But then, by accident, I found Noah.  I had my doubts, because what does a MAN know about cutting a WOMAN’S hair?!?! I mean a straight man, for Buddha’s sake!  I expressed this to him, because generally I like to say what’s on my mind.  His perspective was convincing~ that as a [straight] man, he knows what kind of hair style he finds attractive on a woman.  Not a shabby argument.  Is he hot?  Nah…he’s extra doughy…(I imagine he likes to get stoned and munch on stony snax when he’s not on the job) but SOMEthing about him I find attractive.  He has some good depth and substance to him.  And his eyes are dark like night skies reflected on the surface of wishing wells.  And who could pass up two night skies reflected on the surface of wishing wells, really?

Disclaimer!  I’m gonna jump all over the place today.  Because none of my thoughts seem to be jointed to other thoughts.  And I am bounding about after my joy and healing, like a golden retriever chasing a duck through an old timey marsh. (An aside= I LOVE the sound of duck voices.  God, hearing them infallibly breaks me open!)  Yeah, I’ve had a day.  I think my blood will spill tomorrow.  So I’ve been vacationing on the land mine ridden border territory of Saturated Sorrow and Latin Wrath.  Today was the first time I broke down sobbing while ON the climbing wall (it was a hard climb).  Then, in the sauna, I was feeling suicidal and had a thought that went like this~ “Screw discovering and living my ‘life purpose’… I think just making it to the end of my years and dying of natural causes should get me some kind of prestigious award!”  Because in the moment, that seemed like a near impossible feat.

I used to be suicidal all the time, but since I believe in reincarnation, I figured I would only be the worse for taking my own life, so I just keep slogging along in this mess.  Now when my emotions get so unbearable and my mind gets so ridden with negativity, I don’t take it all that seriously… but… I can’t help but wonder what the point of all of this is.  You know?  There’s this whole bullshit construct that we’re all here to LEARN and GROW… Like life is some goddamn school… And that in the end, when we earn are arduouser than thou stinkin’ degrees, then we get to merge back into the Oneness of our bitchin’ Creator…or else decide to stick around and hold the lantern for all the other gods and goddesses whose heads are still lodged way up where the sun don’t shine… but like WHY would the Creator BOTHER pulling its Self apart into such a suffering ridden grab bag of multiplicity, just so we could merge back again???  Just for shits and hoots, I suppose… But I don’t hear us all shittin’ and hootin’ down here in this heavenly inferno.  Well… sometimes I do… actually more than I care to admit… But Jesus!  I’m not having enough fun.

Is that true?  In THIS very moment, I am really enjoying writing about all the senseless madness.  And is there anything else?  That’s debatable.  I just want to heal my disease ridden mind.  My mind that is so convinced that it’s right all the time and it creates so many concepts built on the false foundations of fear and scarcity.

Ask me what I’m gonna be when I grow up… Go on, ask me!

I’m gonna be a Self Realized Master!  I dunno how I’ll get there, but God’s gonna lead my way.  And for now, I’ll just settle for this marvelous opportunity to pound out my thoughts and feelings on a computer with a spacebar that WORKS!!!!!

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mykael
    Jun 09, 2010 @ 04:28:40

    And who fixed that spacebar!? Hmmmmm? I wonder…?


  2. souldipper
    Jun 09, 2010 @ 20:36:11

    Are you ever fortunate to have been in the presence of Amma! I went to a Diksha training event – a healing practice that Amma teaches her disciples. She is asking that the technique be taught to the world. It used to be kept under the domain of the masters and great teachers. She’s putting it out here for us. I’ve heard people marvel over her loving presence. I watched a video of her hugs. Even in the video, her love shines through! Wow, what an experience…

    Suggestion: Carefully lift off the space bar…most do come off with reluctance, but NO force…and remove the cracker crumbs, the bits of toast, the chips without dip, and the dust balls!

    – Amy


  3. ram0singhal
    Jun 10, 2010 @ 10:26:55

    your body is like a car,
    you are driver of car,
    creator is sitting with you
    inside, to keep car clean you travel
    comfortably between life and death
    of body, to keep drive clean creator
    come closer.

    life is a rare opportunity for dirver to
    come closer to creator to become

    for a child creator is driver,
    relax and listen music with in,
    journey and destination together.
    mile to smile……….


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