The Secret of Enlightenment

You know what I think makes a person enlightened?  Well allow me to tell you!  First off, I think we all ARE enlightened to begin with.  But a crucial trait of someone who ACTS the part is when they are

Woops.  My heart hurts today.  So I just spent a bushel of minutes on facebook, searching for two friends from high school.  I found them both!  That helped me touch some joy in my heart.  But now I feel like a dope because I frittered away valuable time that I could have been blogging my brains out.  Plus, I laid into Mykael pretty hard this morning for his computer addiction.  What a hypocrite.  Fuck.  But back to what I was saying at the beginning… A sign of enlightenment is when one’s heart feels like it is being strangled or squoze, and even still, they do not react to that feeling by lashing out, running away, closing off… but instead can stay awake and choose compassion and peace in the face of the intense sensation.  I still have some work to do.

There is a rumor flailing about, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus… well, I suspect that it might be true.  Communicating with Mykael feels like impossible cheese burger pie lately.  (For those of you who are living in the bone age, “impossible cheese burger pie” is a recipe that was on the back of the Bisquick box once upon a time.  For some reason, Eric had a box of Bisquick in his cupboard when we got together… and it stayed there for pretty much the whole relationship.  Though I think we got brave once and made some “biscuits”.  We really got off on the concept of “impossible cheese burger pie”, though and it became an intimate inside joke between us… like most everything did, really.  But I think we both secretly fiended for a real time taste of this impossible of entrees.  We just didn’t want to admit it, because it was so perverse.  Kinda like having a secret crush that you pretend to hate…)

Wait, what was I saying?  Oh, yeah, communication with Mykael.  I was tempted to go into the details, but as soon as my mind moves in that direction, I am knocked backwards onto my mind’s ass, as if there was a potent force field around the arduous, blazay details.  (Yes, I know that’s not how you spell blazay, but I don’t know how to make an accent on this keyboard, and if I just wrote “blaze” you would think I meant “blaze” as in “Blazing Saddles”, which I don’t.)  What I really want to say is that I am being blessed with hella more opportunities to forgive, and it feels really challenging.  I keep noticing this fear that if I just forgive and let go of the grievance du jour, then Mykael, or whoever else will just do the same thing again and I will have to hurt all over again, which isn’t very enticing.  I think I have expressed this before.  But I will keep expressing it until I am free.  Keep expressing it until I am free?  Wait a sec… I AM free.  I AM FREE.

And, I forgive you, Mykael.  From now on, I shall LOVE like I’ve never been hurt.  Forgiveness… that’s the holy secret to that game.  Love like I’ve never been hurt.  Without forgiveness, that’s an impossible [cheese burger pie] game.  Otherwise, how can you love, when you’re holding on to all this old junk?  Wonder Woman (my substitute for “man”, member?), I am in the mood to be hella radical and make PEACE my number one priority.  Jesus.  I have so many excuses as to why I could walk around with my panties more bunched up than… than who?  Who clearly has her panties in an ungodly, unwieldy tangle?  Ummm… an embittered catholic nun who just needs to be boned immaculate, but instead she walks around with a butt hole tighter than the jaws of life and beats the school children with not just rulers, but yard sticks.  Yeah.  Her.  But not me.  I’ll take my panties off and fly them like a lacy, flaming pink freedom flag atop the sand castle mansion I single handedly build myself a the immaculate, white sanded Hawaiian beach, so there!

I was contemplating peace this morning, because everything on the outside seemed to be trying to convince me that peace was totally last year’s fashion.  And I realized that peace is truly my first priority.  I was reminded of this by the book that my eyes nibbled on this morning as I sipped my tea.  It’s that book that my mom gave me recently about using your intuition to live the life of your dreams.  (Mom, it ROCKS!  You are the BEST.  Thank you for being such a precious ally on my path.  I wouldn’t trade you for all the lattes and puppies in the world.)  (Can you believe that like five years ago, I was in a perpetual state of trauma as a result of the pain I felt in relationship with my mom?  Time can be such a generous healer…)  Anyway, the book reminded me that especially in times of change, resting in a sphere of peace is always available and of great benefit.

Sure, not having money blows.  But money comes and goes.  Peace is a mainline to Eternity.  Peace is exempt from circumstance.  Peace.  It’s what’s for dinner. And lunch.  And breakfast.  My heart hurts.  I am gonna bleed soon.  I swear, I could cry all day long.  Mykael let me sleep with his most recent stone carving last night.  It is called Vaayu Shrutri Journey Stone, which is Sanskrit for listening to the wind (journey stone).  The stone is an ally in hearing divine guidance.  So as I fell asleep, I asked it to help me find clarity on my path right now, since life is feeling like a rabid bucking bronco, giving its all to fling me off its back and knock me in the sacred dust.  So I had this Hollywood vision of having beautiful dreams of mystic waterfalls and talking butterflies and trees… but instead my dreams were heavy with scarcity and fear.  How is THAT supposed to guide me to a better place?!  I was telling Mykael in the morning, and as I recounted the feelings invoked by the dream, my voice quivered and my eyes filled with tears.  What did he do, but MIMIC me?!!?!?  I felt so vulnerable… and LOW BLOW.  Honestly, I don’t think he was very conscious in the moment… but fuck that.  I RIPPPPPED myself from his lap, stormed out of his bedroom and SLAMMMED the door.  (then I came back and apologized for slamming… told him I felt vulnerable and it hurt to feel poked at and not taken SERIOUSLY.

Peace.  Peace.  Peace.  Tender hearted peace.  Every moment is a new opportunity to forgive.  To choose peace.  To find compassion in the face of a stinging heart.  How bitchin’ is that?!

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. souldipper
    Jun 03, 2010 @ 01:03:18

    Dear new friend AG,

    At our Soul Safari in South Africa last October, the psychic who was with us, Ainslie MacLeod, (no relation of mine in THIS lifetime, but another psychic told me that Ainslie and I have a Rolodex of lifetimes that we have shared) told us how important forgiveness is NOW. The ‘now’ is in relationship with The Transformation that everyone is turning from the end-of-the-world nonsense into the positive energy-thrusting upgrade that we KNOW it will be. In preparation for the Transformation, here’s the exercise we Souls were encouraged to do: When someone pisses you off or wounds you, close your eyes, envision them standing before you and say: XXXX, I love you and I forgive you. Say it three times. The first time – guaranteed you won’t mean it. Second…getting a little “maybe I had something to do with it”. By the third, the inner transition is such that there may be a modicum of truth in it!

    If it doesn’t work, you are either in PMS or perimenopausal! Don’t hurt him! 🙂


  2. pheeeee
    Jun 04, 2010 @ 04:48:32

    What a finely crafted line: “Overt was his oneness with the funky latin beat as he moved like lightening, flipping mystery contents in large, hot skillets.”

    very poetic & rhythmatic! I love to feel a pulse of the sentence/phrase, when I read.


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