Free Falling into Heaven’s Arms

I took two days off from blogging and I forgot how to do it!  Not to mention that I am frozen solid from my early morning swim in frigid waters (76 degrees).  But the thing about being alive is that you just ARE… so now what?  I face that question all the time.  I have an ancient, calicified habit of getting into this mind fuckish loop~ I feel overwhelmed and disenchanted with life, I wonder why I am here in the first place, I wish I wasn’t, I want to die and then I tell myself that that’s a stupid mental street to roll down, since I AM here, which means that like it or not, this is where I belong.  Yeah, it’s a pretty ridiculous loop.  I take it with a sprinkle of sugar these days.  Come on, I have been looping through it since my teens… After fifteen-ish years, I just can’t take it as seriously as I used to.  Plus, I am now a self proclaimed saint in training, so it would be a dumb idea to take my own life, wouldn’t it?  I am playing for the team!

Plus, I see the impact of my kindness, my generous attention.  It brings others more alive!  I love that.  I love that just the simple act of putting my caring, inspired attention on others makes them shine brighter.  That is priceless.  But back to blogging.  The moral of the story is that if I can just keep putting one foot in front of the other in life, I can do that on the page right now, too.  And nine chances out of ten, something good will come of it.  Speaking of putting one foot in front of the other, I walked my first labyrinth yesterday at four am.  It was the labyrinth at Grace Cathedral.  It was a highly profound experience for me.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do the experience any justice as I attempt to articulate it… but I’ll give it a whirl.

As I slowly, mindfully (occasionally absentmindedly) moved my feet, wound my way about the intentional tangle of a path, I was struck by how much this is like life.  Doesn’t life seem to be going one direction in one minute, and then, suddenly without warning, it wraps around on its self, and you find yourself moving in the opposite direction, though the ultimate destination has not changed… but you might not realize this if you are only paying attention to what is two feet in front of you.  The mind is like this too.  Ultimately organized by a supreme order and intelligence, yet so twisted and wiggly and seemingly unkempt.

It drove me crazy in some moments, how round about the path was.  I am so conditioned to want to “get there” (you know, “THERE”…) as quickly as possible.  After all, that is the American way.  But the path just kept folding in on its self and dragging me through vast scapes of internal wilderness, at which point, I always returned to the choice to let go, a-gain.  Surrender a-gain.  I imagine that there is much more profound meaning within the advent and existence of labyrinths…  But the personal layer of profundity that I treaded was more than enough for now.  My prayer as I slowly strode was for radical forgiveness.  When I feel fear, I am learning that it is merely an indication that there is something to forgive.

Three very crucial people in my heart kept springing to the surface of my mind as I meditatively moved forward~ My aunte, my brother, Daniel and my friend Dan.  I prayed for their happiness, peace and healing.  Honestly, lately I am not convinced that “others” really exist.  I imagine that the people in my life exist as reflections of this one self.  And if I am trippin’ out on a particular relationship, or if someone in my world is struggling, it is up to me to realize that aspect within myself and pour super sonic love on it.  I believe that I have access to a kind of love that has no limits in its ability to transform, transcend and heal.  I guess that could be construed as lot of responsibility.  But I felt like my prayers were amplified as I walked this secret, sacred, ancient path.  Birds began to sing their melancholy, predawn invocation as I walked and prayed.  You know, the song that casts shadows and exalts veils.

Of course my experience in the labyrinth directly correlates to the current lessons in a Course in Miracles too.  Life is woven like that… (I’m back at Pizzaiolo and I am astounded by the huge pile of doughnuts stacked on the fancy serving plate.  It looks like a doughnut sand castle.  If I was a smurf, I would make a holy pilgrimage to this doughnut castle and scale it in the name of discovering something profound, taking occasional bites out of the terrain as I fancied!)  According to A Course in Miracles, we need not manage our lives, ever.  Really.  Not at all.  They assert that this comes from a place of intrinsic mistrust in the intelligence of God.  They say that life will guide us every step of the way, All Pervading Light will move us along in the currents of Grace with our greatest happiness, peace and quintessential best interest in mind, always.  There is no need to entangle in thoughts of past and future AT ALL.

I YEARN to live like this~ totally free to exist in eternal delight and wonder, alive and present in this one graciously unfolding holy moment.  But letting go that fully!!!???  What a massive, unwieldy leap of faith that requires.  Living every day unplanned?!??  Are you kidding me, screams my frightened little ego self.  Jesus!  But the alternative is certainly not making my soul blush and cream its etheric panties AT ALL.  I am fucking sick of living in fear, living with a perverse sense of intrinsic danger imagined to be imbued in the very threads that this life is woven from.  My heart of hearts knows that life is kind, that everything is burning with an ache to love and be loved, give and be given.  So I am embarking on a new leg of the journey in which I need not look ahead, scramble to figure shit out.  Fuck that.  That’s SO nineteen eighty six.  This is two thousand TEN, baby!  My new (improved) mission is to meet life head on, right now.  I am ready to ignite in crazy wonder, gratitude and divine surrender as life unfolds in ever new perfection.  Can I switch gears over night, like casting a spell with a mere snap of eager fingers?  Maybe…  I am gonna practice relaxing my belly, softening my heart and saying yes to what each moment invites and offers.

Worst case scenario, I die.  But “I” (the “I” that I have manufactured from this aforementioned sense of fear, this dillusional dream of separation) am closer to death with ever breath I take, anyway.  (Much like getting closer to the center of the labyrinth with each step.)  Besides, I ultimately want that false “I” to die, anyway… Then all that will be left of me is a perpetually overflowing fountain of peaceful loving kindness.  Better than your garden variety sharp stick in the eye, any day.

May you feel held, loved and buoyant in Grace’s omnipresent being today.

Amen.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. contoveros
    May 17, 2010 @ 22:45:03

    You swim? I try to do 36 laps a few times a week. Mostly back strokes. I have difficulty breathing overhand.

    Labyrinth walking is another form of walking meditation. It’s purpose is to help you focus on your breath and away from your thoughts. I did a short walk today, sans my spectacles. It helps me to be “unfocused” visually, so that I can be more focused internally.

    Kept my eyes on my hands clasped together and folded on my chest. I shifted my gaze so that even that view was out of focus. I paid attention to my feet touching the ground ever so slowly, and then the feel of my legs, the wind, the sound of a nearby hospital’s loud generator and someone mowing the grass next door. Here and there a bird sang out.

    I felt something touch my head. A branch from a pine tree. It felt so cool! I looked at the branch and how it was connected to other branches and was in awe of nature.

    Too soon, the walk ended as some children approached and I heard them laughing and calling out. My walk to no where had to end. Why not with the sound of happy kids walking the path enroute to a playground?

    Don’t die on us yet, Athena. I want to get to know you better. At least, be able to read you more and learn if that is your real name — Athena. And if you’re half as crazy as I am when I write some of my best stuff . . . once in a while.

    michael j

    Reply

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